Sanity
by Diona Christei
Summary: Rose is heartbroken when Dimitri leaves her for tasha, what makes matters worse is that her bond with lissa is taken to new heights and she begins to share lissa's feelings for christian. the characters are OOC.SEQUEL NOT YET CONSIDERED.
1. Take over

**Takeover.**

Though the lights where dim I had been able to make out the body that lingered over mine. Christian. I knew I shouldn't be enjoying this but something told me that it was fine, that his body belonged on me. That we where meant to blend into this perfect blissful love.

"Lissa" he moaned.

"christian" she returned.

I had to get out of here this wasn't just a dream it was happening again and this time it was vivid. I felt invaded and in love. Pure hatred for christian burned in me as well as desire. It was so overwhelming like I had never wanted something this badly before. Nothing but Dimitri. I had wanted him badly and it had gotten him taken from me. More hatred for christian bubbled in me, it was his aunt who had taken Dimitri from me. It was his aunt who helped rip a hole in my chest and it was him that distracted Lissa, I was almost never around her anymore.

Get out of here Rose this isn't your time. It's not Dimitri. I yelled at myself. I was yelling for ten minutes but it felt so real. It felt to good. I was indirectly having sex with christian. And it wasn't repulsing me. My own feeling became muddled with hers and for once we where joined. I was gasping and moaning as the touches he gave her where mirrored on my body. His lips worked wonders and I loved him, he was mine all……shit. You have to get out of here rose you have to- I was shut off by the orgasm screaming through my body.

That was enough. There was white rage coursing through me where the bliss of his touch had been only a minute ago. I watched as a hand extended and punched Christian. Lissa's hand but my action. I had merged with her so long that we had actually become the same person. I felt her love for christian merge with my hate, I felt everyhting she loved about him, and instantlyI was in love with him to.

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**OKAY, THIS IS MY FIRST FANFIC. PLEASE REVIEW. FIVE REVIEWS = ANOTHER UPDATE. PLEASE? LOL FLAMES WELCOME AFTER ALL THEY ARE TO HELP GUIDE ME. JUST DON'T BE RUDE.**


	2. Cat call

**Cat Call**

I woke up feeling slightly flustered and embarrassed. I wasn't quite sure why I was embarrassed because he had physically been with Lissa it hadn't been my body that he actually touch but it didn't matter. In a sense he was all that mattered.

"oh shit" I yelped.

I had forgotten completely that I had hit him, and with the crunch I hear it was evident that I had broken something. A small smirk tugged at the corners of my mouth as I thought of all the time I would have loved to punch him. Now I felt crazy for wanting it. Why would I honestly want to hurt the person I love more than life itself.

"These aren't your thoughts get yourself together rose." I said aloud as I walked to my bathroom. I knew to a certain extent that I was right but I was also wrong. These where as much my thoughts now as they where hers. He was as much mine as he was hers. "snap out of it rose, there is nothing you want from him" I said stepping into the shower.

Oh but there was. I needed his touch. It had been awesome through lissa but I wanted to be the first person. I wanted his hand directly on me. I closed my eyes as I fantasized about all the things I wanted him to do to me. All the things I was sure he would do without regretting like Dimitri would.

"Damn it Rose!" I scolded myself. I needed a distraction, but what could be more distracting than fantasizing about having sex with you best friends boyfriend. Dimitri! On a normal basis I would not let myself think about such things but as I could clearly tell there was nothing normal about this. I tried to picture dimitri and his shoulder length hair and tall figure. His deep brooding eyes and his Russian accent. All of which turned right back into Christian and his shaggy black hair deep blue eyes and oh so rugged sensual voice.

"meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow MEOW MEOW MEOW!" I screamed it was the first thing that popped into my head that wasn't boy or sex related and at the moment it was all I could muster so I repeated it until I was successfully out of my dorm and in the commons.

"Rose?" Lissa asked eyeing me suspiciously.

"yeah-meow meow meow meow" I said fixing my plate.

"do you mind telling me why you are meowing?" she asked.

"I have a lot on my mind and I really don't want to think about it but it so damn-" my words where cut short my the entrance of the cursedly sexy fantasy himself. "meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow" I began again.

"oh..kay, I would ask if rose lost it but the obvious answer would be…yes" Christian said coming up behind lissa and wrapping an arm around her. I half expected to see a bruise on his face, but well being a kick ass healer had it's perks. Like when you or your body invading friend punches the crap out of your boyfriend after having sex. So he looked good. To good. This boy was going to kill me and if he didn't Lissa would if she every found out.

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**so no I haven't exactly gotten five reviews but seeing as i just write what comes to mind and edit later i had to write this out tonight. Now i need ten reviews chapter 3 is already written so i won't have to worry about loosing my train of thought. lol. and the cat song well that literally was the first thing to pop in my head. again flames are welcome but please don't be rude. **


	3. Broken Fences

**This is thanks you to those of you who _did_ review, and for adding me to your favorites. **

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Broken Fences

I took off running knowing that if I stayed that I would further embarrass myself in front of this moroi god. I wasn't entirely sure where I was going until I reached the track. It had been weeks since I ran this track but I wasn't worried about that at this moment I was more worried about why I was feeling like a crushed out school girl. Even Dimitri hadn't made me feel like that. With Dimitri I knew I had belonged with him. _no rose you can't think about that either. Get it together rose these aren't your feeling and you know it._I ran harder and faster hoping that this was the equivalent to a hangover, hoping that I could just shake it.

Much to my disappointment I couldn't get rid of it. _damn it rose what the hell is wrong with you_? That was a question that I was getting really use to asking myself, and what didn't surprise me was that I got no answer. _oh yeah because it is actually to much to ask for a little help._

Then as if I was being smiled upon I knew why I had felt that way. When mason died I felt everything that Lissa felt and was easily sucked into her head because I wasn't strong enough to keep the shield up. I didn't want to keep the shield up, for once I didn't want to be in my own head. Then when _he_ left it depressed me. I had gotten so used to Lissa's feelings being my own and drowning out the pain that I had forgotten that I could drown her out.

_Okay rose you can do this_. I stopped dead in my tracks as I prepared to bring up my wall again._ oh and thank you_. I know it might have been weird to thank whoever helped me come to this conclusion but I hadn't gotten here on my own and well he or she needed credit. Slowly I concentrated on putting up my shield, it was hard considering that it hadn't been used for about a 2 months now.

At first I couldn't tell if it was working but gradually I could sense lissa's thoughts leave me. I was no longer infatuated with the pyromaniac and my thoughts where mine again. I was so happy until I realized that my thoughts hadn't been pleasant, I hadn't really thought on my own since masons death so I never really healed. _shit, ah well I'm glad someone has a sense of humor._

I felt all the pain come back to me running me over and eventually knocking me on my ass. I frantically struggled with the shield trying to get it away from me. I saw every unresolved thought I ever had. The car accident, being called a blood whore, being used, then rejected, my jealousy towards christian, my love for Dimitri, his obvious love for me. _no no no no no please get away from me, I don't want to think about this, I don't want to think about any of it I would gladly take indirect sex with christian over this please._ it was to late one particular memory hit me hard enough to stop my attempts at trying to push the shield away and knock me out. _yes sweet sweet darkness please take me. Hell id even welcome Adrian if it meant I wouldn't have to deal with this._ no such luck I was completely trapped under the weight of this memory.

"Roza?….."

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**sorry so short but trust me things will get good. i can bearly contain myself, part of me wants to spoil the surprise. i have been writing all day trying to get their peronalities right is hard. Although i can relate to Rose in so many was from her forbidden love to her bad rep. that isn't what it turns out to be. alot of parts in this fanfic strike true to home, as do the actual books so please be nice when reviewing and or flaming.**

**Thanks for reading. (review please)**


	4. Dream come true

**Well i hope you enjoy. **

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**Dream come true.**

"roza?…" Dimitri said. Looking at me. This was beyond cruel not only was I remembering but I was also forced to watch it. The day that Dimitri "broke up" with me I knew the words that where coming I just didn't want anything to bring me down from the height of our stolen kiss the night before._ and cue weird flashback bubble. _I thought as I watched the scene unfold.

"don't Dimitri I already know what it is that you want to say, and I don't think that I can actually have this conversation with you, I don't want to get mad at you because after all I was the one that thought it was a good idea, hell I was the one who gave her the damn idea and I will beat myself up over that later but right now can we just train." I said hoping he would agree.

to my utter surprise he did. He regarded me with complete seriousness and I for once acted like his student giving every thing I had. I swear I think that I fought my hardest pinning him six times before practice was over. He managed to get me down twice but I was so overwhelmed with emotions. Hatred, pain, love, longing, rejection, regret, and the fact that this was the last time I would get to train with him.

To make him proud was my over all goal. And I wanted him to see I could be as mature as him. I knew it wouldn't change his mind, the decision was made the night I told him I was okay with it. Or as I like to think of it as the night I lied to make him happy. I had meant it when I said that I wanted him to be happy and I stand by my word. So I was going to make the best of my last day with him. I thought about playing him and making him see what he was walking away from but that wasn't what I wanted to do. I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the morning if I did. The thought alone disgusted me.

"roza?" he said when I ran to get my water. I ignored him. "rose, look at me" damn it a direct order. Just like the one that got us into this mess in the first place.

"yes?" I asked turning towards him still drinking my water.

"we have to talk about this eventually, I don't want you to come down here tonight and be disappointed when you don't find me here." he said.

"um ouch, that hurt a little" I mumbled. I was certain that we had gotten past the point of hiding what we felt from each other. So as possible as it was for those words to piss me off he was right even though I knew he was leaving today I would still expect him here as if he could be in two places at a time.

"sorry roza"

"it's fine I just…..shit" was all I could manage to say. That one little swear word that he had heard me say so many times before though held pain rather than and sarcasm.

"I know, and I wish I didn't have to do this to you" he said. Times like this I was glad he knew what I was saying without me having to actually say it.

"it is my fault, all of it, my fault, if I hadn't have run away you wouldn't have been the one to bring me back and save my education. If you hadn't have caught me with Jesse you wouldn't have had another reason to be attracted to me, and I wouldn't have bared my sole with you. We would not be so close, and that damn kiss well you know what happened after that, then you told me you loved me, if I hadn't survived that damn crash well there would be no reason to love me would there?"

"don't talk like that roza"

"it is true Dimitri"

"yes, all of it is true, but I am glad I got to spend what ever time I did with you rose" he said hugging me.

"yeah same here."

"you are really brave love"

"well lets face it old man I'm seventeen and even if I could have kids I probably wouldn't because im just to screwed up to raise them right, Tasha is ready and who am I to deprive the world of another bad ass Russian, oh excuse me Russian Romanian hybrid." I chuckled. As if it was the easiest thing to do.

"you aren't screwed up rose and I am not that old, but yes Tasha is ready, if your doing this because you want me to live out a dream of having kids then im not going to do it." he smiled a little.

"dimitri, seriously, you know how rare it is for a dream to come true? More importantly do you know how rare it is as a dhampir to have a dream come true, living your life and dying for someone else is all we are good for apparently. If you turn her down your chances dwindle. I know you love her, and she loves you. I would never be able to forgive myself if you stayed for me."

"oh roza, you are truly the most selfless person I know" he said kissing the top of my head.

"it would have been so much easier for me to leave here with both of us mad at each other."

"it would but this is where I get selfish, I want you to know why I am not putting up a fight. Maybe one day I we will look back at this and see how this made me a better person. We will both have kids that passed through this school and realize that we did the right thing. And on the off chance this is the wrong thing well, you know I would take you back in a heart beat." I said.

"well you are definitely not making it easy roza but thank you. That is exactly what I didn't expect to here. But I am glad you said it." he said lifting my chin to look me in the eyes.

"so is it going to kill us if I kissed you for the last time?" I smiled at him.

"no I don't think so and if it does I will die a happy man."

"and I a happy woman" I said as our lips met.

This kiss wasn't as guarded as the stolen ones where because this one wasn't stolen. We deserved it. It was what would get me through the day even though I hoped I was dreaming. When we broke apart he told me he loved me and left the gym. I followed but went in an opposite direction.

The day had me both numb and happy. I was still lingering on the kiss that he had given me. The one so full of love. I was so happy that I ran towards the gym with excess speed. Part of me knew that I wouldn't find anyone there but the other part hoped that it had all been a dream. I swung open the doors to find it empty. No practice dummies, no sparring mat, not Dimitri. I felt like shit all over again. I went to stand where the mat use to be. I was taken by surprise when I saw a white piece of paper lying there on the floor.

_Roza,_

_I knew you'd try to come looking for me. And I am so sorry that I am not there to hold you and wipe away the tears that are most likely running down your beautiful face. I am so sorry that you and I couldn't be together, more importantly I am sorry that I couldn't make your dream come true. You are my world Roza and to see you happy make me happy. You told me you wouldn't be happy if you tied me down, I should have talked you out of this selfless phase and stayed with you. But you aren't weak Roza you know what's best for you, something that you and I have fought over many of times before. I am proud of you and I love you._

_Dimitri_

_p.s. please try to make curfew._

He was right about a lot of things. How could someone know me so well but now belong to someone else. I couldn't move I was stuck here in the spot where his feet would have to have touch holding a note that he had held. Reading the words that he had written. shedding the tears he foreseen me shedding and dying inside as he knew I would.

"I love you too" I said before crying myself asleep on the gym floor.

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**i know it seems like fluff but why have them fight when she told him to go? I cried writing this. like i said i take alot of my stories from real life. i hope you Liked this one as well.**


	5. Understanding

**Thanks for the reviews. And just to clear up any confusion chapter four was a flash back. Enjoy.**

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"Rose, Rose" I woke up to the sound of a very worried Lissa. "Rose what just happened?"

"What do you mean?" I asked sitting up. "Am I in the clinic?" I was really starting to get confused.

"Yes Rose why the hell wouldn't you is in the clinic? I mean first you where meowing then you took off running, by the time we found you, you where past out in the snow." Christian said.

"I over did it with the running so I sat down to resting my eyes. I must have fallen asleep." I lied.

"Yeah and if that where true then you would have woken up when Lissa smacked the crap out of you." He said smiling.

"Yeah well im a heavy sleeper." I said. I continued to play dumb because I definitely didn't feel like being questioned about why I had passed out.

"Whatever Rose if you don't want to talk to us about it then just tell us but blocking things out will cause you more harm than good in the long run." Christian said.

Boy was he right but there was no way I could deal with this right now. And I didn't appreciate the fact that he _was_ right. So I responded in the only way that I possible could.

"Who the hell are you all of a sudden? Dr. Phil?" I snapped.

"Rose he is just trying to help, and he is right you know, you can't just tune out your problems, trust me I know this for a fact." Lissa said.

"Look I don't want to talk about this right now." I said defeated.

"So there is something bothering you?" Lissa asked.

"Yes, but like I said I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay but we are always here when you do want to talk about it."

"I know" I said standing up to leave the clinic. Just as I did the doctor walk in.

"Feeling better?" she asked truly concerned.

"Much I just overdid it that's all, can I go or…"

"No no, you can go just be careful." she said.

"Aren't I always?" I smirked as I left the room.

I was alone for a while walking slowly to my next class. _Yay me Stan alto always knows how to brighten a girls day._ I was dwelling on what he would do to further humiliate me today when I caught the smell of cloves.

"Hey Adrian" I said.

"What gave it away?" he smiled. With a cigarette through his teeth.

"Gee I don't know maybe the clove flavored cancer stick hanging from your mouth." I said. Still not looking at him.

"Why so mean, little dhampir, you act like being near me is repulsive." he said sounding truly hurt._ Oh great time for the guilt card._

"rough morning, im sorry, and your not repulsive it's just when you smell like cigarettes and alcohol it well…….it's a turn off, yeah even I drink but I don't smell like alcohol twenty four seven." I said. I didn't have the strength to lie to him and something about him just talking to me without the flirting was a plus.

"I see, but I have to or else I would probably be going crazy like lissa did. I mean she has you I have no one." he said. Wow he was either really drunk or as impossible as this was semi sober.

"that's not true I mean you have me too, but you never just talk to me, you make me feel like im just a possession and that makes me mad, nothing is ever serious when your drunk, and you can't count the dreams because I realized that no your not exactly drunk but it's a dream so you head is still in the clouds."

"Wow Rose I didn't know that was how you felt." he said dropping the cigarette and stamping it out. "Maybe if you would have just told me this in the beginning we would have a better relationship."

"No Adrian if you would have treated me like a person and not like a walking sex toy then we would have a better relationship." I said stopping in front of my class room. "Look Adrian you can talk to me when ever you want about anything, I mean one thing you and I have in common is that neither of us is open. And if you want to have any type of relationship with me you have to be willing to tell me everything." maybe that was the wrong thing to say because he just picked up another cigarette and lit it.

"That goes both ways little dhampir" he said.

"god your so damn stubborn, talk to you later Adrian." I said finally going inside the classroom.

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**Things are about to get complicated. (i mean when is rose's life ever simple) i hope you enjoy please review.**


	6. So Selfish

**Yes it is short but i still hope you enjoy.**

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To my surprise _Guardian_ Alto didn't pick on me. Instead he completely ignored me. Even though I was about twenty minutes late to class because of my little chat with Adrian. Maybe I wasn't the only one acting weird today. No one stared no one whispered no one even cared. I couldn't say I was complaining about the lack of attention it was just a little unusual.

"Eddie what's going on?" I whispered during the lecture.

"Oh you didn't hear?" he asked. It hurt to talk to him sometimes because he had been mason's best friend and some of their mannerisms had been the same. This had been the same thing that mason said when he was telling me about the ill fated ski trip. Only the difference between mason and Eddie was mason was wearing a huge grin whereas Eddie was grimacing. This was never a good sign.

"Hear what?" I asked trying to assess his seriousness.

"Well there has been another attack." he said. Attacks where becoming more and more frequent but something about Eddie's face told me it wasn't just another attack.

"Well who was it?"

"Rose, it wasn't just one family rose they attacked an entire academy."

"They had human help?"

"That's what they believe." he looked like he would cry.

"What else aren't you telling me?" I asked.

"Mia was there, she was turned." he said this time a tear actually leaked from his eye.

"Eddie I am so sorry" I know that after the Spokane incident he had gotten close with her.

This wasn't fair, I was worried about my fragmented feelings and there had been another attack. How selfish can I be? _They come first_. Strigoi where taking on entire schools, that is a suicide mission for them unless they have extraordinary numbers. Then it hit me.

"They are going to try to come here." it wasn't really a question but he regarded it as one.

"Yes, and we don't have nearly as many guardians as the last school did."

"Shit" I said.

This was a lot to take in, and although things weren't really as relaxed as usual it seemed like they weren't doing anything about it. Times like these I wish that I had Dimitri here. He would tell me what was really going on.

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**Well i thing i can say great things come in small packages. lol can't wait for update. Review please.**


	7. A random Support ladder

**First off thank you to all that have been reading and reviewing. secondly, things where getting really serious so i had to lighten it up a bit. which is how i got this chapter. and i have nothing against Blondes it is just a very commonly used phrase i am a brunette (of sorts) and i have major blonde moments. lol.**

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"Did you hear about the strigoi attack on that academy?" Christian asked as Eddie and I joined him and lissa in the library.

"Yes, but can we not talk about that right now?" I said watching as Eddie flinched.

"Oh, I am so sorry Eddie I know you where close." Lissa said patting his arm. I felt the hot and cold sensation and watched as Eddie smiled.

"Thank you Lissa but I doubt that there is really a cure for a broken heart" he said. This was true. I knew, I mean I only had my heart broken once but it was enough and the pain would last a life time. Or so it seems.

We sat there silent for a while, the silence left just enough time for me to dwell on Dimitri and for my shield to slip. Immediately I was partially consumed by Lissa's feelings for Christian _again_. Great timing.

"Hey guys guess what?" I said trying to lighten the mood.

"What?" Eddie asked looking like I was about to tell a joke. No, not a joke, but there might be blood shed and cussing. Which is a lot funnier than thinking about the death or departure of someone you loved.

"Well don't ask me how but a last night I was able to get into lissa's body, it was scary because at first I thought I was just seeing threw her eyes but it wasn't like any other time."

"That is interesting." Adrian said coming up behind me. He didn't smell like cloves or alcohol maybe he actually took our talk seriously.

"Wait did you say _last_ night?" Christian asked.

"Yes sparky I said Last night please don't ask how it happened or what I saw I would rather not disclose that info." I said smiling as he and Lissa both turned beet red. Although I was sure sparky's coloration was from anger rather than embarrassment.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Lissa said getting angry. _What do you think I am doing now? Man sometimes she could be a blonde._ "You know what I mean Rose why didn't you tell me in private." she said as if my face gave away something.

"Well I think it would be safe to say after passing out and then this recent news well it slipped my mind." I said smiling glad I had managed to take our thoughts off of the strigoi attack. Which had been my overall plan and I knew that lissa didn't really care that Eddie knew I mean we had became close friends. Adrian on the other hand well I will take a wild guess and say that she didn't really want to disclose her sex life with him.

"Wait! That's why you where meowing and why you ran out of the commons when Christian came in." Lissa said. Uh oh I hadn't meant for her to guess that. So much for my dumb blonde theory. "You punched Christian" huh well maybe I shouldn't have said anything.

"Uh, yeah, sorry about that but what was I supposed to do." I said hoping that my embarrassment was enough to calm her down. It wouldn't hurt to have her think I punched him to get him off of me anyway. Even though that clearly wasn't the case.

"There is more isn't there?" Christian asked. He asked because he knew there was. How in the hell was I so damn readable. I could have sworn that I asked them not to ask me how it happened. Man no one listens anymore.

"Really rather not talk about that." I said. "Sorry I brought it up." I stood up to leave.

"No no little dhampir I want to hear the rest of this story." Adrian said grabbing my arm.

"Me too" lissa chimed in.

"Okay but you can't get mad because you asked. I could have gone forever without telling you."

"Quit stalling rose"

"Fine, well remember when victor kidnapped you and that guy did all those torturing things to you?" I asked. I had known she hadn't forgotten and how could she I felt everything she did. And it was painful. I was just hoping she would put those pieces together so I wouldn't have to say it out loud.

"Yeah but what does that have to do with…" I watched her face as all the pieces fell together. "Oh. Oh my goodness you didn't, Rose that's gross."

"Well hey it isn't really my fault I didn't go to sleep dreaming about screwing Christian." I said getting defensive. "You and you damn emotions"

"Oh shit this is really good, I never thought you had it in you rose I mean I heard the rumors but I didn't think you would go all voyeuristic on us." Adrian chimed in. Well he was clueless.

"It wasn't my fault as I am sure I pointed out." I said frustrated.

"Yeah yeah we got that but you're saying you watched us?" Christian asked. _no sparky i'm saying that I had the most incredible sex ever with you, well the only sex I have ever had but still…with you._

"No Christian, she is saying that she felt us, or more importantly you." Lissa said. Great I didn't have to say it after all.

"You what?" Christian yelled. A few eyes where on us now.

"Man" Adrian said cozying himself in the chair. At least someone was enjoying this.

"Well yeah that only happened once though so don't worry."

"Uh huh"

"Please say something lissa"

"Like what Rose what do I say?" Lissa answered.

"You're mad." I said,

"Yes I'm mad, this _bond_ that you and I have is really inconvenient."

"Tell me about it, like I don't even think about him that way, well unless you do. But mostly I can control that, the sex thing I can't control because I am sleep." I said. It was the truth; when I was awake the feelings where still there but not as strong. I could control them now since I had begun to rebuild me shield. _Gee rose I don't know why you where so worried. That wasn't bad at all I mean you just told your best friend that you have had dream sex with her boyfriend through her and you had witnesses to the entire confrontation. You are fearless. _"Don't let it bother you, we just have to be a little more careful, and besides you totally missed the point of all of this, I can snatch your body and from the power of that punch my strength comes with me." I said smirking.

"Yeah your right, we have to work on strengthening our bond so that we can effectively block each other out. I mean I don't want to put you through that." she said. After all of this she was worried about me. Worried that I would be getting hurt. That was so Lissa.

"Ah and I assume this is where I come in?" Adrian said sitting up.

"Yes" I said.

"No" Christian answered. "I don't want Adrian watching us too." he said to lissa.

"No sparky he is going to help me block you two rabbits out" I said smirking.

"Oh well go for it, the thought of having sex with rose scares me."

"Hey mark this moment down because it is officially the first time we have agreed on something." I said. Although it was a lie. Christian was good really good from what lissa and regrettably I felt. I was pretty sure that it would feel a little different with me for many reasons but the most efficient one being my sex status. Lissa 20/ Rose zip.

"Hello earth to rose" Adrian said. "It isn't that bad." that statement should have shocked me and it would have if it hadn't been the perfect opening.

.

"I'll just have to take your word for it. Liss I think you have to watch Adrian and Christian obviously Adrian thinks about this a lot" I laughed. Everyone else joined in. I looked at Eddie who didn't look quite as hurt anymore and he was clearly trying to hide his interest in this conversation but he was failing miserably. _Man rose you are truly a selfless person who else would have embarrassed themselves for a friend. _Oh Eddie you owe me big. I thought as I continued to laugh.

"You know rose, the only one that I ever think about is you" he said pulling me into his lap. His breath was hot on my neck. I hadn't realized that I had gotten lost in his eyes until Eddie spoke.

"Do you two mind keeping it al least PG, you look like you are about to rip each other's clothes off"

"He wishes" I said smiling.

"I do actually, but I think you do too. And besides Eddie this conversation left PG when our little Dhampir said that part about screwing Christian" Adrian said laughing. Man what is it with people being able to read me like a book these days. I thought as I re joined the laughter and just like that our moods where spiked. I'm glad I have such smart ass friends other wise I wouldn't have made it past Stan's class. Sarcasm works great in times like these.

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**again thanks for reading please review and just so you know i hadn't really planned to turn mia it was just something that happened it shocked me too after i wrote it. **


	8. And then there is Adrian

**I know it was short but i didn't want to muddle it in with the last chapter. thanks for the reviews.**

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It had been a few days since a system overload caused me not only to tell everyone that I could feel it when Christian made love to lissa but I had been on the verge of doing the same thing with Adrian right in front of them in the middle of the library._ Goodness rose where your self respect is lacking terribly._

And it was because of this that I had asked Adrian to leave me alone for a while, that I would talk to him when I was ready. Him being Adrian I expected him to ignore my requests for privacy. So you can imagine my surprise when I was able to sleep for a week straight without interruptions. As a matter of fact I was beyond surprised I was actually lonely. I hadn't realized how much those dreams meant to me, until I was left to face my own nightmares of a red eyed Mia and a very happy Dimitri, happy with someone other than me. A very pregnant Tasha and….

I jerked upright out of my bed. I wasn't exactly sure what I was intending on doing since I was in my dorm and it was well past curfew. _That never stopped you before_. I thought to myself. But then again I had always had my Russian god to help me sneak back into my dorm. If I where to get caught this time I would definitely get in trouble. That would make Dimitri mad. I would have failed to make him proud as I had said that I would. _Decisions._

I didn't really have any other choices I was miserable, this shield crap was getting on my nerves and on top of it I am pms(ing) great rose real great. Well off to Adrian's. I thought getting out of my bed and slipping on my sweat pants and some tennis shoes. I stuffed some clothes in a bag. It was four in the morning so it would be time to get up soon anyway. No use in trying to sneak back in.

I getting across campus was easy. Getting to Adrian's room was easy. What was hard was knocking on his door. Part of me knew that if I did this there was no turning back I said that I would come to him and here I was at his door. Another part of me took that into consideration but didn't care, I wanted this, and he wanted this. Why was lissa the only one allowed to be happy? Sure he was no Dimitri but he was just as good if he took himself and everything else seriously every once in a while.

Slowly I lifted my hand to knock on the door. I wasn't even aware that I had made contact with it until I heard the lock twist. The two seconds it took me to notice it was all it took to get lost in the jade green eyes now staring back at me.

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**So what did ya think? lol**


	9. I Want You To Like Me

**I couldn't help it i had to post this. Read and review please.**

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"Rose?" he asked looking at me through sleepy eyes. Awe, was actually gorgeous in his sleepy stupor. Quit stalling rose. I thought to myself.

"What you aren't going to invite me in? My Ivashkov I though you would jump at the chance to get me in your room." I said unearthing one of my best man-eating smiles.

"Uh, huh" he said still holding on to the door. "Come in rose" he sounded pissed that I had woken him up.

I silently walk in and view the place. Since he was neither student nor teacher he made one of the quest rooms his home. It was fully equipped with a little kitchen a bathroom living room and 1 bed room. Almost like the cabin but this looked a little higher classed.

"What do you need rose" he said ushering me to the couch. I sat and waited until he joined me to talk.

"I told you I would come to you" I said.

"Well I would have thought you would have chosen a decent hour to talk rose." he was irritated and for some odd reason that turned me on more than his constant attempts to get in my pants.

A small smile grew on his face as he decided to scoot closer.

"I forgot about the damn auras" I said smiling with him.

"Well I am not offended or anything. Do I get to know what is turning you on." he asked.

"No, that wouldn't be fair, every other guy has to figure me out you are no different. Even if you can see auras." I said giving him that man eating smile again. _Wow I am really smiling all over myself. _

"I see and will you be giving me a chance to figure you out little dhampir." he said.

"And just like that Adrian is back" I said sarcastically. He looked confused. That was a first. "But yes you will if you want the chance there is just something we have to talk about first."

"And that would be?"

"Do you like me Adrian?" I asked staring him in the eyes.

"If you don't know I like you by now then you are definitely the one blinded."

"No Adrian, I know you want me which is totally different from liking me, trust me. I want you to tell me you like me." I said never breaking the stare.

"Yes rose Hathaway I like you." he said smiling. It was the most sincere smile that I have ever seen plastered on his face but it looked as if it belonged there.

"That's good, because I don't know what you heard about me but I would hate to disappoint you and tell you that I am not that easy." I said.

"Rose I never thought you where easy, and as for the rumors I didn't believe them because I see auras remember I know that they are lying." He said running his hand through my hair. "Well that is definitely one thing that turns you on."

I couldn't help it I blushed. "You're so subtle" I laughed.

"My specialty" he kissed my forehead and laid his head back on the couch.

"Listen about the drinking and smoking, if you need it then I wont stop you" I said. Realizing he was probably in pain and slowly going crazy.

"Rose if I have you to talk to then I don't need as much of it, but thanks for being concerned."

"Well I do care about you despite how I act towards you." I said and I knew it was the truth, I did care for him, and he had gotten under my skin like I had somehow managed to get under his.

"You care?" he asked sitting his head up.

"Yes, I don't just pass out I love you's if I don't mean them." I said. It might have been harsh but somehow he knew what I meant.

"Well I guess I have something else to work for." he said kissing my cheeks. "I know I haven't given you much reason to actually love me but things will change. I promise."

"I'm looking forward to that." I said snuggling myself into him and drifting off to sleep.

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**Thanks for reading. **


	10. WHat Did I Say?

**I warn you. There is a Lot of crude humor in this chapter. it isn't that bad but hey just thought i would warn you anyway. enjoy.**

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"What?" I said shoving my mouth full of a blueberry muffin. I had been so hungry seeing as the night before I had an hour when lissa and Christian weren't at it and I was forced to choose between sleeping and eating. Everyone knows that a sleepy rose is worse than a hungry one so I did them a favor. Not like they would do me one and stop having sex at least until we got this figured out.

"You are eating like you haven't eaten in days." said Eddie.

"Oh yeah maybe because princess Vasilisa and lord Ozera where going at it like they where trying to increase the moroi population overnight." I said between chews.

"Oh you are such a lady" lissa said. Blushing.

"Aren't I though?" I said swallowing my huge mouthful of muffin.

"You know you make a lot of jokes about our sex life when yours is non existent. Aren't you jealous?"

"Oh yes Christian, you are so incredibly hot, lissa I think that I might sleep with your boyfriend tonight do you mind" I said sarcastically.

"Knock yourself out although I think your hubby would have a huge problem with It." she said as Adrian put an arm around me.

"you know little dhampir, she is right I don't think that I would be able to share you, I am really jealous and lissa would kill me if she found Christian without his…..let's just say you would be able to get a lot more sleep rose." he said smiling.

Even though it was just a joke Christian's face flushed red and then green. Huh that would solve a lot of my problems I thought against my better judgment. That was risky seeing as how it involved a certain part of Christian's body that I have regrettably already seen. Thinking about thinks like that almost always resulted in wishing that lissa and I could switch roles for a day…or two. Snap out of it rose!

"So before anyone else talks about loosing pieces of their body, aren't you guys excited about field experience." lissa asked.

"Nice switch and yes I can't wait, a whole 6 weeks with lissa is sounds awesome." I said.

"How do you know you'll get lissa?" Adrian asked.

"Well I don't but if they know what's good for them they will give me who I want."

"Well that was persuasive, what are you going to do if you get as stuck up royal snob?" asked Christian. That was one thing I liked about Christian. He acknowledged his royalty but he didn't immerse himself with other stuck up royals as he called it.

"Gee Christian you know Adrian isn't a student I am not allowed to guard him." I smirked.

"I am not a snob I'm just better than you." he said in a low and sultry voice.

"At what may I ask?" I said I wasn't really curious but I was getting bothered and he knew it.

"I am a way better tease rose, and you know It." he said kissing my neck. I let out a low moan and was immediately embarrassed.

"Okay you have made your point Ivashkov not let rose breath." lissa said as she interrupted what quickly turned into a hot make-out session. Man he was ruthless.

"You get it but does she?" he said looking at me.

"Yes I got it but I still better get lissa" I said in a matter of fact tone as if Adrian hadn't just had his tongue down my throat.

"I hope so to rose because I swear if I get one of those perverts-

"You are going to watch as Christian and I kick their ass." I said.

"Wow little miss bad ass did we just agree again?" he asked playfully.

"I guess so sparky. Wow no wonder it was 70 degrees every day this week."

"Yeah and I heard that belikov is coming back" said Eddie.

I immediately froze. Adrian felt me tense and squeezed shoulder reassuringly. Where did that come from? Was I being punished?

"He…uh..what?" was all I could manage to say.

"Yeah he is coming to help hand out assignments and play strigoi, isn't that awesome?" Eddie asked.

"That was supposed to be a surprise." said lissa.

"Oops, sorry Liss." he said. But I was still stuck. I turned to look at lissa to see if this was some type of joke. She hadn't known about Dimitri and me so she would have thought that this was a surprise but I still wanted her to tell me it wasn't true.

"Surprise" lissa said with a small smile.

"I…uh…I'm going to go, run or I don't know I just need some air." I said breaking from Adrian's hold and heading towards the door.

"what did I say" I heard Eddie ask as I burst out of the common's front doors.

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**Now that you have read this chapter i have bad news..........................i will NOT be posting again..............until this weekend. i work tuesday through friday from 7 to 8 so it is kinda hard to write without babbling. but i promise if i get enough reviews i will post again immediatly friday after work i mean. i'm a crowd pleaser after all. so Dimitri is coming back. I wonder what Rose has to say about this. that is once she can form a complete sentence.**

**thanks to all that read and review. and those of you who put questions in your reviews i know alot of you are wondering how this is a RxC story, but let me assure you it will be, so i guess the next question is when. the answer: well if i gave that away then it would be pointless to keep writing. lol **

**thanks again for all the support!!!!!!!!!!!!!**


	11. The HathawayOzera treaty

**Okay so i think i have found a way around this little glitch after some work. anyway here is the promised chapter.**

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The Hathaway-Ozera treaty.

I stood in the middle of the quad staring at the ground. trying to put together all the pieces of this messed up puzzle. But I couldn't the only thing I knew was that Dimitri was coming back. Why couldn't I make my mind work past that? Why didn't I know exactly how I felt about it?

"Rose?" christian said touching my arm. The contact made me jump but I was kind of glad I had the company.

"oh sorry christian" I said still lost in thought.

"Rose" he said my name almost like he was scared to continue.

"what else is wrong?" I asked. Prompting him to finish.

"I know" he said. About what? I just looked at him like he was crazy. "about you an belikov, I am not sure how anyone could have not seen it" he answered as if he heard my thoughts. " I don't know how I didn't see it." he added almost beating himself up.

This was honestly the last thing I had wanted to hear. But I couldn't bring my voice to work. To say the words that I wish I could at least utter. The appropriate question would have been; how? but no matter how I tried I just looked like a fish. Opening and closing my mouth.

"Don't worry I didn't realize until after he left, it was like everything good in you left with him." christian said. I had never heard him talk so seriously even in the middle of the whole Spokane thing. "well what little bit of good you had in you" he said trying to lighten the mood.

the huge grin on his face told me that I was still just standing there with a dumbfounded look plastering my face.

"do you want to talk about it?" he asked.

I took a deep breath before I spoke. "if you knew why didn't you stop her?" I asked getting angry. When Lissa said that it was a surprise I could sense that she was the one the contacted them. And told them it would be a good idea to come for a visit.

"I tried but she was convinced that this was what you needed to cheer up. And I had a feeling that if that was what she thought then she had no clue how you actually felt about Dimitri." he said.

It was silent for a minute while I processed everything he had just said. I needed to sit down, this was all to much, finding out that Dimitri was coming back and then finding out that christian knew how I felt, well that was more than I wanted to acknowledge. And I couldn't even hold on to my anger.

Christian patiently sat down on the bench beside me and draped his coat around my shoulders.

"I mean really what is it with you and coats Rose you know if you keep it up you might be the first dhampir to catch pneumonia _and_ die from it." he laughed breaking the silence.

"well what about you? now your coat less" I said glad of the subject change.

"I am a fire user rose I can just heat myself up, the coat is just for show, people would look at me like I was crazy if I just walked around in basketball shorts and a wife beater."

"awe sparky I will always think your weird you don't have to put on a show for me." I joked wrapping the coat around me tighter.

"I'm flattered really." he said. "but seriously rose, if you feel like you need to talk you can talk to me."

"then what will become of this love hate relationship that I love so much?" I asked sarcastically.

"well let's just say we are on the love stage, after belikov leaves we can go back to hating each other."

"a truce? Hmmm…I could do that" I said nudging him with my shoulder not really wanting to take my arms out of this jacket.

"yeah a truce." he said.

So D-day is when? this Monday?" I asked already knowing and dreading the answer.

"no not exactly, assignments are Monday, meaning he'll have to get here a day or two earlier" he said voicing my earlier thoughts.

"meaning he's here?" I asked.

"yes"

"great so avoiding him will be my goal."

"why would you want to?"

"he's with your aunt because we where doing what was best for us, and now he is back. We never actually fell out of love with each other." I said being truthful.

"I know"

"how exactly?" I asked. I hadn't been able to ask when he first told me he knew.

"the day he left, everyone was looking for you and I came to the gym"

"and found me"

"you where out of it, you cried and passed out and cried some more. It was bad." he said_. _

"gee don't try and spare my feelings." I joked.

"I am your friend so I will always try tell you the truth." he said.

"thank you" I said smiling. "so I suppose you read his letter?"

"yeah, but I wasn't going to say anything. Why haven't you told Lissa you two are best friends" he asked looking at me with a curious eyes.

"you know as well as I do that she would blame herself for that, which is why we aren't going to tell her that I am upset that she invited them. Okay?"

"okay just promise me that you will tell her eventually"

"I will I just need time." I said.

It got quiet but it seemed that we both enjoyed it. Before this I hadn't known him to be so gentle with me. I hadn't really given him reason to, I am sure in everyone else's eyes I was the dare devil immature dhampir that handled her feelings with her fists_. Lissa _relied on christian to be the strong one. I had watched as he did this for her on many occasions. I had never expected the day when he would know something she didn't or even a day when he cared. He surprised me further by pulling me into a hug. He held me for a while snuggling his face in my hair. Part of me wanted to push him away but I realized he was just being a friend and I hugged harder. Burying my face in his chest and crying.

"it's okay rose I promise that you will be okay. You are the strongest out of all of us and that's why I know that you will make it through this" he mumbled into my hair. He smelled like the ocean and a summer breeze. It was intoxicating and before I could help myself I found my lips on his. The kiss was simple and would have been innocent if it had not been for the fact that we where both involved.

Even through that though it felt right, this one innocent kiss meant more to me than any of the most comforting words anyone could utter. I also knew that if one of us didn't pull away this could lead to something that I was sure neither one of us was ready for.

"thank you sparky" I said breaking the embrace and changing the tone.

"anytime Little ms. Bad ass" he said smirking but there was something behind his eyes that told me that we would never be going back to hating each other. I knew we would try but it would be in vain we where friends and there was just no going back.

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**okay again i am soooo...sorry i couldn't update i hope this made up for it. please read and review.**


	12. She's baaaack!

**thanks for the support guys and girls. this means so much. enjoy.

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She's Back!

I walked into Stan's class about 15 minutes late. He was talking about far guarding _again_. I was glad the he didn't stop what he was doing just to hassle me although I wouldn't have cared. My mind was still reeling from my previous encounter with Christian.

"And now that Ms. Hathaway has joined us we can continue." he said not turning around to even see me sit down. _So much for ignoring me_.

_And I swore I was going to be good today. But who am I kidding Stan brings out the Smart ass in me. This should be fun, so bring it on _**guardian**_ Alto_. I thought.

"Well you know me, grand entrances are my thing so what did I miss" I said adding as much snarkiness in my voice as possible.

"The usual but since you think you know everything why don't you come up to the front and help me present this lesson." he said with a smug smile. I had to keep from laughing outright because I was actually prepared for class today and I had done near and far guarding during one of my training exercises with Belikov.

Showing him up was bad because he hated me and thought I was incompetent. He would have found a reason to kick me out even if I where doing well and then there was the other option, to be a totally smart ass. _Hmmmmm….what to do? Either way I would get kicked out eventually._

So I gave him my best man eating smile and spoke. "I'm flattered really but won't that be showing favoritism?" I asked.

"And how so?" he said his smile faltering.

"Because you don't want every one to know you have a crush on one of your students but hey to each his own." I said with an ever growing smile plastering my face. Although, I knew this was far from the truth, I just liked getting under his skin and him constantly singling me out was annoying and maybe this would help things a bit.

I could see his blood starting to boil; the color change in his face reminded me of the cartoons. When a character would get so angry their head would explode. With that I had actually started laughing, no I wouldn't be seeing Stan's head explode today. But it was still funny. Other members of the class started laughing as well. This was too good, and I knew that trouble was following it, but he deserved a little of the embarrassment he dished out.

"Ms. Hathaway" he started.

"Count backwards from ten and then forwards do this three times and the urge to punch me will disappear." I said putting on my most professional sounding voice. "Men and their ego problems"

"Kirova now" he yelled.

"Gladly" I said grabbing my books. "Some people are just so touchy. See you later Eddie." I said before I actually left the room holding both my books and my sides.

Being in the hallway sobered me up a little and I thought about what Kirova would say, I just hope that this didn't get me expelled. And if it did I know for a fact that I would go down in history as the Novice that almost made Stan's head explode. Oh yeah I was totally expelled.

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Yes i know that it's a little much but i guess that's why i love her. lol read and review.


	13. Blackout

**I actaully had this one written for another story but it worked here so i just changed the charaters and uploaded it. hope you enjoy.

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Blackout

I hadn't even made it down the hall before I heard my name being called. Expecting to see a teacher looking down their nose at me I let a smug smile play across my lips as I turned to face my caller and froze.

"Rose?" he called again. I was lost for words, he was still as handsome as I remember. And in the small distance I could smell the aftershave that I loved so much. The smell brought back so many memories about how close I had actually been to it's source. I really couldn't do anything but stare at him. I took in his expression as I continued to gawk. Something in me wanted to run and throw myself at him but I was stopped by another voice.

"dimka? Oh there you are," Tasha said coming around the corner and freezing. "oh it's good to see you rose." she was very pretty and even in a very comfortable looking hoodie. It looked like it had belonged to Dimitri.

Having no time to either react or reject her arms where around me. "we have missed you guys." she said. Squeezing me tighter. That was when I felt a very small bump under that hoodie.

I didn't need any help cheering myself up before but now I think that I most certainly did. _he didn't waste anytime._ I was still not moving and my eyes had become unfocused when Tasha hugged me. She was pregnant by the love of my life. how can everything wrong happen to me?

Dimitri's face faltered when he saw my reaction to the bump but like always with me he put his mask back in place and preceded with the obvious question. "why aren't you in class?"

I wanted to say something, anything but the words weren't coming to my mouth. I couldn't speak.

"I am going to guess you got kicked out oh class again?" I heard Christian's husky voice call from the same corner that his aunt emerged from. "you know that if you wanted to give me my jacket back you could have just waited until after class."

I still couldn't speak as he walked over to me and took his coat. "are you okay?" he whispered.

The only thing I could manage to do was nod. He turned to walk away but I grabbed his arm. I saw him wince at the pressure I put on him. "I need to get out of here" I mouthed.

He was silent for a minute taking my appearance in. flashing me an apologetic smile he grabbed my arm and pushed passed his aunt and Dimitri who wore similar masks of concern.

"I'll talk to you later aunt Tasha rose hasn't really had a good day" he said with his back to them. Before I could get to the door everything that just happened hit me in the chest much like that memory did a while back. only this was real it was happening now. so much for avoiding it. I fell backwards into christian as I struggled to breath. " shit!" he yelled scooping me up.

"I……can't…...breath" was the last thing I said before the black sleepiness took me over again.

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**t4ts, wow, 30 reviews and over a thousand hit. i really feel the love and only on my first 11 chapters. wow. **


	14. I Need Her

**just a heads up, this is all in Christian's point of view, i think it's time to see how he feels don't you? anyway thanks for the reviews and all the support enjoy.**

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**I need her.**

"I….can't…..breathe.." she said as she went limp in my arms. My first reaction was to run her to the clinic but it was across campus. I could see the color draining from her face and that's when my decision was made. I carefully laid her back down on the floor and began to do CPR. I had to at least get her breathing again.

"What is going on?" Aunt Tasha asked worriedly.

Had she not been my Aunt I would have cussed her out and called her every name that rose would have. I was so mad at her and Guardian belikov. But instead I shot them both a warning look as I pumped rose's mouth full of air.

"Go get the dr." I yelled snapping him out of his trance. I was mad at him more than I was at her because she hadn't known and he made no effort to tell her other wise. He just left. "Tell her to bring the stretcher." I added as he was running out of the door. _Breath rose please breath. _I thought as I pumped more air into her lungs.

After repeating the process ten times I finally got her to breath. Although they where struggled breaths. When they had returned with the stretcher and two nurses. The doctor pulled me to the side and began to place an oxygen mask over her face. Her eyes hadn't opened yet but that faint breathing gave me hope that she would be okay….eventually.

There was a small audience gathered around us. I wanted so badly to set a ring of fire around us but I couldn't chance blowing up the compressed oxygen tank that was hooked to rose. I felt helpless standing there and watching them take her away on a stretcher but I followed any way with guardian belikov and aunt Tasha training behind me.

Once outside the crowds started to get bigger following to see what would happen, or who was on the stretcher although they had all already known. This was plucking the last sane nerve I had in my body, the last little voice of reason I had left.

"I heard that she over dosed on some anti depressants that she stole from the clinic." I heard one girl whisper.

"I heard she was drunk too" another one added.

And with that little comment that last nerve broke like a guitar string. A wall of flames went up around us. It was far enough out that it wouldn't interfere with the oxygen and it kept people away.

"Christian let me in" I heard Adrian's voice call. Part of me hadn't wanted to but he was her boyfriend after all. I let a portion of my shield down and let him, Eddie and lissa through. "This is getting worse" he said to me.

"I know" was all I could manage to say. This barricade was taking almost all of my strength.

"This has happened before?" I heard Dimitri ask and I guess it was a good thing that Adrian was here. Because I wasn't sure I would have been able to keep from saying something I would regret. But Adrian didn't care he said what ever was on his mind.

"Yes, cradle robber this happens a lot actually but it always seems to be getting worse" he said with an accusatory tone. "Would you like to know when it started?" he asked mockingly.

"I think I already know." he responded.

"Oh really then why don't you tell me, because I am starting to have a real problem with you being in my girlfriends thoughts all the time." Adrian said. _No Adrian you said to much lissa didn't know that._ I thought.

"You….what!" lissa said slowing her run.

"Good going, Adrian had she actually wanted them to know that. She would have told us about two months ago." I snapped. And that officially took all of the energy that I had left. My ring of fire disappeared as we entered the clinic. It was then that I knew that I needed rose in my life, whether it be as a friend or a lover I needed her and I would be damned if I let anyone or anything take her away.

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**hmm..i wonder where this is going. hope you enjoyed.**


	15. What Is She Doing To Me?

**Another Christian POV. hope you enjoy.**

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We had been told to wait outside as they rushed her into the room and closed the door behind them. I sat down on the couch looking as if I would pass out myself but I pushed it aside and focused on the door. Willing them to come out and say she was okay, or even to hear her throw something across the room. Anything would be fine.

When I had allowed myself to look at my surroundings I noticed everyone looking as if they where about to bite each other's heads off. This was going to be a fight, I knew it from the moment that Adrian had spoken. So sitting quietly I waited for the outburst that I knew was coming.

"What do you mean she thinks about guardian belikov all the time?" lissa said through a strained whisper, wanting to get loud but knew she needed to stay as quiet as possible.

"I mean exactly what I said, she and belikov had a thing going before he up and left for…" he paused and glanced at me and then Dimitri. "For princess Ozera."

"You have no idea what your talking about if she was in love with him she would have told Me." lissa said in denial. "We are best friends."

"Oh? Then tell me, since coming back to the academy has she ever been with anyone besides belikov? And how else would you explain the fact that he was the only one that could calm her down?" Adrian said. "They where together, Lissa your _best _friend isn't as close to you as you think."

"it wasn't like that with rose and I she did what she was told because she had to, and as for our relationship I wouldn't say there was much of one, I had feelings for her, true, but we knew nothing would happen for us." dimitri chimed in.

I stayed silent waiting for them to notice that I had known too, but they where so caught up in their own ego trip that it wasn't really even about rose, it was just another chance for Adrian to fight with dimitri.

"Well try telling her that, she won't move on because of you, do you know I want to be with her but she doesn't trust Me." he snapped growing louder.

"Did you ever think that your reputation has something to do with the reason rose won't be open with you? Or maybe because she is afraid that you will sleep with her and ditch her." Dimitri said matching Adrian's tone.

"So what if I want to sleep with her who doesn't? I know you did. And she would have let you."

Rose was lying in a hospital bed suffocating and they where arguing about sleeping with her. As flattered as I am sure rose would have been it pissed me off.

"Hey" I snapped. "You claim to love her so much and yet you left her"

"It was-"

"Yeah I get the whole for her career thing and I know that she told you to go but still to show up and act like nothing ever happened is more than a little fucked up." I said. I saw Adrian smirk.

"And you act as if she is the center of your world but let's face it, she's just a trophy to you, you prance her around in all the fancy things your family's money can buy her. No she doesn't love you, and you know that, so you buy her things, she can't be bought Adrian." I shouted my voice getting louder than everyone's.

"You have a lot of nerve, you knew the whole time how she felt and what was happening to her and didn't tell us" Adrian said.

"She told me not to, it wasn't my business"

"This isn't your business now." Adrian yelled.

"Rose is my business, you arrogant assholes think that you can take anything you want from her and expect her to heal because she is a dhampir, and young, both of you are wrong. I know what it's like to loose family and to want to cling on to the first good thing that comes your way only to have it snatched from you. That is exactly what you are doing to Rose and I won't just sit back and let you destroy her."

Everyone was silent for a minute. I could feel all the eyes that where on me, I knew that I had screwed up. I had just at the very least publicly professed my allegiance if not love for rose. _What is this girl doing to me? _

"Christian?" Lissa's soft voice wrapped around me. I had forgotten that she was there. Rose would kill me if she found out. _It's funny that even while facing a very bad breakup your mind is on rose_ I thought.

"Lissa…" was all I could get out as I turned to face her. There where tears welling up in her eyes, I had just shattered her world much like Dimitri did to Rose._ There she is again._

"Why?" she asked. "Why didn't you tell me? She is my best friend Christian! How can you let yourself fall for my best friend?"

"I didn't realize it until recently Lissa I swear" I said walking towards her. She backed away from me like I had the plaque.

"Does she share your feelings?" she asked. That was actually a very good question, outside of that kiss she had never let anything slip. And the kiss was only because we where caught in the moment. Had I really just thrown my future with lissa away for someone who actually might not like me?

"Not that I know of." I finally said.

"So you just decide to tell the world you're in love with rose and don't even know if she loves you back?" she asked.

"Look, I probably would have tried to pretend other wise but it isn't fair to you." I said.

"So you're dumping me?"

"I don't want to, but how else are we going to get past this I mean, I love you, I guess I just love Rose more" I said.

"Not an easy decision is it?" I heard Dimitri chime in.

"Well I'm not going to hurt one with the other." I said. Hoping I could bring myself to believe this.

"That will get old real fast" Dimitri said.

"I love you lissa please understand that."

"What ever, rose is in that room right now hurt so we will figure it out later." lissa said sitting in a chair. That was never good.

But all things considered she took it well, I knew we had more to talk about once rose got better. And as much as it hurt me to hurt lissa, I felt better admitting my feelings publicly. I care for her, but how do you balance that with just being friends?

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**wow mean are being jerks at least he is the nicest jerk of all. lol hope you enjoyed r/r please**


	16. My Angel

Everything eventually got quite again as we waited for the doctor to bring us more information. It was then that I noticed that aunt Tasha was still there. We had just exposed rose and Dimitri's relationship and she was just as shocked and hurt by all of this as lissa had been, because that meant that she was _his_ second choice. I didn't know how to help her though. Being that I had put lissa in the same category. _What the hell did I just do? _I thought.

After what seemed like hours the nurse came back to us. I quickly took in her posture and the look on her face. It didn't seem sorrowful but even though the front of my mind didn't acknowledge it, the back of my mind took note to the fact that she was in there to long, something was most definitely wrong.

"Well we managed to stabilize her, once she got in the room she had a seizure, and if it hadn't been for Christian's fast thinking she would have suffered major brain damage. I am not entirely sure what caused this but we don't want to chance it. And with field experience coming so soon I think that she should sit out the first few weeks just to see how she does." the nurse explained.

"Rose isn't going to like this but is there anything else we can do?" I asked. Speaking for her was suddenly up to me.

"Unfortunately no not unless we know what caused this."

"I see." I made a mental note to ask rose if I could tell the doctor why it happened. If telling meant she could do her field experience then I was sure she would go for it. "Is she awake?" I asked.

"Not just yet, we had to sedate her. Once she came around she started trying to fight us and I don't know what she does different from other dhampir but she is strong." she said smiling.

This made most of us smile too. With the exception of Tasha, we all knew that rose hated hospitals, and her trying to fight off the help sounded just like her. That girl would take on strigoi but was scared to death of needles. Then my mind clicked into gear. I never heard her fighting anyone, I didn't hear anyone screaming nor did I see any attendants come and help. Just as my mind formed the thoughts I had the answers. We wouldn't have heard _her_ fighting because we where fighting. _Where was the irony in that_?

"So anyway, she was scared and looked a bit distant the whole time. But now she is resting beautifully" the nurse finished. I wondered is she had known she put my mind at ease.

"When can we see her?" I asked again speaking for every one, although I could care less if they saw her, I wanted her to myself.

"I'm afraid that won't be possible for at least another 6 hours." she said.

Six hours? That was pure torture, I was glad that she was okay but not to be able to see her for six hours was agony. Thinking back I don't really remember any time I had actually gone a whole six hours without seeing her, other than when we where sleeping. But ever since she told lissa that she was in her head when we made love I would see her in my dreams. Wow this girl has changed me in so many ways in the course of a day. I was a little upset that she could do this to me though. My heart began to ache. No matter how much I hated Adrian he was right. It was always Dimitri. He did this to her. I will make sure she forgets about Dimitri _and_ Adrian if it's the last thing I do.

"Thank you" I said breaking from my mental rant.

"I am going to go get passes to class who else needs one." lissa asked. Only Eddie raised his hand. I had more questions for the doctor, Tasha and Dimitri where going to get Kirova and Adrian left with a cigarette dangling from his mouth.

"I'll catch up to you later" I said. As they walked off.

"Yeah" was all I got in response.

"I know you said that no one was allowed to see her but would you mind if I just stayed with her? I won't bother her, she is a good friend I actually expected for lissa to want to stay but I am glad that she didn't. I really just don't want to leave her." I said once I was alone with the nurse.

"Tell you what Mr. Ozera if you keep quiet I will let you in" she said beckoning me to follow her to rose's room.

I had expected her to tell me no but she surprised me. "What a day" I mumbled as I followed.

"And just think you have another 6 months of school left. And the world outside of these gates is even more unpredictable." she said smiling. It was meant as both a joke and words of wisdom.

"Yeah and that's what scares me." I said honestly. Normally I would have had a witty comeback but I think that the nurse that saved my rose's life deserved a little respect, after all she had been beaten up by rose earlier. I thought stifling a laugh.

"Now you have to stay quiet, if you startle her I will have to ask you to leave." she said ushering me into the room.

I was immediately speechless, I couldn't even say thank you, all I could do was stare. She was beautiful. Even in the hospital gown. The epitome of an angel, and she took my breath away. I had long since gotten my strength back but it seems like looking at her now took it all away again. I didn't even care, she could have been a strigoi draining me and I would have let her. I had to have her, all of her, but that would have to wait. I knew it would be a while but I would wait. Even if I was waiting until the end of my life, I would gladly die making love to my angel.


	17. My Give A Damn's Busted

**See told ya, anyway, this is all rose's pov and the m rating starts in the first paragraph. it doesn't stay that way though. enjoy **

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I felt that familiar rush of feelings as I opened my eyes, only to see that I was not in the hospital, but in the attic. I was crying and Adrian was there to comfort me. I wasn't quite sure why we where in the attic but I didn't care. The only thing I wanted that moment was his lips on mine. He complied and began kissing me. It was soft and full of love, and then it turned to more urgent kisses hurt and confused. I even felt betrayal, and eventually lust. He laid me on my back and continued to kiss me. We had made out before but we had never gone further than that. Part of me wanted to stop the other part screamed to me that it felt so right. His body on mine. I let him remove my underwear as he did the same for his.

We where completely naked and he was glorious. I didn't have time to acknowledge this fully because my body was hungry. His lips trailed the entire length of my body when while he expertly put the condom on. Only using one hand. I felt as if I wanted to laugh. People had called him a man whore and he swore he wasn't but he was a little to handy with a condom not to be. I didn't say anything though, because he was hovering above me sliding himself in me. It was slow at first and then rough. All the hungry lust came back as he picked up the pace. I flipped us over so that I was on top moaning into the air. I watched the way he looked at me and I loved it. It was driving me crazier than being on top of him. But my euphoria was lifted when I heard the last thing I thought I would ever hear from him.

"Lissa, I'm…." Adrian moaned.

_What? How could this be happening? Adrian and I where dating lissa was my best friend. Sure I kissed Christian but I didn't try to claim him._

"I know…..I…oh my goodness…." she screamed back. I felt everything from the jolt of the orgasm to feel of his body reacting to its release and I couldn't do anything. I felt dirty like I had wanted to cry. My best friend and my boy friend had just had sex and I had to watch the whole thing. I couldn't break free from her feelings, they kept me there. What did I do to make them do this to me? I thought as I began to try to work my way out of her head.

"She's awake" I heard someone call. As I lay in bed with my eyes closed. The florescent lights told me I was still back in the hospital even though after what I just saw there was no doubt about that. "How are you feeling?" the voice asked again.

I couldn't answer instead I just opened my eyes to see Christian Eddie Dimitri Tasha Kirova mom and the nurse. I wanted to hope that it was just a dream so I looked harder for the two missing heads. They where still nowhere to be found. I let a tear slide down my face as I tried to sit up.

"Rose I don't think that you should be up right now." the nurse said.

"I'm fine" I said trying to hold back the sobs.

"What's wrong" Christian whispered.

"Where are Liss and Adrian?" I asked as if I was a sucker for pain.

"I don't know lissa and I had a fight the other day so I haven't talked to her, I think Adrian is holed up in his room." Christian said looking at the other faces.

That was all it took for my sobs to escape.

"What's wrong Rose?" I heard Christian ask.

All I did was shake my head.

"Rose?"

"Their in the attic" I said crying harder.

"Who?" Dimitri asked.

"Lissa and Adrian, they….they had…..Christian why is she doing this to me? I can't be happy just once" I asked crying some more.

"What is going on?" my mother asked.

"Wait you mean they are in the attic now, how much did you see?" Christian asked knowing what I had meant.

"Everything, I wanted it to be a dream but it isn't what did I do to her to make her hate me. I would give my life for her and she had sex with him Christian." I almost yelled.

I saw shock on everyone's faces and pure anger on Christian and Dimitri's.

"This is my fault" Christian said.

"How, what did you do?"

"When we brought you in here Adrian and Dimitri started fighting and Adrian said something that pissed me off so I interfered but when I did I kind of told everyone in the waiting room that I was in love with you." he said.

I just stared at him, I didn't know how to react.

"Say something please" he asked. I jerked my hands out of his and continued to stare at him. "Rose please." I could hear the tears in his throat.

"Is that all you told her?" I asked. I still didn't understand how him telling her that he was in love with me would cause her to sleep with my boyfriend.

"she asked if you felt the same and I told her no. she said we would figure it out once you got better, I swear I didn't think she was going to do that." he said. Trying to take my hand again. I wanted so badly to let him but I wasn't sure I had just had my trust betrayed by the only three people I let in. I was scared to let Christian in, scared that he would cut the last string that was holding me to my sanity. So I snatched away again.

"Get away from me." I said dangerously low.

"Rose"

"Just move I need air." I said. Standing up to walk past the crowd of people in the small room.

"Oh goodness rose I thought you would never wake up" lissa called as she ran into the room and gave me a hug. It was faint but I could still smell sweat on her skin. I didn't hug her back though.

"Lissa I would let her go if I where you" Adrian said joining us. He was looking at me hard reading my aura, so I couldn't even blame this on him being drunk.

"Why? I am happy to see her." lissa said but she let me go. "Rose are you okay?" she asked,

"would you be okay if the one and only person you where in love with left you for another woman and then came back with her because she was asked by your best friend, or if you found out that that same woman was pregnant even after it has only been a few months, wouldn't that make you a little anxious, or if you couldn't open up to someone and when you did you felt like you where betraying your other friends, or if you had to watch your best friend fuck your boyfriend? Would you be okay lissa?" I said backing her into a corner.

"Someone grab her" I heard Adrian yell as I was about to pounce on her like a jungle cat.

I was immediately held down by Eddie and Dimitri who where both following me since I started talking. I hadn't realized it but another pair of arms wrapped around my waist. And yanked me backwards. I soon learned that they had belonged to Christian.

"Rose I am sorry I didn't mean for you to see that" she said tear welling up in her eyes. I felt her emotions but this time my anger won out.

"That's not what I want to hear" I yelled thrashing in Christian's arms. "Let go of me" I yelled.

"What was I suppose to do my boyfriend told me he was in love with you."

"So you sleep with mine? What friend ruins a life like that huh?" I screamed.

"You never really cared about him in the first place." she snapped back.

"How would you know what the hell I was thinking lissa? The only one you ever cared about was you"

"That's not true"

"Oh? Then tell me when did you find out that I was in love with Dimitri?" I asked. I saw eyes widen at the reveal of names. "When?" I yelled louder startling her.

"The day you passed out. But you would have never told me anyway."

"see, you where so blind, Adrian knew from the moment he met me which is why he didn't like him, Christian knew after he left which is why I was talking to him, and you my best friend couldn't look away from the mirror long enough to notice."

"I am sorry, is that what you want to hear?" she asked.

I was now standing on my own but Christian's arms where loosely around my waist ready to grab me if he needed to.

"No Lissa, sorry just doesn't cut it when it comes to ruining my life, I gave up everything that I wanted so I could train to be your guardian" I said looking at my chotki. I unsnapped the hook and wrapped it around my finger before I spoke again. "But why would I want to guard you now?" I said throwing it at her.

"You don't mean that once you calm down we can talk everything out." she said actually in tears now.

"No, why would you want to be guarded by someone who would no longer die for you? Because I won't do it anymore. I honestly have no more reason to want you alive." I said staring her dead in her face. Everyone looked at me like this was some kind of joke, as if I would say gotcha and everyone would start to laugh. Honestly I wanted that too. But I knew that this wasn't a joke. And I also believed every word I had said.

"Are you sure you feel that way?" she asked. I feel the compulsion running through our bond.

"Don't!" I yelled. "I am not a toy, I am not your personal shield despite what I have been taught, I actually have feelings and you just proved to me that you think just like every other royal, you think you can have what you want when you wanted it, even if it means taking them from other people." I said but I was looking at both Tasha and lissa. "You can let me go now" I added.

"Are you going to behave?" Christian said.

"You sound like my mother" I said flatly. When he didn't budge I answered. "Yes I will behave"

He let me go and I walked over to my bed and sat down. Looking at the floor.

"Rose,-" my mother started to say.

"Just please leave" I said on the verge of tears again. No one moved. "GET OUT" I yelled.

"Rose you're hurting and I am sorry but that is no way to treat anyone, especially a royal" mom finished.

"Didn't you hear me? I don't give a damn what happens to any of the royals anymore, I hardly give a damn about what happens to me after tonight" I said.

"That is what we do though and it is considered and honor to work for a royal some people aren't as lucky."

"well integrity and self respect come before honor remember, and I sure as hell wont be loosing what ever little bit of self respect I have left guarding."

"Being a blood whore is worse." she said.

"To be a whore you actually have to have sex, and that requires trust how do you sleep with someone you can't trust? And how in the hell can you expect me to trust anyone after this?" I said lying on my side facing the wall. Signaling the end of this conversation.

I listened as everyone left, those who hadn't pissed me off hugged me and said goodbye which had only been Eddie, Kirova, and Christian. Because I knew this wasn't his fault. The quietness gave me some time to think about what I was going to do after graduation, I knew I wasn't going to guard, but I also knew that I would have to do the field experience with some one while I was still here. In the back of my head I knew who it was, but to acknowledge it now was more than a little contradictory. So I brushed the thought away and cried myself to sleep.

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**poor rose, but please tell me what you think, and if you would agree with rose, b/c lissa really did ruin everything. r/r please and thank you.**


	18. New Dawn New Day New Rose

**Thanks for the reviews and I am sorry to those of you that hate it when they fight. But things always get bad before they get better. As for this chapter bear with me, I was trying to balance personalities so please don't hesitate to tell me if I didn't do that well.**

**Other than that enjoy.**

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M**o**nday morning had finally come, but it didn't really hold the same meaning as it had just two days ago. Then I had been excited about spending a whole six weeks with Lissa, now I wasn't so sure if I wanted to graduate. Something in me knew that was just my anger talking, that I had every intention of graduating. The only thing that wasn't figured out for me was if I really wanted to be a guardian. I had said that I didn't and that I wasn't going to, but what else was there? I had devoted so much of my teenaged life to protecting Lissa that I honestly didn't know what I was good at.

The doctor had let me go on the condition that I get plenty of rest set up an appointment with the counselor and opt out of the field experience for about two weeks. I hadn't really cared that she had made me opt out, the only thing I had enough energy to do anyway was walk to my room and pass out. Which is exactly what I had done. Sleeping off and on the duration of the day. When I did manage to stay up for more than five minutes it was to take my shower. I stayed there until the water got cold, and returned to my bed not even bother to get dressed or blow dry my hair. From an outsider's point of view I was a wreck. It was a wonder I even had enough tears to cry. Had I been human I would have dehydrated my self the first hour I lay in my bed.

It was about four o'clock in the afternoon when I heard someone knock at my door. I hadn't wanted to move to unlock it so I just laid there listening to the pounding grow louder. Five minutes was all it took for the increasingly loud banging to stop before the person spoke.

"Rose please I need to explain, I didn't say anything the other night because you where already so mad you wouldn't have listened to me anyway." Adrian said on the other side of the door. He was actually the last person I wanted to see. So I ignored his pleas. "Come on, I am not leaving until you open the door." he screamed. "Damn it rose open the fucking door." he said louder. Where were the matrons when you needed them? I thought.

That kept up for a while until it became annoying. I picked up my phone and dialed a number that I had never actually used before today. I zoned out while it rung but was brought to attention by a husky voice.

"Rose?" the voice on the other end asked.

"Christian" I said "can you just make him go away?" I asked, I had never been so weak before but with good reason my self esteem took a major hit and my moping wasn't helping things, I just couldn't do anything else. I was drained both physically and mentally.

"I'll be there in a minute." he said hanging up the phone.

He was true to his word because a minute later I heard Christian's voice booming through the hallway.

"You need to leave, she doesn't want you here" I heard him say.

"And who the hell are you all of a sudden, the only reason that this happened was because you couldn't keep your feelings in check around my girlfriend." he yelled back.

There was no way in hell that I was still his girlfriend.

"What the hell does that mean?" Christian asked.

"I saw you kiss her the other day, I let it slide thinking maybe you where trying to comfort her in a way I couldn't, but then you told everyone that you loved her and lissa got hurt and I got angry. So yes I slept with her but not because my feelings for rose changed."

"What feelings? How can you claim to love her, you slept with her best friend ruining their relationship?"

"Is it their relationship your worried about or the fact that now it will take you longer to get in her pants." Adrian said. I could almost hear the smile in his voice like pissing off a fire user with a temper matching mine was an accomplishment. "Yeah well good luck that prude is a tough nut to crack even when she's wasted." he added the smile still in his voice. But I was sure that smile had immediately been wiped away when I heard Christian's fist connect with Adrian's face. This was definitely one royal that didn't fight with politics. Even that was not enough to get me to open my door. Even though I really wanted to see it.

"If you ever make any type negative comment about her again, you will be begging for me to end your sorry excuse of a life, you got that. Because something you fail to notice, you didn't "get in her pants" either, you where never even close and it may not seem like it now but that will mean something to her once she gets her head on straight."

I didn't hear a response from Adrian. That meant he was either unconscious or walking away. Either one would have been a win for me.

I had just settled back into my bed when my phone started to vibrate. Careful not to drop it I slid it to the edge of the end table and without picking it up I scrolled to the message icon.

_I'm sure u don't want 2 tlk right now so txt me whn ur rdy _

I wasn't going to answer him but he had just punched a royal moroi in my honor.

_Thnx, I owe u, r u ok?_

_Thatz juss like u. puttin on a brave face 4 me when I should b comforting u._

_Well It still had to hurt sum._

_What hurt waz how badly she hurt u. _

_Glad I still have at least one person I can count on. _

_Always, I 3 u_

_Will u be mad if I don't respond?_

_U juss did. *rolls eyes*_

_Guess I did, night Christian *tries to smile*_

_Nite oh and don't force it rose, you'll feel better soon. _

_Promise?_

_Cross my 3_

I knew he was right, although it felt like I would never heal. Like the hole that Dimitri Adrian and lissa ripped in my heart was permanent and to a certain extent it was. We would never be the same. I thought of all the plans we had, we where suppose to be one big happy family. Lissa with Christian and me with Dimitri.

I began to cry again thinking that our happy ending was no where in site. Things would have been so much different had we not been caught. Nothing good has happened since coming back here. I needed to leave, to clear my head and live for me for a while, but since the chances of that happening where slim I would have to find some other way to breath and find myself. I Also knew that it wasn't going to happen with me crying all the time. So I made it up in my mind that One day was all the time I was going to let myself cry over the people that hurt me, I was definitely going to move on. Sure I would still be in pain, but they win if I show it to them. Until Dimitri I was never vulnerable, after him I am a wreck, I hate myself for wearing my heart on my sleeve. But hey you live and learn. Right?

…**next day…….**

I woke to the sound of my alarm clock beeping in various different pitches. It was one of those fancy ones that Lissa had gotten me as a gag gift for Christmas one year. As I thought about this I laughed and picked the increasingly annoying little clock up and chucked it at the closest wall with all the strength I could muster. After all I was still laying in the bed with the covers over my head. It startled me when I heard pieces bang to the floor. I didn't feel the least bit bad about it though it must have cost a fortune which luckily for her she has. _note to self buy a new clock_.

My attitude was starting to come back, not exactly to it's fullest but still strong. I had gotten passed my pity partying stage of our break up. Now it was on to the next step. One that I was sure I would enjoy. I let a smile play across my face because today was a day of purging.

Immediately I got up out of my bed, and found some comfortable clothes to put on. While I was getting dressed I thought about where I should start. Adrian was a bit deranged at the moment, Belikov was preoccupied with the strigoi stuff and lissa was probably still wallowing in self pity. _good she deserves it._ she would also be the hardest to get rid of. I had a lot of things that belonged to her, and the fact that although I am blocking it out now, if I get to close to her I might loose my resolve.

"Adrian it is then." I said gathering the stuffed animals and little nic nacs he had brought me and putting them into a trash bag. _boy did he waste his money. _

After I had grabbed everything I made sure I had my key before I locked my door and headed to the guest housing. People looked at me like I was crazy as I walked with a huge trash bag full of _junk_. Once there I began to bang on his door much like he had mine the night before.

"Rose I am so sorry I swear it won't happen again." he said hugging me. I didn't hug back and he was to drunk to tell I hadn't actually forgiven him.

"Uh huh, here is you shit back Adrian" I said handing him the bag.

"I bought all of this stuff for you. Are you breaking up with me?" he asked his words slurring a little. _No idiot I'm madly in love with you. _

"Is that even a question?" I asked looking at him like the liar he was. Some nerve.

"What happened with lissa was nothing; it was just something I did because she needed it. And besides you and the human flame thrower where kissing."

"We kissed once, and had that been all you did with Lissa I would have just sucked it up and moved on. But seeing as you _fucked_ her, because that's what you did since you say it didn't mean anything. You and I are through." I said throwing the bag at him once more.

He finally took it knowing I wasn't taking no for an answer. "Where are the clothes and the jewelry?" he asked.

"well the clothes I'm keeping because let's face it they where cute and the jewelry, well I think that the jewelers in Missoula would love to have their hands on the necklaces and what they don't want I can pawn." I said in a matter of fact tone.

"You really are a piece of work little dhampir."

"My name is rose. Got it, and yes I am a piece of work, to bad you passed up the best thing that ever happened to you." I said walking out of his room. Yes it was very conceiting but it was the truth, he had even told me that I was the only dhampir that told him no. _oh well on to the next one._ "This will be a little tougher." I mumbled.

I was nearly sprinting back to my room to gather up every thing that had anything to do with Dimitri. _You should burn down the gym._

I gathered all of the things he had gotten like the lip gloss tube, the keychain we picked up in Idaho, the dress that he tore off of me that night, the necklace that started this whole thing, the gloves he had given me during one of our first few practices, the sweat shirt and last but not least, that stupid note, all that was left of his love for me. _Some love._

Just like with Adrian I marched to his room which happened to be in the same building just down the hall from where his old room was. I banged on the door until Tasha answered wrapped in a sheet. _Priceless. Fucking priceless._

"Rose what are you-" she started.

"I want to speak to Dimitri" I said calmly.

"I don't think that's a good idea, rose you have been through a lot I don't think you should be-"

"Are you going to tell him I'm here or not?" I said cutting her off again. But before she could answer she was joined by a very aggravated looking Dimitri.

"What are you doing here?"

"Giving you your stuff back, if you don't want it I can burn it but I'm not keeping it." I said handing the junk to him making sure the note was on top.

"You kept this?" he asked.

"Yeah stupid I know"

"Rose…you don't have to do this"

"Oh but I do, see it's called purging, you know out with the old in with the new, although I am not sure what's new about me just yet. Guess it will surprise me. Bye belikov, Tasha." I said sizing them up. _Good rose now turn and keep walking._

"Get back here." he yelled down the hall.

"Sorry, I don't take orders from you anymore." I said in a cheery voice. "Have a nice day"

Man I was actually starting to have fun with this. Yes I hated fighting with him, but that wasn't a fight that was me pushing him out of my life. This time for good. And had he actually cared he would have tried harder to stop me, I realized then that I was the biggest fool ever.

Okay, the boys are out of the way, and I still didn't have the nerve to face lissa so I just wandered around campus for a while. Stopping every now and then to stare at the groups clustered by the benches or huddle up walking towards the libraries. I wondered if they had been betrayed by a friend or a boyfriend. The answer was probably yes. It was then that I thought about mia. It had been a while since se had crossed my mind, but I had thought about the way she acted towards us. I had gotten my feelings hurt protecting lissa. She had hated her for what her brother did. And she hated me because I was friends with Lissa; the Spokane incident changed our relationship much like it had changed my relationship with Christian. Eddie was better off. I thought then immediately scolded myself for doing so. Being in love is one of the best feelings in the world, finding someone who loves you back is the most painful part. He had found his someone but she had been taken from him. Much like Dimitri from me.

Moroi classes had begun to let out and there where more people exiting buildings and lingering in the quad. I felt a cold breeze and I came to my resolve. I didn't have to face Lissa I could get rid of her another way. I slowly walked back to my room and began to gather everything that had been given to me by her or meant something to us both. It took about 7 huge trash bags and 3 trips to get it all to the middle of the quad.

During my last trip I decided to call Christian.

"Yeah?" was how he answered.

"Grab everything that lissa ever gave you and meet me in the quad sparky." I said,

"What are you-" he asked but I hung up on him before he could finish.

About ten minutes later he was in the quad with two regular trash bags of things she had given him.

"What are we doing." he asked after he finished gaping at my seven huge bags and a pile of wood.

"Having a bon fire" I said. "And purging, you don't have to if you don't want to but I am definitely getting rid of the reminders of that disaster we called a friendship." I said.

"And who is providing the fire?" he asked throwing his bags into the pile.

"Thought you'd never ask." I said.

"I didn't." he smiled at me.

"To bad" I said returning his smile. Suddenly every single bag went up in flames.

Part of me really hurt to let all of this go just like that, but I didn't want to forgive her and if by some chance I did then I didn't want to have these reminders here to sway my decision. Her feeling coursing through me would be hard enough to work around.

The fire had only been lit for a few minutes when someone brought out their stereo. It had actually turned into a bon fire. Much to my amusement Christian and I where dancing too. It seemed like hours before the guardians approached the fire.

"You would think with as huge as this thing is they would have noticed it sooner." I said swaying to the music.

"What is going on here?" Guardian petrov yelled. Putting an instant damper on the 'party' the music stopped and the kids began to scramble.

"Well we _were _having a bon fire" I said smiling up at her. My attention was torn away by the rack of guardians that where running up behind her. "Wow you guys are slow, had it actually been a threat we would have been dead already" I said.

"What is the meaning of this?" My mother's voice called. _Wow she had stuck around, I bet it wasn't for me though. _"Rose?" she said as she got closer. "Are you out of your mind?"

"Yes I really think that I am" I answered honestly. Who knew that the crazy people had so much fun?

"You could have endangered this moroi" Stan yelled getting in my face.

"Oh please, who do you think started the fire?" I laughed. Christian had joined the laughter as well.

"Just because you are dealing with something most teenagers have to deal with doesn't mean you have the right to do what ever the hell you please." Tasha yelled at Christian. _Ah so she is finally making her presence known?_

"Relax guys, I was just burning some trash, you know things that are extremely out dated." everyone looked at me with anger coursing through their eyes. "Fine if you don't want to join the party…then I guess we can put it out. Go ahead sparky" I said

I watched as he reigned in the fire until there where nothing but burnt bits in front of us. It was then that I noticed the sky was getting lighter. We had actually kept it going for a few hours. Where had the time gone?

"You two will go straight to your rooms, you will not stop and talk and tomorrow you will both be doing community service, cleaning up every bit of smut that is on this ground do you understand?" Alberta all but yelled at us.

"Yes ma'am" Christian said.

"Rose?" she asked.

"What it isn't like I have a choice now is it?" I said. Rolling my eyes.

She scowled. And I smiled. "I don't know what has gotten into you but you are acting as immaturely as a 15 year old."

"That sounds about right, fifteen when the dragomires died, when I suddenly became the only person to look after lissa when I took the blame for everything she did. Yep fifteen sounds about right." I said as I sniffed my hair. "Now if you'll excuse me I smell like a roasted marshmallow." I added before I walked away.

After I got out of the shower I stood in the mirror staring at myself for what seemed like hours. There was something off. I wasn't sure if it was everything that had happened or if I had always been that way but I suddenly didn't like what I saw staring back at me. Immediately I grabbed my cell phone and called my most frequent contact.

"Thank you for calling the fire user _hot _line how may I help you?" Christian answered.

"Very funny, look do you think you could get you hands on a bottle of peroxide?"

"Uh, I think they have some in the clinic why?"

"Oh you'll see, bring it with you tomorrow."

"Will do" was all he said.

"Thanks"

"Your welcome.

Goodness he had changed a lot, I never thought I would see the day where Christian did anything I wanted him to without question. Although I never thought I would see the day where he would admit that he like me but stranger things are known to happen.

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**Thanks for reading please review and tell me what you think; this was actually really hard for me to write only because how do you follow up the last chapter with out loosing the tone? Anyway if it is to bad then I will gladly replace the chapter later. Thanks **


	19. Falling so Fast

**Thanks for the reviews and support. Read and review please….**

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It was cold and bleak outside as I headed to the middle of the quad where our 'bon fire' was the night before. Who would have thought setting fire to a bunch of things would be so fun. I could understand now why sparky liked to make people and things spontaneously combust.

"If it isn't little miss badass" Christian said picking up a piece of burnt paper.

"Morning sparky." I said walking over to him. I hadn't noticed until I got closer to the pile of ash that we had two guardians with us. Alberta and Dimitri.

"You two are here to clean not chat." she said.

"We can't do both? Where is the irony, aren't we suppose to learn how to see without being seen and all that? Isn't that considered multitasking?" I asked smirking.

"Yes but you don't get to pick and choose which rules to follow." Dimitri said flatly.

"You would know" I said. Picking up one of those ugly orange vests and putting it on over my jacket.

"That is enough Rose" Alberta spoke. "You will not speak to Guardian belikov in that tone; do I make my self clear?"

"Why should I show him the respect he conveniently forgot to show me? He's acted like nothing but an asshole to me since he got back and I can't return the favor?"

"Rose" I heard Christian whisper. "Calm down. He's not worth it let's just clean this crap up so we can go."

Suddenly I had all eyes on me. I was guessing they wanted to see how I would act. Dimitri knew for a fact that I hated being told to calm down, and Alberta knew that I hated being bossed around, so I did what any petty girl would do, I listened out of spite. Christian could tell but he didn't seem to mind.

"Fine." I said

"Grab a bag and some gloves" Christian said with a huge smile of victory on his face, the other's just looked stunned. _Wow they act as if I never listen….._that thought made me laugh out loud, because everyone knew that I didn't. My laughter had also gained me the looks of all three of my on lookers.

I had been picking up trash that had flown over by the tree when all of a sudden I keeled over gasping for breath. I knew what was happening; I was being drug into lissa's head. I hadn't been there in a while and her feelings where starting to get stronger. I didn't blank out, I was still fully aware of my surroundings; Christian was by my side asking me if I was okay. I could even feel myself nod my head and say lissa's name. But I was also aware of lissa's surroundings. Her room, she was sitting in the middle of the floor with her photo book flipping through pictures of us. Next to her though she had a bottle of vodka no doubt from Adrian. Next to that where two small razor blades. One had blood streaking the stainless surface.

"Damn it" I yelled pushing myself off the ground and shooting towards her dorm. I could feel Christian and the guardians behind me but I didn't stop to tell them what was happening. "Son of a bitch." I mumbled still running.

Once I had reached her room I saw Eddie standing outside banging on the door.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"She told me that she needed to change and that I could wait in the hallway, when I did I heard her lock the door. I couldn't find any of the matrons and I have a feeling she is hurt I just…..I can't…I didn't do my job rose I didn't-"

"No time now just go see if you can find someone" I said pushing him back towards the stairs. "Hurry." I yelled. I had to get him away because he took this thing very seriously. He would have passed out if he knew what she was doing on the other side of this door.

Once he was out of site I began to kick at the door. It only took a few kicks before it flew open with a loud bang as it crashed against the wall. _Key is to kick near the handle._

I ran forward to her limp pale body on the floor. She was loosing a lot of blood. Part of me screamed that it didn't care. That she deserved to hurt but the other part said she was still a person and letting her die is the same as killing her. That part of me was the loudest.

Quickly I looked around for something to wrap her wrists in. but it wasn't just her wrists it was her thighs too. I looked at the slits and could tell that they weren't careful nor where they clean, she had been trying to do some serious damage. Or she was trying to get my attention. Both had worked.

"Help me get her to the clinic" I all but screamed. I was then surrounded by Alberta, Dimitri and Christian all trying to help me. Dimitri took the most of her so I just let go. Christian and I followed. The good thing was we weren't that far away from the clinic.

"Go get her a feeder" I said to Christian as we had gotten closer. Without a word he took off towards the commons. I couldn't stop myself from wondering how he felt about all of this. We shared the same morals to a certain extent so it must be hard for him. I smiled to myself when I thought about what he said last time I asked him if he was okay but then it dawned on me that he never really answered the question. _Now who's putting on a brave face?_

"What happened?" Dr. Olendzki asked as Dimitri put Lissa on the bed.

"She slit her wrists again, and her thighs too." I answered. "She lost a lot of blood. I didn't get pulled into her head until she had already done it. I was halfway across campus." I said out of breath.

Just as I finished Christian walked in with the feeder almost as out of breath as I was. The feeder was a male and I could tell that he hadn't had his fix today because although his skin was glowing and his eyes clear he looked agitated and anxious awaiting the endorphins he knew where coming. To think I had been like that once. Not quite as bad thank goodness but I had been addicted even if I didn't admit it to anyone else I knew it and I fixed it.

"Okay if you just wait in the waiting area I will let you know when you can come back in." she said ushering us out of the cramped room. Which was fine with me because I had already had more than my fair share of hospitals and clinics.

I stood frozen against the wall as everyone else piled into chairs and rested a bit. No one spoke, I took the time to assess the people in front of me. The feeder was bouncing his legs and shifting in his seat. I had to keep myself from going over to him and sitting on him to keep him still. It wasn't that I couldn't handle his shifting it was that it was so out of place here. My eyes flickered to Alberta who was sitting on the edge of her seat staring blankly ahead. I knew that look she was deep in thought, about what I would have given my left arm to know. And just like Alberta Dimitri sat on the edge of his seat deep in thought, only his was different. I could see the sorrow in his eyes. I couldn't help but think some of it was because of what he did to me but I immediately swept that thought away swearing myself out mentally as I did. Then I looked at Christian who was looking at me. If that's what you'd call it, he was borderline staring. Had this been any other circumstance I would have told him to close his mouth and stop drooling. But he was doing neither. Just looking. He met my eyes and I was instantly captured by his bright blue ones. Right now they had a mixture of pain worry loyalty and even though he was trying his hardest to hide it, lust was extremely evident. I hoped that my eyes hadn't betrayed me as his did him. Because if they had he would see his emotions mirrored in mine.

I hadn't actually known how long we had held each other's gaze but I became aware that this small but meaningful show of affection had gained an audience. I suddenly felt like the crushed out school girl who wouldn't hang up the phone until the boy did. I didn't want to look away. I could have stayed lost in his eyes forever and it would still not be long enough. I saw a sad smile play across his lips as if he had been thinking the exact same thing. I guess that was his signal because with that and a great show of effort he pulled his eyes away from me. I knew I had about two seconds to do the same or we would have started staring at each other again. Reluctantly I copied his actions and stared at the floor.

"Okay so we managed to stop the bleeding, she is going to be out for a while so I would advise that you go on with your day. And Michael if you'll come with me." Dr Olendzki said addressing all of us in one sentence.

I watched as the feeder followed with a grin on his face that reached from ear to ear. I was still frozen when the guardians got up and began walking. Christian was following. He must have realized that I hadn't moved because he came to me, and looped his hand in mine. That one touch thawed me out enough to walk again. He squeezed my hand reassuringly and I squeezed back. This time when we felt the other's eyes on us we didn't break apart. We didn't feel the need to anymore. So we both looked straight ahead and walked with our fingers interlocked. It felt as natural as breathing and right. It was dangerous to open my heart so soon after having pieces torn away, but him holding my hand told me he would stop at nothing to find those pieces and put me back together again. Which is why I was already falling for him and he knew it.

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**Thanks for reading. This was just something that came to my head seeing as rose would have to face lissa sooner or later and this seemed like the best way considering it was because of rose she stopped cutting in the first place. and just to clear things up eddie was there the whole time in the clinic she just didn't get a chance to look at him. Lol. Please review.**


	20. Natural

**thanks for the reviews and support i hope you enjoy. Unfortunatly i don't know when i will be able to post again because we are getting a huge snow storm. please let me know what you think. (i get the reviews sent to my phone) **

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It was a little hard to go on with our day because of Lissa. As much as I didn't want her to be she was on my mind. We had been told to return to cleaning up our mess but the guardians went to discuss business as usual.

"What do you say I just incinerate this stuff and we go eat?" Christian asked. Squatting next to me. I hadn't even noticed it was just my little pile left until I looked around.

"You cheated" I said forcing a smile.

"Yeah well I'm hungry." he said.

"Do your thing sparky I'm getting kind of hungry too." I said standing up and watching the small pile of trash burn to nothing. As if it hadn't even been there to begin with. "You don't mind if I skip out on going with you to the feeders because I think I have seen enough blood today?" I asked.

"No problem I'll meet you back in the commons after I'm done." He said grabbing my hand. It amused me to watch his facial expressions go through a series of excitement when I didn't pull away. Ever since we left the clinic he was finding different reasons to touch my hands or my arms. He never went for my face or for any other intimate part. It was funny that he thought he was the one winning. He was the moroi, a royal one at that so if anyone was winning it was me. But it helped to know he felt the same about me.

"I won't pull away anymore" I said absent mindedly. I hadn't actually meant to speak this thought out loud but the look he gave me made me glad I did. He looked flustered and sexy but also caring; I could tell he wanted to do more than just hold my hand. It was back wards sure because we had already had our first kiss but we hadn't been together. This was different because we had no real reason not to, nothing to condemn us later. Earlier we had both been dating someone else and knew nothing would or could happen now we where single and there would be no fixing things if we messed up. "Is it worth the risk?" I asked again not meaning to speak out loud. But his thoughts echoed mine as he answered.

"I think it is, I know it might seem like we are rebounding but I think it's more than that." he said stepping closer to me.

"I feel the same but you have to understand why I am afraid to let anyone else in."

"You already let me in Rose" he whispered as his lips touched mine.

That kiss picked up where our first one left off; full of love but the innocence was gone. There was nothing innocent about our intentions. He wanted me and I wanted him. It was just a matter of timing. His hand had snaked its way up under the back of my shirt not lifting it but making me shiver as our skin touched. The other one entangled itself in my hair. His tongue begged for entrance and I pardoned it. I could feel the heat emanating off of him. This was how it was suppose to be all along. He was supposed to be with me comforting and touching me as I should have always been with him. I knew I was wrong about Dimitri being my soul mate because when we kissed I never actually felt the fire or sense of belonging. I mean I did in a physical sense but how far would that have really gone? I could never actually see me with him growing old together because we could have never actually been together but I could actually see myself with Christian from this moment until the end of time causing havoc and killing strigoi together. But being mortal we had to breath at some point.

"I think maybe we should go and eat, you seem a little light headed." he smirked as I swayed into him. This is one of the things I love about him. Neither of us has to be extremely serious. This little comment would have killed the moment with anyone else but with us, it was natural.

"And you're so sure that's the reason?" I asked returning his smile.

"Well either that or I am a really good kisser" he said.

"Let's go eat." I said smiling wider as I took off running.

"Hey aren't you going to tell me which one it is?" he yelled after me.

"You will never know Ozera" I called back before I went inside the commons.

I was sitting in the corner beside the dinner bar eating my food when I smelled the feint smell of cloves. It took me a minute to register where it was coming from until I saw Adrian approaching. It had been a while since I had seen him with a cigarette so I had almost forgotten the smell that was just as unwelcome as he was.

"What do you want Adrian?" I asked as I put a forkful of spaghetti in my mouth.

"To apologize, what I did was wrong and I am so sorry." he said. "I swear I would take it back if I could."

"But you can't Adrian unless you really are one hell of a spirit user, and do you mind putting that out it stinks." I said.

He did as he was told and put the cigarette out and slid into the booth opposite me.

"look I get why your mad, I get it, I would be too, hell I was mad because he said that he loved you" I was assuming the _he_ that he was referring to was christian.

"Yeah and I don't blame you for getting upset, but look what you did to lissa in the process." I said. "if you would have done it because you where in love with her then yes I would have reacted the same way but she would have someone to lean on, right now she is in the clinic with bandages around her wrists."

"No she did it to herself and you abandoned her." he said his voice getting louder.

"No you helped with that, I am not saying that things will ever be the same between us but the truth is I still care what happens to her. Our relationship will have to be worked on and if it can great but I need time to myself to figure this out." I said matching his tone.

"What about us?" he asked bringing his voice down to a whisper.

"We are over Adrian, how you could just use someone who used to be like my sister to hurt me and then not even care about her was wrong, and what kind of a fool would I be taking you back. She is a royal moroi and you just dumped her like trash, according to everyone else including your aunt I am trash so I could only imagine what you would do to me once you had you fill." I said.

"So that's it, we can't even be friends?"

"Sure we can be friends when hell freezes over and I'm queen." I said. Looking over his shoulder at a very angry looking Christian. "Now if you'll excuse yourself my boyfriend is still a little pissed at you. And I'm trying to eat"

"I won't stop trying to get you back." he said as he stood up to leave.

"Then I'll make sure I never give her up" Christian said. This caused Adrian to jerk around and look him in the eyes. "Now I believe she told you to leave"

It was scary how much authority Christian could hold in his voice when he wanted to. It was also kind of sexy. But since we where both big on ego trips I wouldn't be telling him this anytime soon.

I watched as Adrian walked away re lighting his cancer stick. _Good riddance._

"Your boyfriend huh?" he asked smiling.

"well you know I had to say something, and I don't think 'my friend' would have had the same affect." I said returning his smile.

"smells good, I can not wait until I can go back to class, I mean spending the day with you was um fun and eventful but I don't think that picking up burnt stuffed animals a pictures is really how I _want_ to spend time with you" he said changing the subject.

"it is good, and I can't wait until I get to start the field experience, and spending the day with you was fun and eventful but your right we could have been doing better things" I said responding in sequence to his comments.

"Like?"

"You could have been helping bleach my hair" I said smiling, I knew he was waiting for something different but I think that's why he started laughing so hard.

"Oh so that's what you wanted the peroxide for? I don't know rose you are beautiful like you are" he said once his laughing stopped.

"Thanks but I need change, and I am definitely not cutting it, how about we just do the back, you know part it and do the bottom half blonde and leave the top half black." I said.

"If that's what you want, but if it looks terrible, I don't think I could be seen with you I do have a rep to uphold." he laughed.

"So don't mess up"

"Wait you want me to do it?"

"well yeah, I saw the picture of you at Tasha's house, you had funky little blonde stripes in your hair." I said smiling.

"Lissa?" he asked.

"Yup, come on I thought it was um…cute, anyway will you help me or not, because I really don't know what I'm doing."

"Fine as long as we don't talk about the year I looked like a damn skunk."

"I promise." I said. I was now laughing out loud. It was too funny, the picture I had seen had been when he was being home schooled by Tasha he was sitting on the couch with his black pj bottoms on and a black wife beater, I guess he was looking at TV but he looked like the epitome of a gothic/emo comic book hero. It was hilarious.

"Good, give me a bite" he said stealing my fork. I didn't mind because I was pretty full anyway.

"Your right this is good, but I swear I can make it better." he said. He had decided to take all the brainless classes this semester and taking the college courses for last semester. Among the brainless ones he took culinary arts, the art of filming and my personal favorite ballroom dance. I Laughed when he told me his schedule because Christian hated going to all of those formal things but was learning how to ballroom dance, that's classic.

"Yeah I bet you could. I can't wait until they give me the okay to participate again." I said. "Two weeks worth of book work is heinous."

"I bet. Every body worth guarding has been taken though." he said with a smile.

"Well the way I see it, you're currently the only one worth guarding."

"Hmmm, I don't know I mean what royal in their right mind would want you as a guardian?"

"The same one that just kissed me and it's a good thing you're not in your right mind either."

"I will ask Alberta. Speaking of, what are we going to do about Lissa?" he asked. His mood changed with the subject.

"I don't know, like I told Adrian, we have some major issues to work through but we both need to focus on our selves before we try again other wise we could have another disaster on our hands."

"True, but don't you think that goes for dating as well?" he asked his mood sinking further.

"no I think that dating someone that actually wants to help me is exactly what I need. But I'm not completely writing lissa off yet, I mean we have been friends since preschool I guess I'll know where she stands tomorrow." I said trying to bring his mood up.

"as if it isn't obvious." he mumbled.

"huh?" I asked making sure I heard him right.

" oh nothing" he said perking up a bit. "but uh remind me not to piss you off because I swear you get really nasty when you're mad at someone."

"Yes, well, take it or leave it" I smiled.

"I'll take it."

"That was rhetorical" I said flicking some sauce at him

"it also wasn't a question" he said wiping it off his cheek "now when exactly are we dying your hair?"

"Tonight, that is if you have nothing better to do."

"Nope I'm free, my place or yours?" he asked wagging his eyebrows.

"Ha, you sounded like Adrian, that's funny."

"Good to know I remind you of your ex."

"Awe sparky don't be mad, you know as well as I do that Ivashkov has nothing on you, but don't let that go to your head."

"To late" he said standing up and offering his hand with a huge grin on his face.

"What a gentleman" I joked.

"Gentleman implies that I am actually nice" he said playfully dropping my hand.

"You are nice but you are also a dork" I said grabbing his again and interlocking our fingers.

I let him lead us back to his dorm so that he could do my hair. I was quiet as we walked thinking of my coming talk with Lissa. Everyone was everyone was right about our relationship for different reasons but by the way christian reacted to just the mention of her name I could tell I wasn't the only one that needed closure.

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**the next chapter mite be a lissa pov, just to appease those who want to know why she cut herself. thanks for the support. Read and review please.**


	21. Does Anybody Miss Me

**So this is Lissa's POV. It is actually Kind of depressing which is why it took me forever to write. (I have been writing this since I posted My Give A Damn's Busted) please tell me what you think, getting into lissa's thoughts are a lot harder than I thought and I actually pity rose for having to feel what she does. Lol, so Enjoy.**

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I watched as the pile of bags went up into flames. I was sure that wasn't everything that I had ever given her, but it still hurt seeing her end our friendship like this. _Block her out, block her out._

I chanted in my head as I watched as people gathered around and began to sway with one another to the sound of music.

What hurt the most was that rose and Christian where dancing together as if they belonged that way. Christian is a good guy but he was mine and she stole him from me. Had he actually already forgotten about me? Those where the only thoughts that I could comprehend at the moment although I knew that I had been one of the reasons they where together now.

A few hours passed and curfew had come and gone. I could still see the fire raging in the middle of the quad as I watched from the window. I was relieved when I saw guardians surround them putting an end to the bon fire. But even that didn't help me sleep. Eddie was lying on my floor sleeping soundlessly. I envied him almost as much as I envied Rose's ability to just move on without a second thought. It hadn't surprised me much because that's just who she was, she hated being out of control of anything, emotions included. I had known that Christian was attracted to her before all of this I could tell being together in Spokane brought them a lot closer, but I didn't want to see it. I pretended to be blind for my own benefit. But it was something I could handle. When he told me he was in love with her it was more than I could handle. When you see Rose if nothing else you see a strong woman that doesn't let anyone stand in her way but when you see me you see the weak frail little Dragomire princess that always needs to be protected add that to the fact that My boyfriend is in love with her despite he best efforts to down play the attraction and you have a lapse of judgment on my part.

….next morning….

I sat beside Eddie in my booth, hoping that when rose came downstairs this morning she would talk to me. Look at me or something; I couldn't stand her ignoring me. But I had gotten down stairs to late. Eddie said he had seen her meet up with Christian in the quad.

"You know I think that she will come around." Eddie said reassuringly to me. I could tell that he wasn't really as sure as he sounded but I gave him a forced smile.

"I know you believe that but I don't think that she will, she hasn't spoken to me at all. Like we're strangers. But to an extent we are because up until the other night everything I knew about her was all a show to protect me." I said but there was still that hope in my mind that Eddie was right.

"Well obviously there are a lot of things that you two don't really know about each other. But I am sure when it comes down to it rose will realize how much you mean to her. But you have to give her time it hasn't really been that long and in her defense that was a huge blow to take." Eddie said. As much as I wanted to start cussing and throwing things telling him he had no idea what the hell he was talking about I knew that he did and that would push him away too.

"I just want my friend back I will do anything" I mumbled to myself letting a tear escape from my eye.

"Come on your going to be late I think that truancy is the last thing you need to worry about." he said in attempt to change the subject. It had worked and I quietly began to walk towards my next class with my mind still on my friend.

I was hyper aware that Eddie was maneuvering himself around my awkward strides. At times I was walking really fast and other times I was barely moving but he kept up easing in to the pace even more gracefully than I had. I had to hand it to him he was a good guardian but he wasn't Rose. He did this the entire morning, when time came to eat lunch we had both made the mistake of walking through the quad and what I saw was Rose and christian playfully throwing little bits of burnt fluff at each other both looking as if they where having fun. That little image was all it took for me to snap again. I broke out into a sprint towards the guess housing. I was sure Adrian had something to ease my sorrow. If I had to be surrounded by their happiness then I was going to be as numb as possible.

"What do you want?" he asked cracking his door.

"I just want to talk and drink if possible." I said stepping closer to the door. He stood and stared at me for a moment then closed the door. I stood so confused by his action that I hadn't noticed that he had come back to the door with a bottle of vodka.

"I don't want to talk to you Lissa, last time we 'talked' it cost me my girlfriend. But you can take this and drown in It." he said thrusting the bottle at me.

"Wait so you're saying that the other night meant nothing, not even the slightest bit of anything?" I asked to stunned to be angry at the fact that he had really only used me.

"Nothing, why did it mean something to you?" he asked scrunching his eyebrows. "Had Rose not been pulled into your head she would have never heard it from me Lissa, I was upset and I needed it I thought it was clear nothing else would come from It." he said not waiting for my answer.

"You used me, you made me betray my best friend and now you want nothing to do with me. How could I let this happen, I am so stupid, Rose wouldn't sleep with you and you took advantage of the fact that I would." I said on the point of hysterics. A few people passed and glanced in our direction. Adrian looked around to see if anyone else was watching before he spoke again.

"You did that yourself, last I checked you didn't need much convincing to have sex with me. You didn't stop me nor did you regret how far we went, you went right to see Rose after it happened like someone without a conscious. We screwed up but don't put all the blame on Me." he said in almost a whisper.

"You didn't try to stop me you knew I wasn't thinking clearly." I said still in hysterics. He mite as well have slapped me in the face but what he said next shut me down completely.

"You sounded pretty level headed when you where screaming _my_ name, not Christian's but mine. Now either take the damn vodka or give it back but _we_ are through" he said in a dangerously low voice.

I took the heavy bottle and shoved it in my book bag not even able to make my mind work again. Somehow though my feet began to move towards my dorm. I knew that I still had a whole day left but I needed to loose myself for a while. I don't think Eddie minded because he didn't protest when I made it to my dorm. I wanted to cry, to scream to yell, and do any other thing I could to make the pain go away.

"I need to take a shower" I said to Eddie.

"But I, um…" he said I could tell he didn't want to leave me alone in my room by myself. So I forced a sad smile to my face and reassured him that I would be fine.

Following him to the door I opened it and ushered him to the hallway. "My window is locked tight and you will be by the door so I will be fine I promise" I said again before I shut the door and immediately locked it afterwards. I heard him jiggle the handle and I shouted a few reassurances as I took my shirt and pants off.

Standing in the middle of my floor I thought about how empty I was at this moment and how much pain I couldn't express. I took the bottle of alcohol out of my bag and cracked the lid taking a huge gulp of it. It burned going down and I longed for that burn. It was my release. Before I knew it I had half of the bottle downed and was feeling very disoriented. Even through the haze though I could remember why I was drinking. He didn't give me enough. Was my immediate thought. I had gotten use to the burn as was now drinking it like water but it wasn't doing what I needed it to.

"Lissa are you alright?" Eddie called.

"Uh huh" I said rummaging through my closet for my purse and an old photo album.

When I had found them I returned to the middle of the floor and began to look thought the pages. I had to drink until the pictures didn't hurt me. Until I was the girl in those pictures again with my best friend. She had abandoned me. Adrian had abandoned me what did I have left besides my memories of what used to be? Opening my purse I pulled out two small blades. They where both clean and glistening in the light.

"If she wants to forget me then I will help her" I whispered aloud as I made a jagged mark across my right thigh and then my left. I watched as the blood began to drain from me. It was to slow and it didn't produce the pain I had wanted it to. Picking up the bottle of vodka and swallowing what remained I decided that everyone's life would be better without me. I picked the razor up before I could change my mind and gladly made a deep jagged line from my hand down to the middle of my forearm on my left wrist hitting every vein I could. There was pain but it felt good to let it take my attention it was still to slow despite all the blood now pooled around me. I heard Eddie banging on the door but I didn't care to answer anymore. I didn't care about anything anymore I began to repeat the process on my right wrist and was instantly light headed. I laid the blade back down beside the empty bottle and curled up on my floor letting the blood pool up around me. There was no getting around this, if she didn't come for me then she really didn't care and I wouldn't be missed. It seemed like forever had passed as I lay there letting my life leak on the floor I was now sure that she hadn't cared. What a way to die. I thought as I closed my eyes and let the drunken darkness take me.

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**Thanks for Reading please review. Srry to all of the Lissa fans out there, I had to do it. I mean how would you react if you threw everything away for a mistake? Oh and BTW we have 38 Inches of snow I am officially snowed in. meaning more updates (unless more power lines fall ****:( )**


	22. Change Of Plans

**Warning things get a little heavy in this chapter. Which is all in christian's Pov. Sorry it took so long to update and thanks to the people that reviewed. This is not as long as the first version of this chapter but it will be the last christian Pov for a while. Enjoy.**

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I led her up to my room quietly trying to find the nerve to tell her that dying her hair was the last thing on my mind. I really didn't want to push her into anything but I couldn't help it. We both needed it more than anyone else. We both wanted it. I looked back at her and smiled at her in an almost awed expression.

"What?" she asked as we stopped in front of my door.

"Nothing you're just quiet." I lied. Had she known that I was fighting myself from undressing her with my eyes she probably would have punched me and ran away.

"Well you're not really chatty either" she said as her smile got bigger.

I didn't respond as I pushed my door open and ushered her through it. She hadn't seen my room before but it was your typical Goth scene as I'm sure she would have called it.

"Wow" she said smiling at a picture hanging in the middle of the biggest wall.

"Those are my parents" I said a tiny spark of sadness washed over me. I didn't remember much about them anymore but despite people saying I was too little, I remember every detail about the attack.

"Wow, wait did you paint this?" she asked as I saw her examine my initials mixed in with my mother's eyes. You wouldn't have noticed it if you weren't looking for it. Lissa had been in here and looked at that picture a lot but never knew that I had been the one that did it. She never even asked. Rose on the other hand spotted it instantly. She took my silence as a yes and spoke again. "You are so full of talent Ozera, and no one knows it."

"You know it" I said without thinking. I was now transfixed by the painting as well.

"Yes well I expect 10 percent of everything you make since I discovered you" she joked.

"Rose, I rarely paint anymore it was just that the actual photo got burned in the fight the night they came for me." I said.

"So…you did this from memory?" she asked.

"Yeah, it's kind of hard to forget your parents even though I was little." I said sitting on my bed.

"Your mother was beautiful, and your father looked strong." she said sitting beside me.

"Thank you, and he was strong, funny thing is both he and mom where air users, I inherited the fire from Aunt Tasha" I said and immediately saw her grimace at the sound of my aunts name. "You really don't like her do you?"

She didn't answer instead she unexpectedly pulled me closer to her and looked me in my eyes. We where quiet for a while just staring at each other. When she had broken the silence it was so reassure me.

"It doesn't matter whether I like her or not, I'm happy right now and I have you to thank for that, you didn't have to do anything you have already done for Me." she said. Her breathe warm on my lips. I wanted to close the distance but I let her lead. "Why do you love me Christian?" she asked.

It took me a while to catch my breath before I could answer. When I did my voice betrayed me by being extremely low and husky. "I am in love with you because we are the same, both of us have needs. We hated each other at first because of lissa and go figure she would be the one to bring us together. I want you to be happy and if at all possible I want you to be happy with me. I want to be the one you argue with, the one you dream about, and I want my name to be the name you scream when you're at the height of ecstasy." I could hear her breathe getting heavier. I loved having this affect on her but she had the same affect on me and I was beyond denying it.

"Only you could have broken my resolve to never fall in love again." she said with a smile. It made my heart jump to know that she loved me too although she hadn't made the attempt to say those three little words.

I couldn't help it anymore I let my lips rest on hers waiting for approval. I wasn't waiting long when her lips pressed themselves closer to mine. He hands where on the back of my neck pulling me closer to her. I was so caught up in her that I wasn't aware that I had pulled her on my lap. She didn't protest as my hands started to roam her body tracing her waist and the outline of her bra. I almost went completely wild when she moaned into my mouth, "Christian, I want this" she said letting me roll us over so that I was now on top.

"Are you sure?" I asked, I didn't want her to regret it in the morning and I certainly didn't want her to hate me for not stopping to ask her.

She simply nodded in answer and I began to remove the only things keeping our bodies apart. I kissed every piece of exposed skin working my way to her thighs. I kissed each one before I took the hem of her underwear and gently slid them down inhaling the smell of her arousal.

I had her completely naked on my bed and she was beautiful. I took a moment to admire her standing up to remove my clothes. She started to writhe and moan loudly trying and failing to pull me back to her. I fought to repress a chuckle.

"Come back" she finally said. It had been a while since we had spoken and the sound of her angelic voice startled me from my admiration of her body.

"Tell me." I said kissing her body again carefully trying to savor each and every flavor it had to offer. I would come back to her lips after every kiss and eagerly decide what I would taste next avoiding her most sensitive areas I wanted to save them for last.

"What" she barely whispered pushing my hand in between her legs. I wasn't giving in easily though I needed to hear her tell me she loved me before I claimed her.

"Tell me how you feel rose; I won't go any further until you tell me our feelings are the same." I said taking a little pleasure out of the fact that she was purring and whining. The sound made me gasp but I held my ground.

"I love you" she wined. Grinding her hungry body into the hand that was hovering over her eager center. "Please?" she whined again.

"Louder Rose" I said kissing her neck as rubbed my hand on her gently, barely touching her.

"You're…teasing…."

"I want to hear it Rose" I said again applying more pressure to her. She arched her back in pleasure so I stopped. I needed to hear it.

"I…love you Christian Ozera, please stop torturing Me." she said.

I complied gladly slipping myself between her legs. Kissing and sucking on her neck along the way. I had gotten the condom on as was about to enter her when she froze, both realization and horror mirrored in her eyes. It felt like a punch in the stomach when she pushed me off of her.

"No no no no….." she said repeating herself for about a minute while putting her clothes back on.

"What did I do Rose?" I asked but all she could do was look at me and I swear she was about to start crying. "Rose what's wrong, I am sorry if I pushed things to far."

"I'm not ready" was all she said. Not ready? Had she not done this before?

"Rose are you a.… have you…" was all I managed before she answered the question that I couldn't form.

"I haven't don't this before, I am sorry I thought I was ready. I have to go" she said tear leaking out of her eyes now.

I had pulled my boxers back on and made it to the door before she had and grabbed her into a hug.

"Rose that's nothing to be worried about, I didn't know I would have stopped earlier. I swear I didn't mean to scare you."

"You didn't I just, I love you but I'm not ready." she said sobbing into my chest.

"It's okay, don't cry." I said hugging her tight and kissing her forehead.

"You're mad aren't you?" She said wiping tears away and staring into my face.

"Leave it to you to be worried about me when you're the one who needs reassurance." I said smiling back at her. She didn't answer apparently waiting for me to answer her question. "I am, a little but not for the reason you think"

"What do you mean?" she said letting me go.

"I am mad at myself for automatically thinking you where…um…experienced. I heard so much about you and I didn't want to believe it but I guess I did, and when you where with ivashkov, I don't know I am really sorry." I said.

"It's okay, I really shouldn't have led you on like that though" she said.

"Nothing a very cold shower can't fix." I joked.

We both stood silent for a while. I stared at her as she stared over towards the bed looking at the rumpled covers. I knew the look in her eyes was telling me "_another time"_. But the unshed tears that still lingered where proof that she blamed her self for letting things get this far.

"Well I guess my hair is staying brown?" she asked changing the subject. I watched as she played with a strand of gorgeous brown hair. At that moment I wanted nothing more than to replace her hands with mine.

"I like you better as a brunette, but that's just my opinion I can still help you if you want." I said with a wry smile.

"No I like my hair the way it is I just thought maybe it would be fun to change it that's all."

"Hmm so this was just a trick to get in my room?" I asked smiling again.

"Yeah, that was my plan all along Christian aren't I just the biggest tease?" she said returning the smile. I noticed as her eyes on me as she answered. "and unless you are expecting to walk around like that all night I think you better go take a shower…or something" she said winking at me as she grabbed my ipod off my desk and began to scroll through the music.

"You won't be gone when I come out will you?" I asked.

"Not unless you want me to be. But it is past curfew so I guess I'm crashing" she said taking an ear bud out.

I closed the bathroom door and smiled from ear to ear. She wasn't running from me, she told me she loved me, and we managed to get closer without going all the way. A true sign of self control on both our parts if I say so myself. I couldn't help but think that rain was going to fall on this parade of ours pretty soon. That made me grimace, she had been through enough already I just wanted her to be happy. So immediately pushed the thought of rain clouds from my head and stepped into my shower letting the cold water run all over me as I closed my eyes and replayed the night with a different ending.

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**Originally this was going to be a lemon, but I wasn't really feeling it yet. Those take courage to right with out turning them into your own personal fantasies. Lol. But now that we know where they stand I think it's time to see what becomes of what's left of Lissa and Rose's relationship. Oh and I am sorry about that extremely depressing chapter before this one. But one has to wonder why she turned to cutting. Thanks for reading please review.**


	23. Reconcile

**Thanks for the reviews of the last chapter, I am glad that they slowed down I swear I might have been the worse fanfic writer in history if I had let tat happen so soon. But thanks for the feedback.**

**Okay so this isn't my favorite chapter, I think I might be coming across writer's block so please tell me what you think. **

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I was awoken the next morning by the sound of the shower running. Christian must be up. I thought stretching out on the sofa a little more. I had figured staying the night was harmless but we had both agreed that staying in his bed could lead to more problems than we were ready for so I opted for the couch. He offered me the bed but honestly, I don't trust my self in anyone else's bed anymore. They where like curses to me every time I sat on one I ended up naked with its owner; unless of course the owner was a female. It was like they where their own lust charm.

My current epiphany made me a little self conscious. Despite the rumors, this didn't happen everyday and I certainly had never stayed in the room afterwards. I began to look at what I was wearing to make sure everything was still in place. I knew Christian wasn't that type of guy but who knows about me these days.

"Is everything in working order" Christian said laughing at me in the process.

"Yeah, I think" I responded making no effort to hide the fact that I was checking to make sure I was still fully dressed.

"Good now hurry up, I am hungry" he said still laughing.

"Any hot water left?"

"Yeah But you don't have any clothes here."

"Well if I go back to my room it will take me longer. Just let me borrow something I'll give it back I promise." I said.

"Fine sweats or jeans?" he asked shuffling through his closet.

"Sweats, I actually want to be comfortably today." I said. "And a t-shirt"

"What are you going to do today?" he asked. I hadn't told him that I was going to talk to lissa this morning but part of me didn't really want to.

"I'm going to see lissa" I sort of mumbled. He heard me anyway and his face got cold. "Awe come on Christian, I know your pissed I still am too but she is like my sister we have to do something and besides I need to know why she cut herself."

"Well have fun but I am not going with you, I don't owe her anything." he snapped as he threw the clothes on the bed.

I wasn't in the mood for another argument least of all with him; therefore I gave him a small nod and walked into the bathroom. Stepping into the shower I accepted the fact that this was going to be hard but I needed to focus on me and regrettably that meant dealing with lissa and Christian's attitudes or more importantly Christian's attitude toward Lissa.

……….........a few hours later………………

"Is she awake yet?" I asked the nurse at the front desk.

"Yes, but maybe you should talk to her after she is well." the nurse said. That's when I recognized her as one of the nurses that watched me explode Saturday night.

"I promise I will be on my best behavior I just need to talk to her, you can stay in the room if you'd like." I said hoping that would convince her to let me in because if I got turned away today there would be no telling when I would be able to come back. It took me the few hours that Christian was in class to finally make up my mind about coming here in the first place.

"Fine but if you agitate her I will have to remove you" she said sternly. I had no doubt in my mind that if I had to I could take her but I was hoping it wouldn't even get close to that.

She began to walk down the narrow hallways with me in tow until she stopped at room 29. It has often occurred to me that the clinic is as big if not bigger than normal hospitals. But moroi and dhampir almost never get sick. When I asked someone about it they said it was for the injured guardians. But with wards why would they be injured here? It was a pointless conversation at the time but it still crossed my mind when coming or leaving this place.

Pushing open the door and ushering me in I saw lissa laying on her bed staring at the TV. I could tell that she wasn't really watching it. But it seemed to have the other nurses fooled. She looked up at the nurses entrance and then back to her TV. She did a double take when she saw me file in behind her.

"Rose" she whispered. I could feel through the bond her shock and surprise at seeing me and then her pain and guilt for why she thought I was here.

"Lissa I felt that I needed to talk to you before either one of us did something else completely stupid." I said trying and failing to keep both the concern and accusation from my voice.

Lissa had picked up on it and instantly and shot a glance to her bandaged wrists. I then felt the hurt through the bond but took note that her feelings weren't as overpowering as they where the other day. Either they had just given her some medicine or it was beginning to ware off.

"Okay" she said obviously wanting me to continue.

I stayed quiet for a minute trying to find the right words and figure out how to say them. I looked at her face and she looked on the verge of tears.

"Why are you crying?" I asked instead.

"I don't know I have been doing that a lot lately." she said. I could tell that she was being honest and I suddenly got a guilty feeling.

"Listen, to be honest with you, I did come her to ask you why you felt you had to do that to get my attention" I said pointing at her wrists. "It was stupid but I am sure you already know that."

"Yes" she said a tear leaking out of the corner of her eye.

"Then on to the actual problem. I am still mad at you for what you did, and I will admit I overreacted a bit. But could you blame me? I mean I counted on you and you let me down."

I said sitting in the chair next to her bed. She had long since sat up and was now staring at me trying to find her words.

"I was mad." she said after what seemed like ten minutes of thought. "I was jealous that you could get everyone. Dimitri, Adrian, and Christian All three of them where fighting over you. I don't know why I had gotten so jealous I didn't plan on sleeping with Adrian I really did just want to talk. He was mad too and I thought talking would help but when he replayed the events of that day over again the jealousy took over and I suddenly wanted to make him hurt, and to show you that you couldn't have everyone." she said as her tears turned to full sobs. "I regretted it the moment I did it; I had thought that they would have given you enough drugs that you wouldn't be pulled into my head. I was going to tell you just not like that."

"okay so you wanted to teach us both a lesson, I get that, hell I have done that but why in hell wouldn't you tell me about Christian, I mean don't you think it was something that I should have know before you went and slept with my boyfriend. Yes I kissed Christian but that was all it was, it was innocent at the time. That was when I found out that he liked me. Had I known before I probably would have come to you about it so we could get all this figured out. The only one that I really _wanted_ out of those three was Dimitri." I said making sure to keep my voice level.

"I know that now am I am really sorry but why did you get so upset over me and Adrian?" she asked.

"Because whether I liked him or not like you are like a sister to me, and family doesn't do that to each other. Ivashkov isn't someone I want to argue over, I was just filled with so many emotions after seeing Dimitri and Christian proclaiming his love it was just too much." I said staring ahead looking at nothing.

"Are?"

"Huh?" I asked startled out of my trance.

"Well you said _are_ instead of _were_."

"Yes, you still are I just needed time to figure things out, we have a lot of work to do but I am sure we could do it." I said.

I could almost feel the joy emanating off of her. It felt like she was healing, it was ironic because we where, just nothing physical. I couldn't help but feel elated at the rays of sunshine and the taste of the rainbows in my mouth.

"You don't know how happy I am" she said leaping off the bed and hugging me.

"I think I do actually" I answered hugging her back. "But from now on we have to be totally honest with each other, keeping things from each other doesn't work."

"Of course, of course, I promise I can do that. Just promise the same thing."

"Of course lissa" I said as she went back to her bed. I was going to follow but I suddenly had thoughts about me and beds although this was lissa and neither of us where into each other that way I decided to stay firmly in my chair. With the way our emotions where all over the place at the moment I wouldn't have been surprise if something extreme happened.

"Your wearing Christian's clothes?" she asked a sad smile on her face. I had never seen her wear his clothes but I knew this must have still been a low blow.

"I…um, Lissa I think that I like him to. I mean I know I like him I know you still care for him I just…" I said unsure of how to continue.

"I know, I mean I've known, he cheered you up after what I did to you, to both of you, I should be thanking him for that it just hurts to know he moved on so quickly. He felt bad for hurting my feelings but I went and hurt his." she said staring at me. "Does he know you like him?" she asked.

"Yes, we sorted all of that out before I came here. He is still mad, I wanted him to come with me but he got mad at the mention of your name, he hasn't known you as along as I have. So he doesn't know that you really are sorry. He doesn't want to right now."

"You spent the night with him?"

"He was suppose to be helping me bleach my hair but it didn't work that way and I ended up missing curfew and crashed on his couch." I said sparing her the actual details. I know that I had just promised not to keep things from her but I was as blunt as possible without rubbing it in her face.

"Oh."

"Nothing happened Liss, but speaking of, before you uh…blacked out yesterday I felt your feelings."

"Yeah, Adrian used me, I mean I used him to but I had planned on still having him for a friend. He wouldn't even talk to me, he told me to drown in the vodka, I wanted to but I needed someone to comfort me, I thought about Eddie but it wouldn't have been fair to him, he would have read to much into it and I would have hurt him so I locked him out."

"Adrian is an asshole Lissa something that until now you haven't seen, I gave him the benefit of the doubt but I wasn't the slightest bit surprised that he cheated on me. I am sorry you had to find out that way."

"It's okay, but now I guess I will never know how to dream walk." she said with a slight smile.

"We'll manage just like we had before all these guys came into our lives."

"Well I guess it's us against the world now kids" she said imitating Andre's voice as a tear slid down her cheek. That was what he said to us when ever we would get in trouble for doing stupid things. We have been deserving of that since we had run away two years ago. It brought a tear to my eye just thinking about him. Neither of us had thought of Andre since the beginning of the year and even then it was all negative. He did what he had to for the Dragomire name but he cared about his family. He used to get me out of a lot of things and he was always so sure that I would be the best guardian ever. Man I missed him right now, we wouldn't have needed to make up because Andre wouldn't have let us fight, he would have played middle man until we understood each other.

With this in mind I got up and walked to lissa pulling her into a hug. I was happy that we where talking again, I had missed her even though it was only a few days, it was still precious time that we had lost together.

"I have to go to Dr. Olendzki made me promise to talk to a counselor once a week." I said making a face. "I guess I'll see you later?"

"Okay. Thank you Rose, I know I must have told you I was sorry a thousand times but I really mean it."

"I know, and I am sorry too, one day we will look past this and realized how crazy we acted." I said.

"I hope that day comes soon" she said

"So do I" I answered walking out of the room. The day when we could laugh at this would be the day that we where close again. When all the awkward silences where gone. And we could be completely open with each other. I decided then that I couldn't wait for that day to come

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**Okay so let me clear some things up, they are only able to makeup this quickly because of their history, I.e. the reason Christian is being kind of a but about it. I just started feeling really bad for lissa and I didn't want another dimitri run in just yet. Please tell me what you think. If it is really bad I will make sure the next one is better. (I learn from mistakes) thanks.**


	24. What a Day

**Thanks for the positive feedback I was really worried that this story would be going nowhere. So one to the next chapter read and review. Oh and this is kind of on the long side. Enjoy.**

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**Previous week**

The next week went by agonizingly slow because of my anticipation for being able to finally get a moroi to guard. It was great that liss and I where talking again, but we really didn't have to much to talk about seeing as we had both been kind of blocked off from the rest of academy life. We would often just sit there and talk about how we couldn't wait to go back to class. But once we had that figured out we were silent again. Christian and I on the other hand, were great. We did a lot together if it wasn't for the fact that I was excused you would think that I had been his guardian. I was going to therapy two times a week and was getting a lot accomplished feeling a lot happier even though I knew I was nowhere near being done with this mess. Adrian tried and failed to get me to talk to him and Eddie finally stopped blaming himself for lissa's accident and started lightening up. So yeah all in all good week but a slow one.

**Monday**

"hey Rose." I heard Eddie yell from behind me, he had been on a 'sabbatical' since his charge was in no shape to continue classed just yet. Only I am sure that he was enjoying it a lot more than I had what with my mood being everywhere.

"Hey Castile" I yelled looking over my shoulder to see him running with Christian in toe.

"where's the fire?" I asked looking at guys. Eddie looked as if he had just got finish with a morning jog, his face all a glow and little beads of sweat made there way down his face. Christian on the other hand while he was strong, looked like he was just force to run a marathon in under ten minutes. It took all I had not to crack up at both of them.

"well, we asked if we could, you know take a senior field trip." Eddie said still panting a little.

I immediately got excited but then realized, we aren't a normal high school and our last "senior trip" ended horribly. Loosing one student in the escape.

"who did you ask?" I said trying to keep indifference in my voice, Dimitri is so good at it but I knew I still had some work to do in that department.

"Alberta" christian said sitting on the bench beside me.

"and…?" I asked waiting for them to continue.

"well she said that she would talk to Kirova but told us to petition it before she does, when we asked I told her it would be a safe way for us to learn how to protect our moroi in the real world and all that."

"but eddie just wants to ride the rides." christian said.

"wait where did you ask to go?"

"this indoor amusement park, I went once with my mom when I was younger and it would be fun." eddie spoke up.

"so she wants us to petition it?" I said starting to smile.

"yep"

"and how many signatures do we need"

"well that's the beauty of it we just need the moroi to sign really, their guardians would have to go anyway." Christian said now wearing the same stupid smirk as me.

"you guys are genius," I said pulling them both into a hug. "but speaking of Guardians I need to see Alberta about who I'm guarding for the field experience."

"oh I thought you were going to guard me?" christian asked once I release both of them from my chokehold/hug.

"I am but I still have to ask and get put in I mean what good is guarding you if I'm not getting graded for it?" I joked.

"I'm not that bad." he said lightly punching my shoulder.

"didn't you ever learn that it is rude to hit a lady" I said laughing more.

"uh well when you show me a lady Rose I promise I won't hit her." Christian and eddie both began laughing insanely loud.

I had been laughing to until I saw something all black in the corner of my eye. At first I thought it was the wind blowing the tree until I noticed that both christian and Eddie had stopped laughing. By the time I saw it again it was charging at christian from behind. I couldn't make words form as he lunged. So I did the only thing that I knew how to do, I yanked christian behind me and landed a nice upper cut to the black clad guardian. I saw eddie pull christian aside as I began fighting the strigoi wannabe.

I both threw and received a few kicks and punches before we where both on the ground. I hadn't bothered to see who my attacker was because at the moment he was my attacker. But something about the way he smelled made me realize who I was fighting. Making me fight even harder as if I had something to prove.

When I had finally gotten him pinned I noticed that I didn't have a stake. "eddie?" I yelled trying my best to hold him down. If I hadn't been tired before, this was sure to do the trick because he was strong. The only other problem being that I _was_tired. I had to fight for about fifteen minutes before getting him to the ground and another five before pinning him. "shit" I mumbled when he managed to get and arm free and push me off. I saw his eyes flicker over to where Christian stood unprotected. "shit" I said again. Eddie had left him to find a novice with a stake. Funny how the quad is exceptionally empty today. I stood up not wanting to waste time and tackled him from behind. It didn't take him down but I was on his back normally in these situations the strigoi would be rendered unconscious by a broken neck but I couldn't actually crack his neck so I choked him. It was a distraction that would slow him down if nothing else.

It had worked because by the time he had gotten to Christian, Eddie had reappeared holding a practice stake and without hesitation pointed it to where the strigoi heart would be. " your dead Dimitri" I mumbled. Letting myself slip off his back. My entire body ached after that one. It felt good to fight again but I felt that if I had stayed in practice I wouldn't have been as tired as I am now.

"very good Rose, you managed to 'incapacitate' me" He said with a wide grin on his face. "you have gotten better"

"why did you attack, Christian doesn't have a Guardian, Eddie is on break and I didn't have a stake." I said out of breath.

"your not always going to have what you need in order to kill a strigoi, you made that clear a while ago, in the real world being on break doesn't matter to strigoi they see it as an opportunity as they did with me and Ivan, and as for Christian, well the ozera name isn't a very popular name among moroi or dhampir so the likelihood of Queen Tatiana granting him a Guardian is slim." he said.

"Tasha has a guardian" Christian said.

"Because she asked for one, and I agreed"

"yeah we know" Christian said. I could see the temper flaring, he was trying to put himself in the middle of my fight. Very sweet but also very stupid. "or had you not noticed all the hell that broke loose the week before last."

"let it go Christian" I said grabbing his arm. This brought him out of his trance as he loosened back up.

"never thought I'd see the day when you would be calming someone down Rose." eddie said in attempt to switch gears.

"yeah well I am to doped on adrenaline and extremely excited about the trip, to give a damn about what happened two weeks ago." I said nonchalantly.

"sorry Rose" Christian mumbled. Dimitri was silent but was watching the three of us intently.

"oh we have to hurry up if we're going to catch Al-Guardian Petrov before she leaves her office."

"What do you need with her?" Dimitri asked curiosity getting the best of him.

"that's my business" he said coldly. But if I knew him and I did I knew that he had another comment up his sleeve. And as if he read my mind he looked back at me questioningly. I nodded my head. _If you must Ozera, if you must._

Dimitri looked like he wanted to punch Christian at the moment but knew that he wouldn't hear the end of it from Tasha. I had a feeling christian knew to which was why he was pushing his luck.

"if you must know though, I going to ask for a guardian, and I think rose would be more than agreeable." he said snaking an arm around my waist.

I tried and failed to hold back the laughter that was now erupting from deep inside. Dimitri took a step forward hands clenched but then faltered. I was now full on laughing in his face. I know that it was rude, but that was something I would have said. I have done things to get a rise out of dimitri before with Adrian at the ski lodge. Poor Eddie looked like he was trying his hardest not to laugh at his expression and Christian was just soaking it up.

I looked between Christian and Dimitri while they were apparently having a stare off. I really wanted to see how this would play out but my desire to actually participate was killing me now that I had actually taken down Dimitri I was pretty cocky. _no pun intended._

"now that you've had you fun can we go." I said unwrapping his arm but not letting go of his hand. He and dimitri continued to stare at one another. "you know sometime before the rest of the school Graduates" I said tugging him. Wordlessly he let himself be pulled in the direction of the main guardian office.

" I think that you may have officially pissed him off" I said before we were out of earshot.

"yeah well nephew privileges, he is family now after all" he said the last part through closed teeth.

"give him a chance, he'll grow on you" I said without thinking.

"I thought you hated him."

"I thought I told you that it didn't matter whether I did or not." I said. Regretting it the moment I did. That was the night when I almost had rebound sex with Christian. He blamed himself for not stopping sooner and I blamed myself for leading him on. So we did what anyone in our situation would do, We ignored it and up until now it was working pretty well.

Sensing my frustration at bringing it up he shot me a sidelong glance. "you know we will have to talk about it eventually."

"I know but we will but it will end the same way, with both of us blaming ourselves. so can we just go back to ignoring that particular part of the night?" I said as he held the door open for me.

"whatever you say" he said catching up to me.

"I mean it." I said smirking. " it didn't happen"

"what didn't happen" he said playing with my words.

I just decided to roll my eyes taking that to mean he would drop the subject. We were only a few feet away from Alberta's door when we saw Tasha exit. She stopped short when she saw us and glared at Christian. Wow her glare was _almost _as good as mine only difference was that mine was actually better.

"hey aunt Tasha what's wrong?" christian said smiling.

"we are going to have a nice long chat once Alberta is through with the two of you." she said to the both of us.

"wait what did I do" I said. I knew what it was about but I seriously didn't know why I was getting in trouble over his little staring contest with _Guardian_Belikov.

"we will discuss it later." she said as she walked past us.

"great, I bet that will be a mood killer" I said to myself but christian just looked amused.

We continued walking and noticed that Dimitri was standing in the corner across from Alberta's desk. Damn he was fast.

"I heard that you wanted to ask me to grant Rose permission to Guard you?" she spoke first.

"actually I was going to ask permission to guard him" I spoke up.

"I see, but you know that we are not always assigned who we want as guardians" she said continuing to speak to christian. "am I to understand that you made a sexual innuendo towards miss Hathaway?"

"I…wait what?" he asked looking confused. I shot dimitri a ferocious glare before looking back at Alberta.

"did you or did you not make a suggestive remark about Rose?"

"all I said was that she was agreeable" he said looking a little less confident. Dimitri was going to pay.

"while doing what?"

"nothing that's all I said."

"well Guardian belikov has told me that you had your arms around her waist, in a very public display of affection."

"and since when is that wrong?"

"the context in which you where doing this was wrong, and as for you miss Hathaway I would think that after your last experience you wouldn't want to draw that kind of attention to yourself." she said. Oh yeah dimitri was definitely going to pay.

"there was no one out there, and Christian and I are just friends, and he was joking." I said letting my voice stay level. Because christian who was now glaring at dimitri looked as if he would set fire to the whole damn academy. So me loosing my cool would further escalate things.

"yes, well if Jesse or Ralf had made a comment like that you would have put them through a wall." she said in a matter of fact tone.

"yeah well I'm not dating Jesse or Ralf." I said my voice getting a little louder.

"and your dating Lord Ozera?" she said giving him his formal title.

I couldn't say anything, where we dating? I hadn't actually meant to make it sound like I was dating Christian it just came out that way.

"Christian?" she said turning to him sensing that I either couldn't or wouldn't answer.

"we don't know yet, she told you we where just friends," he said looking away from dimitri and at me.

"I see, but no matter, you will refrain from implying sexual acts with any female on this campus do I make my self clear, it is very unbecoming of a young moroi and it give you a bad name."

_Just take ivashkov for example. _

As if we where thinking the same thing he started to smile while I was trying to hold back laughter myself.

"may I hear the joke?" she asked indifference on her face.

"you…are…telling." I couldn't do it I began to laugh again. This was a obviously a really good night. I struggled to catch my breath. Surprisingly she waited. Once I had settled down some I continued. "okay, whew, sorry, anyway, you're telling Christian to stop with the comments but you just had a full grown man in a very um…compromising position with your student. A man who in fact is neither teacher nor student."

"well I fail to see how that's funny."

"well I guess you have to be standing in our shoes. After the week we had every damn thing wrong with this place is hilarious." I said wiping tears off of my face. "and it's something that my counselor told me to do, she said laugh off anything wrong. It makes it easier to deal with, which is funny because that's what sarcasm is. And it helps."

"that I can understand, I am glad to see you take counseling seriously."

"yep, so now that we have that all figured out, may I be Christian's guardian?" I asked.

"I Don't see why not, but just remember that in the real world."

"I won't always get someone I like, got it." I said.

"okay well here is your training booklet, you info packet and your practice stake." she said getting up from behind the desk to hand me all of these things. "and I have heard that you succeeded in handling Guardian belikov Earlier that will go on record as your first test congrats." she said. Ah this was the Alberta I liked easygoing and accepting.

"thank you" I said smiling all over myself. "may we be excused" I nearly shouted out of excitement.

"yes, go pack a bag and you will be bunking with Christian" she said. My excitement drained.

"I what?"

"will be bunking with christian, how do you expect to guard him from across campus? Is something wrong?"

Uh yeah we didn't tell you this but last time I was in his room we almost committed a sin. "no ma'am" I said instead. Hoping no one else noticed. Who was I kidding of course they noticed but before I could say anything I grabbed Christian's arm and drug him out of her office knowing I would have to face it with someone I just preferred for it not to be Alberta and a very blanked faced Dimitri.

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**Well what did you think? I thought the whole sarcasm thing was funny. (that's what my friend's sister said to her when her and her boyfriend broke up.) Tasha is back in the picture for a bit I think this should be fun.**


	25. Men can make you crazy

**Okay, I know it has been a while since my last update. Like I have said I have reached a huge writers block and writing around it is getting a little hard. But thanks for the reviews and your patience. Enjoy.**

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"All better?" Christian asked while I was packing my bag.

"What do you mean?" I asked not even bothering to look at him, but by the way that he sounded he was probably deep in thought.

"You were happy about being my guardian until she told you that we were bunking together." he said. This time I did turn to look at him.

"I could have sworn that you agreed to shut up about that not even a full hour ago." turning away from him and grabbing more things.

"I didn't say anything about that; I was talking about what happened in Alberta's office. Rose if you don't want to guard me you don't have to. Dimitri was right I probably won't have a guardian after I graduate, I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable." he said.

"I don't feel uncomfortable, and you don't give yourself enough credit, you really think that people still think that way about you?"

"I know they do rose, I am neither blind nor deaf, I hear them talking and I see how they treat me, even teachers isolate me most do it without even thinking."

"That's sad." I said looking at him and tucking a piece of hair behind my ear.

"No that's the price I have to pay for my parent's crime." he answered. "Speaking of, I believe aunt Tasha wanted to talk to us" he added with a huge smirk.

With that I zipped my bag and headed for the door that Christian was now holding open for me.

"Wow I didn't know being a guardian came along with my own personal doorman." I joked once we where in the hallway.

"Ha ha, now where is _uncle_ Belikov room?" he joked with that same grimace in his voice that he held when talking about Dimitri.

"That's funny but what's funnier is the thought that someone will be calling him daddy in what? Seven months?" I asked. Although that wasn't as funny in my head as it was out loud.

"Go figure, I'll have a cousin, I guess I should be happy for _her_." he said. I noted the fact that he said for her and not for them.

"Come on they are probably waiting" I said nudging him to try and improve his current mood which was bringing me down.

We were silent the rest of the short walk to Dimitri's suite. It was a comfortable silence one that spoke a thousand words. When we did manage to get to the door it seemed like neither one of us wanted to break the silence with a knock. One knock would be all it took to ruin our moods today. _Breathe…_

I let Christian be the one to break the silence. Part of me wanted to grab his arm and run but before I could even get my mind to work correctly the door swung open fiercely revealing a very angry looking Tasha. The entire room smelled like the aftershave that I had at one point loved almost as much as the person who wore it.

"In!" she said to the both of us in a whispered yell.

Christian and I shot a quick glance at each other before obeying. I wish I knew what she was like when she was mad. I had only met her when she was being sugary sweet, I couldn't lie and say I wasn't anxious to see what dimitri saw in her as far as self control goes.

"What took so long?" she asked obviously talking to Christian but was now looking at me in a very accusatory way. _Hold on did she think that we….oh very brave, just don't be stupid with what you __**think**__ you know. _

"Sorry but who would have thought rose actually acted like a girl when it came to packing." Christian said with a quick chuckle.

"Don't be a smart ass Christian, sit down, you to Rose." she said motioning us to the couch. Just as I had sat I saw Dimitri come around the corner, guardian mask and all.

"Guardian Belikov" I said pretending to show respect, my personal feelings weren't the reason why we where here this time. But it seemed as if he was past pretending to have any sort of feelings for me because he just looked at me. _Ouch_

"What the hell is wrong with you Christian?" Tasha said. Way to cut to the chase.

"What are you talking about?"

"What do you mean what am I talking about? That little stunt you pulled with Dimka was rude. I swear you have no manners some times."

"I have no manners?" he said with a smug grin on his face.

"No, you don't. I don't know what your problem with Dimka is but you really need to get over it." She added. Wow I see where Christian gets his attitude from but she hid hers well I'll give her that much.

"this isn't about Guardian belikov it's about rose, she is trying her hardest to get over this but I'm not trying as hard, I meant everything I said that day in the clinic." he said his voice getting a little louder.

"Calm down Christian." I said I really didn't want him getting in trouble because of me.

"Well if she doesn't want to deal with it then I suggest that you leave it alone, your just asking for trouble if you keep this up." Tasha said making each word crisp and clear.

"Is that what you wanted to talk to me about?"

"No Christian that isn't all, I wanted to talk to you about your relationship with rose, I think she is a very smart girl and brave, not matter her actions."

I was trying my hardest not to bite her head off at that comment, I was already pissed that she had insinuated Christian and I had, had sex before coming to see her. I was a little more pissed because Dimitri stood there and let her do it.

"Okay?" he said relaxing a little on the couch.

"Well the obvious question is how serious are you?" Tasha asked sitting in an arm chair across from us and Dimitri sat on the arm of it. This was something that I had never seen him do before it actually looked a little sexy. _Leave it alone rose._ I scolded myself immediately but I mean my feelings for him could have changed but the fact that he was hot certainly did not.

"Like I told Alberta we are friends at the moment." Christian said

"That's what you say but both of you are acting as if you to are in a sexual relationship I mean you don't go anywhere without her and vise versa"

"Forgive us for being close. What do you want me to say?"

"Have you had sex?" Dimitri said for her.

"What business is it of yours if we have?" I asked suddenly unable to hold my anger back.

"It is my business because I am his aunt; it is Dimitri's business because he is your teacher." Tasha offered.

"My what? Since when?" I said jumping up from the couch.

"Dimitri didn't tell you? He will resume your training now that you have the okay to participate. Now answer the question."

"This is just great, first you leave then your back and she's pregnant, and now you want to mentor me again? What the hell is your problem? Is it not satisfying enough to see that you already hurt me by coming back?"

"That is not what this is about you were two years behind and I know you weren't fighting while I was gone so you need to train."

"And that's why I kicked you ass today?" I said using every bit of rude sarcasm I could muster.

"That's irrelevant."

"Like hell" I said as Christian pulled me back down to the couch.

"Breathe rose" he said as I looked at him, his eyes told me that it would be okay. _I hope your right_. I thought.

"That is what we're talking about, you respond to Christian in ways you use to respond to me"

"Then we are doomed Christian" I said with a sad smirk.

"So it would seem" he said, then he turned his attention to the two lovebirds on the chair. "If it makes you two feel better no we haven't had sex, can we go now?"

"Not yet, one more question" Tasha said. "Rose how deep was you relationship with Dimitri?"

This caught me off guard. "Huh?" I asked looking at Dimitri who was now looking questioningly at Tasha.

"Well you seem really torn up about it, I just want to know."

"Ask him." I said shooting my eyes his way. "I am definitely not getting in the middle of that. Come on Christian" I said standing up grabbing my bag and heading for the door.

There was something going on in their blissful paradise and I wanted nothing to do with it. Although a huge part of me wanted to jump up in down in both of their faces, _men…they can make you do very stupid things._

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**AN: I don't want to sub a chapter for this announcement so here goes. As I have mentioned my brain is a little fried at the moment, so I will not be updating as often, I am going to finish this story but I want to finish writing the entire thing before I do so, I already know how it will end it's just getting there that is the problem. I am not saying that you won't be getting updates which you most definitely will I am just saying the they won't be as quick as normal so if you really like the story you should put it on alert. Today I did something that I have never done before in my life, and that was brainstorm and create a time line for the rest of this story so I won't make this and my original story collide. Meaning my hiatus won't be as long as normal and hopefully my grammar will improve during the course of my break. Thanks for your support ~ Diona Chistei**


	26. I Heard That

**i felt really bad about leaving you guys with the last chapter. anyway I realized I went 25 chapters without a disclaimer so here goes. **

**I own nothing that you recognize, I say it that way because obviously some of the thoughts and add ins where from me. Hope you enjoy.**

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**I Heard That.**

I watched the sun rise through the heavily tinted windows of Christian's room. Lately this had been one of my favorite things to do, I was so nervous about going to sleep at night because as stated in our handbooks there was no guarantee that the 'strigoi' would leave us alone at this time. It was definitely taking its toll on my mood but I was dedicated to passing this test. I sighed continuing to stare. Even through the tint I could make out the light spreading over the trees and the snow dusted ground. As I watched I silently wished that I could bask in the sun again. Being a dhampir my skin was able to stand the light, but being a guardian I had adapt to the darkness for the safety of my moroi.

"Rose?" Christian said rolling over to see me sitting on the couch I had pushed up against the window.

"Yeah," I said still looking out the window.

"Why aren't you sleeping?" he asked sitting up in his bed. We had been sharing a room for about a week now but he had always sleep through the night I would have known other wise because aside from staring out the window which could get boring I would listen to his ipod or count his heart beats. It was scary to think that at any moment those heart beats could cease to exist. The scariest part about this is that the world, our world wouldn't even acknowledge it.

"I couldn't sleep, why is something wrong?" I asked.

"No I just wanted to know why you were up."

"It isn't really that late Christian."

"It is when you have class in the morning"

"What ever Christian, you still have about oh I don't know about twelve hour until you have to get up. The sun is just coming up" I said. It was about seven o'clock but Christian had gone to sleep a little earlier due to the fact that he had nothing better to do. "And you have only been sleep for about 2 hours"

"Oh for some reason it feels like it should be about 4 or something."

"No such luck" I said laughing at him, I had done that a few times before but it was funny manly because I realized how much more we had in common.

"Oh, do you want to watch a movie or something? I don't think that I will be going back to sleep any time soon." he said standing up and revealing his shirtless body. I looked at him like he was crazy for wearing so little to bed as cold as the dorms got at night but then remembered him telling me that if he was allowed he would walk around in shorts and a wife beater.

"What?" he asked looking a little self-conscious.

"Nothing I was just thinking about the fact that it is supposed to be warm but instead we have snow on the ground." I said. It hadn't actually been what I was thinking but it wasn't _that_ far from the truth.

"So do you want to watch a movie, you don't look like your going to sleep anytime soon."

"I don't think I am what movie did you have in mind?"

"What about four brothers?" he asked.

"We haven't watched that one in a while." I said as he took out his portable DVD player I carefully positioned myself on the bed so that I was only close enough to see the movie but far enough away from the tempting half naked moroi beside me that we were barely touching, and of course I was on the edge of the bed.

We were silent during most of the movie apart from the occasional swear words that mostly came from me and the responding laughs I got from Christian. Eventually though he was swearing to on what I believed was his favorite part. When they were being interrogated Christian said that he would do the exact same thing. It was my turn to laugh at him which I did without hesitation. I laughed so hard that my sides hurt being that I couldn't really picture him being punched in the face repeated let alone telling his interrogators that he was "banging" their wife during the time of the crime.

"Well I would, and you know that I would." he said defending himself.

"of course you would Christian of course you would, but I'm curious would this be before or after you loose your temper and set them on fire" I said between breath.\

"Whatever, but you know for a fact that you are bobby mercer with a vagina."

This had me laughing harder. Bobby mercer with a vagina Wow! "Don't hate because I kick ass"

"Yeah well…" he said his tone getting cautious

"What?"

"Can I sit in on your training with dimitri?" he said.

"I don't see why not only I think that he would have more to say about it then again you are my moroi"

"yeah lately we have been using that excuse for everything" he said, we had been using that for everything me being out of my dorms missing curfew and all we had gotten out of a lot of trouble but collectively managed to get into a lot more.

"Well why ruin a good thing?" I said nudging him.

His only response was a grunt that signaled that he was tired. I took the hint and moved my legs over the edge over the bed. I was almost touching the floor when Christian hooked his arm around my waist. "Stay" he said. His touch startled me but his voiced calmed me.

"I…um…"

"Rose, that was almost a month ago would you let it go, I just want to sleep." it amazed me how he could say this without opening his eyes or breaking his hold on me.

"Scoot over sparky." I said trying to downplay the situation as if we did this was normal. My heart beat told me otherwise. Thankfully he didn't bring this fact up deciding instead to pull me a little closer and hold me tightly. I was turned on and scared all at the same time.

This didn't help me sleep but it did help calm my nerves. He was so warm that when I closed my eyes I could pretend that I was standing outside in the sun. And his breath, his breath was my summer breeze.

I hadn't realized that I had fallen asleep until the alarm went of signaling that it was time for practice with Dimitri. I heard Christian snoring lightly with his arm still secure around my waist. "Come on sparky it's time for practice" I said shaking him a little. He grunted in response. "Unless you changed your mind Mr. banging your wife" I said recalling the conversation from last night.

"Ha ha no, I didn't change my mind. I just didn't think you would actually get up so damn early."

"I always get up 'this damn early' thanks to your _uncle_" I said removing his arm from my waist and heading to the bathroom.

"Don't take all the hot water" I heard him yell after me.

"Don't worry I won't, but get up and get dressed, something comfortable, just in case he makes us run."

"He'll probably sit me out."

"Yeah, but still…" I said closing the bathroom door behind me.

Even though we had been up on time I still managed to get to practice five minutes late. I actually wouldn't have known if Dimitri didn't look so angry with me.

"Why are you always la-"He cut himself off when he saw Christian lull in behind me. I watched as his emotions played across his face and then settled back into a very emotionless mask. "What are you doing here Christian, practices are not a time for you and rose to goof off."

"I am actually not here goof off I want to learn how to fight and besides rose is my-"

"Don't give me that Guardian crap Christian, you to have used that as an excuse for everything."

"And what's wrong with that? Never mind I guess it doesn't matter. Can he stay or not?" I asked knowing that getting smart wouldn't get me what I wanted, not with Dimitri at least.

"No goofing off, I am not going to fight with you but you can watch and I am sure that you will practice with Rose later."

"Fine" Christian and I said in unison. Christian went to the corner of the room and sat quietly as I tied my hair up and prepared to spar.

It was like my first test all over again. I knew his moves as he had mine only this time when we touched or when he pinned me I didn't feel the electricity that I had once felt with him making it easy not to get distracted. I was able to take him down 3 times out of the five rounds we sparred. I was on top of the world now. Just when I was starting to get warmed up though, practice was over. I was disappointed at this because I wanted to take him down a few more times. It could have been me wanting to impress Christian that brought out the warrior in me but either way, my adrenaline was rushing.

"Wow Rose that was awesome" he said looping his arm through mine.

"Thanks come on we have to get ready for class." I said as we walked to the doors. Immediately stopping short. I could hear voices from outside and one of them I automatically made out as Dimitri.

"What's wrong?" Christian asked noticing my hesitation.

"Shhh…" I whispered to him. Stepping closer to the door to hear what they were saying.

"…shuffle some of the watches while your at the trial." the voice I now noted as Alberta's spoke up.

"I figured," he said. There was a funny almost uncomfortable note in his voice. "It's going to put a strain on everyone else-bad timing."

"Yes, well the queen runs on her own schedule." Alberta sounded frustrated, and I tried to figure out what was going on. "Celeste will take you watches, and she and Emil will divide up your training times."

Training times, why would Dimitri not be training with me? What trial were they talking about? Was Dimitri going to participate in the trial test as well?

"They say they don't mind the extra work," continued Alberta, "but I was wondering if you could even things out and take some of their shifts before you leave?"

"Absolutely," he said, words still short and stiff.

"Thanks, I think that'll help." she sighed. "I wish I knew how long this trial was going to be. I do not want to be away that long. You'd think it'd be a done deal with dashkov, but now I hear the queen is getting cold feet about imprisoning a major royal."

I stiffened. Dashkov?

"I'm sure they'll do the right thing," said Dimitri. I realized at that moment why he wasn't saying much. This wasn't something I was supposed to hear, which meant that he had obviously known we hadn't come out of the gym yet. Well Dimitri you cover is blown. I thought. Looking over to see that Christian's face mirroring my earlier thoughts.

"I hope so. And I hope it'll only take a few days like they claim, look I have to get back to the office do you mind coming to see me when you've finished locking up?"

"Sure," he said, "I'll be up in a minute; I have to make sure the storage closet is locked."

"All right. See you soon."

Silence fell, and I had to assume that Alberta was walking away. Sure enough, Dimitri came bursting through the doors. Knocking me backwards. Christian was helping me up when he spoke.

"Rose-"

"Dashkov?" I exclaimed, keeping my voice low incase Alberta had decided to come back. "As in Victor Dashkov?" well how many do we know? I thought.

"He didn't bother denying it. "Yes. Victor dashkov?"

"And you guys were talking about…do you mean…" I was so startled, so dumbstruck, that I could barely get my thoughts together. This was unbelievable. Luckily, for me I didn't need to because Christian spoke for me.

"I thought he was locked up. Are you saying that he hasn't been on trial yet?"

Yes. This was definitely unbelievable. Victor dashkov. The guy who'd stalked lissa and tortured her mind and body in order to control her powers. After victor had learned that she could heal he tried to lock her away and use her as his own personal fountain of youth. He also hadn't hesitated to kill anyone who got in his way- or in the case of Dimitri and me, use more creative ways to stop his opponents. I'd made a lot of enemies in seventeen years, but I was pretty sure there was no one I hated as much as victor dashkov- at least among the living.

"He's been locked up- but no, no trial yet. Legal proceedings sometimes take a long time."

"But there's going to be a trial now? And you're going?" Christian spoke through clenched teeth, trying and failing to stay calm.

"Next week. They need me and some of the other guardians to testify about what happened to you guys that night." his expression changed at the mention of what had occurred four months ago give or take a week or two.

"call me crazy but are we going with you" I said finally finding my voice. I had guessed the answer but I knew already that I didn't like it.

"No."

"No?"

"No."

I put my hands on my hips. "Look doesn't it seem reasonable that if you're going to talk about what happened to us then you should have _us_ there?"

Dimitri, fully in strict instructor mode now, shook his head. "The queen and some of the other guardians thought it would be best if you didn't go. There's enough evidence between the rest of us, and besides criminal or not, he is-or was-one of the most powerful royals in the world. Those who know about this trial want to keep it quiet."

"In other words, you think that we will go running our mouths to everyone about a sick bastard that tried to kill us? Do you really think we are that out of control?" Christian asked.

"Well so far your actions haven't proven differently." he answered stiffly.

"Oh come on, you really think that we'd do that? The only thing we want is to see victor locked up forever. Maybe longer. And if there's a chance he might walk free, you have to let us go." I said growing even more irritated if that were even possible.

After victor had been caught, he'd been taken to prison, and I'd thought that was where the story had ended. I figured they'd locked him up to rot. It had never occurred to me-though it should have-that he'd need a trial first, at this time his crimes seemed so obvious. But although the moroi government was secret and separate from the human one, it operated in a lot of the same ways. Due process and all that.

"It's not my decision to make" Dimitri said.

"But you have influence you could speak up for us especially if…" some of my anger dimmed just a little, replaced by a sudden and startling fear. I almost couldn't say the next words. "Especially if there really is a chance that he might get off. Is there? Is there really a chance the queen could let him go?"

"I don't know. There is no telling what she or some of the other-higher-up royals will do sometimes." he suddenly looked tired. "look I both of you are upset, but we can't talk about it now, I have to meet Alberta and you two have to get ready for class." he said rubbing him brow.

"Fine but this is so not over, I can't believe this," I said to no one in particular.

"Neither can I?" Christian said once we had finally made it outside.

"It's stupid that they can testify for us, I mean part of me understands if they didn't want you to go or if the didn't want lissa to go but hell I was the one that led them there. Ahhhh" I screamed.

"It'll be okay, because we are definitely going to find a way to get to court."

"You damn right we are." I said letting my shit-eating grin spread across my face.

"You have an idea?"

"And you're going to hate it."

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**So…what do you think is her plan? Lol. A lot of the next few chapters are going to have thing from the actual book mixed in with it. After all her words can say it better than me at times. Again please don't hesitate to tell me if I screwed up. Lol, good opinions are welcome too. : P**


	27. WaitHUH?

**AN: It has been a while since my last update and I am so glad that I have as many followers as I do being that this was the first time I have put my work on display. I have to be honest though…during my break I can assure you that my grammar hasn't gotten better. I try but I am so swamped with this promotion and all, that I am doing this strictly for therapeutic reasons. (In addition to reviews. Lol) SO…**

**On with the disclaimers: The Vampire Academy Saga is a copyrighted publication. All rights are reserved by Richelle Mead. **

**And now without further ado…CHAPTER 27!**

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I lay on my couch completely still trying to think of a way to get us into that courtroom. Something in my twisted little mind had already known a way but the stubborn part of me wouldn't even consider it. So far, I had three almost good ideas. None were perfect because they all had flaws.

Idea number one, sneak on the plane. That had actually been Christian's idea but hey he wasn't nearly as sneaky as I was so I knew he didn't think about how two moroi and a dhampir were going to sneak passed a heavily guarded plain and stay unnoticed until we got to the royal court. Not to mention that I am cluster phobic not that anyone besides lissa would know that and I planned to keep it that way.

Then there's the whole reverse psychology crap that my counselor pulls on me all the time. I could make it seem like being at the royal court was the best thing for us, being so heavily protected by the guards and all but the major flaw in that is that they might decide to only take the moroi, which would leave me out completely and would scare the shit out of lissa. Just the thought of victor scares her but her being in the same room with him…so not the best idea.

Last but obviously not least would be just to ask Alberta. That is risky in and of itself because it could get Dimitri in trouble. I know that he and I aren't exactly the best of friends anymore but I do know that it would be low of me to do that to him. Then again, they come first. I could use that as a logical excuse but I guess I'm not as heartless as everyone seems to think I am. Although I won't completely rule this one out just yet.

I refuse to fully contemplate the next idiotic idea that is suffocating my thoughts because I had put him behind me and this clearly won't help matters. What can I say it's a pride thing. I smiled to myself as I turned to face Christian sleeping on the opposite side of the room.

It had been a while and we…well I was still uncomfortable sleeping with him, by choice. There have been times when I would fall asleep with him after watching a movie. I know he plans it though. Setting everything up so I would fall asleep in his arms it's cute but at times unwarranted because another thing he will never know is that I look forward to those 'movie nights' I don't feel so bad about sleeping-actually sleeping- with him. He and I are both trying to do the responsible thing and wait out our relationship before we complicate it with sex. I knew it was the right thing to do but the poor rabbit was so use to getting some every other morning that it's sort of sad watching him go through withdrawal something I tease him about all the time in the most loving ways of course.

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"So what are your plans for today seeing as it's your day off and everything?" Christian asked wrapping his arms around my waist.

"Uh I'm still trying to find a way to get us to that trial without that asshole's help," I said closing Christian's boxer drawer. I had found myself a little more comfortable in boxers rather than women underwear when I wore sweat pants. That and the fact that he said I make it them look good sort of boosted my ego a bit. "So I am going to the gym to think, can I use your Ipod?"

He slowly unwrapped his arms and stood erect looking down at me. "so you ask to use my ipod but don't ask to put my underwear on your ass typical rose." had I not known him I would have thought he was playing but something about the way he stood made the joke sound more like an accusation.

"What's wrong Chris?"

"Rose it's your day off I.e. you don't need to worry about your 'duty' or responsibility as a guardian."

"And this makes you mad why?"

"Because…you are so caught up in doing what's right by everyone else that you don't even take time for yourself when it's given, and as much as you don't want me to say it you act like your mother."

"so your getting mad because I choose to 'work' during my free time," I asked ignoring the comparison of my mother and I , "I am not that stupid, I know something else is bothering you"

"That doesn't matter right now."

"It matters to me"

"Fine but don't get mad at me when I say it"

"You just pushed the one button that is known switch my gears from bitch to mega bitch and I didn't bite your head off now spill."

We stood in silence for what seemed like and hour before he spoke rushing his sentence out so fast I barely recognized it.

"Iwanttohavesex"

"I'm sorry?"

"I want to have sex," he whispered.

"Oh come on Christian, are you seriously starting that again, look I'm not ready yet you promised that you'd wait"

"You said you wouldn't bite my head off"

"I said that I hadn't yet, and besides that was before you told me you wanted to have sex."

"Come on rose, we have been together for a while why not?"

"Oh my goodness, are you really pushing this, you are worse than Adrian at least he knew when no meant no" I snapped.

"yeah and then he screwed Lissa," he said, I could see him wishing he could retract those last few words but it was to late, he had said them and before I could actually register the apology that laced his lips my fist collided with his face sending him falling to the floor. "I'm sorry rose," he said getting back to his feet and wiping the blood from his lip.

"You're an asshole; I thought you knew enough about me by now to know that I don't want to just sleep around, that I wanted to actually feel something for whoever I chose to loose it to." I said planting uncertainty in his head. "I thought you knew how important it is for me to stay away from the blood whore stereotypes that follow me around I mean being with you is enough to get rumors started, and you want to push me back into that again? Just when I was surfacing from the last ones?"

"I didn't mean to say it Rose I was mad, look I know how you feel about having sex, but the reality of it is that I want it, I never said I was going to force you or anything I just told you what was wrong with me," he said sitting on the couch. "I meant it when I said I would wait. However, I never promised you that I would stop wanting it. That's impossible, hell you want it, and don't say you don't because you do you just keep yourself so busy that you don't remember to think about it until it's time to go to sleep"

I stood stunned to silence trying to figure out how this entire thing turned back on me. "I…"

"exactly, so if you want to punch me in the mouth to ignore the truth then punch away but the fact still remains that you want to have sex just like 95 percent of the kids in the damn place want to have sex." he said rising from the couch and pushing past me to the bathroom.

"I'll uh…see you later," I yelled as I grabbed his ipod and walked to the door.

"Uh huh, see you later" I heard him yell back unenthusiastically.

How had I managed to get so much thrown at me I hadn't actually wanted to punch Christian but the thought of him cheating on me was enough to make me mad but using it against me fueled the fire in addition to trying to avoid asking Adrian for help. This was too much to deal with all at once and I knew I needed to practice now more than ever. Otherwise, I might have to take Christian up on his offer to be my not so human punching bag.

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**Okay so what did you think? I know it's a bit much for right now but trust me it's going somewhere. I thought this was the best way to start back up again, her thoughts of Christian contradicting his actions was done on purpose. Let it be known that women don't know what men are thinking and rose is no exception. (unless your writing a story from a mans point of view…then your always right. Lol) but I digress…seeing as I am just about finished with this story I started working on my original, which is going to be posted on in about two months. Just a forewarning though that one will be rated 'M' for many reasons and it is also femslash. As are many of my originals. I hope you enjoyed.**


	28. Your Wrong

**I know I know it's been a while. I haven't forgotten about you I promise. I have new Readers and that makes me happy, So here is another chapter. I know it's short but you know the classic excuse for that...so uh..enjoy.**

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I heard the gym doors creak open just as the current song faded to an end. Only I'm going to guess he didn't know I heard him come in., which was a good thing because I could delay the 'talk' that I knew, was coming. Unfazed I continued to kick the dummy in his sides and make quick jabs to his face. At the moment I was looking at everything wrong in my life as I kicked away at the helpless dummy. Christian, and Lissa who I haven't actually had a full conversation with in about three weeks, my therapist, Adrian, Dimitri, and Tasha, then the whole victor trial. There was just to much going on and the only neutral ground was this gym and this unmoving and unseeing dummy.

"Roza?" I thought I heard Dimitri say but I brushed that off as to what could have been. I loved Dimitri, he was actually the first one that I have ever loved making it a lot less scary to fall in love with Christian. If that's what you call this little rebound relationship we're in. "Rose!" I heard a little louder. "Stop and look at me"

Why couldn't people leave me alone? "Yes?" I asked showing my annoyance.

"It's your day off and you spend it beating away at a piece of rubber."

"Yeah well you know me," I said lamely.

"Yeah I do which is why I know something is wrong"

"So? Isn't something always wrong with me" I asked getting annoyed with just standing there talking to him. I knew that he had wanted to say yes anyway because he stayed quite instead of saying no as that would have been a lie and well, Dimitri doesn't lie… well about important things. "Just what I thought," I said turning back to my exercises.

"Come on Rose, what's bothering you, I won't tell anyone else if you don't want me to."

"I…already have…a shrink…thank you very much." I said in between breaths.

"Rose…"

"Save…it"

"Damn it, how many times do I have to say I'm sorry?" this caught my attention and I stopped punching again.

"You never actually meant it when you did say it. Your feelings were implied but it's not the same."

"So that's what this is about? You're pissed because I didn't apologize for doing exactly what you told me to?" I could tell that he was starting to get angry. I was too.

"You'd like to think that wouldn't you, you'd like to think that's why I was so hateful, admit it you loved being the center of my world you just didn't love me. You were looking for an out and I was stupid enough to give you one. But I wanted you to stay because you wanted to." he ran his hand through his hair which had gotten slightly longer since he'd gotten back.

"Oh"

"Yeah, oh" I said even though on the inside I was scolding myself for telling him and angry that he confirmed my thoughts and furthermore that he was speechless. Any other time I would have loved to be the one to render Dimitri speechless but all I really wanted was for him to say that's not true, or anything hell I wouldn't even mind it if he lied to me. However, he wouldn't, I didn't get where this urge to be completely honest with me had come from but I was not enjoying it. He had lied to me in all the glances and touches before Tasha but he was all of a sudden repulsively truthful at my expense.

"Look, rose…we are, or we were rather close. closer than allowed but I did feel something, no I didn't like the feelings and yes I was trying to find a way to have it all both you and a 'normal' life, that's why I came back, I figured since you told me to go that it would be okay to come back. I mean what we had-"

"We NEVER had anything; you claim that going away was best for both of us, that we couldn't see each other. Yet you always contradict yourself, I understood that there were things your morals wouldn't let you do and frankly, I could have gone with out it. But to stand here and say we had something is a lie," I said wiping away at the angry tears the leaked down my face. "You want to know why I am so mad at you." I asked since this was obviously what he was after.

No answer.

"Well do you? I mean isn't that what you wanted to know? Why I was constantly treating you and Tasha like shit?"

Again, no answer instead he just stood there averting his gaze. I wondered how I looked to him. A short 17 year old staring up at him all red faced and teary eyed? Or an ex that was being to childish to have ever been with him in the first place? Although I couldn't see how I was an ex since there was nothing there to begin with.

"Fine don't answer but I'm going to tell you anyway." I waited a moment before continuing. "Mason died because of me, and my damn attraction to you" he opened his mouth to protest but I cut him off on the first breath. "don't say anything, when you told me about Spokane you did it in an attempt to get me to grow up, I didn't think much of it at the time but now I see you were trying to convince yourself that what ever went on between you and I was okay. You told me not to tell but then she showed up and I got mad and told mason about the strigoi.

"And then he got mad at me because I wouldn't sleep with him" Dimitri's stone-faced turned soft at that. "It wouldn't have been fair to him if I was with him in person but with you in my mind. It wouldn't have been fair to me either. So he left to fight, we all know what happens after that but do you know he came back thinking he could save me and we'd be together when in all reality there was no way at the time that I wanted anyone but you, he was still my best friend though. He came back because he loved me, he didn't die heart broken but he did die in vain, I needed you after that, I seriously went insane and all you could do was leave, you couldn't even wait until I was at least a little stable. You left two weeks after he was killed. And what pisses me off is that you always told me that you would throw yourself in front of me but instead you threw me under the bus. And I blamed Tasha because she was content, she had you Lissa and Christian wrapped around her fingers. And me, I had no one that could relate to what I was going through."

"I thought you were okay, honestly I wouldn't have left you had I known. And as far as no one to relate you had Lissa." He said looking hurt and guilty.

"Whose parents died in a car accident not because they sacrificed themselves in vain. but you should have known, you should have helped me. It's to late now the damage has been done."

"I…"

"Save it, apologies won't change anything that happened; I really did miss talking to you though things would have been a lot different."

"Your right about a lot of things but your also wrong about a lot too. One being that I wasn't trying to make you grow up for me. I was doing it for you, and the second is that I did have feelings for you…I still do and I can still find myself being a little overprotective of you. I can see why you wanted to believe the worst of me, I would have too, but you know this can't happen. It never could whenever we were near each other though, our self control was nothing but a memory. Roza I love you more than you'd want to believe but it's not about us anymore it's about them and right now I am still trying to get over the shock that I am going to be someone's father and I love Tasha too. And you, you have Christian. We can be friends again with time. Later on in life we will look back and laugh at this."

"Zen life Lessons 101" I said giving him a weak smile. Even though my thoughts were stuck on the part where he said he loved me. "And I love you too, so how do we fix this from here?"

"One day at a time, krasivyj" he said pulling me into a hug that was both welcome and unexpected. Instantly everything I had forgotten about his touch came rushing back at full speed. He was definitely right it would take a while, and I would have to let him know that hugging me like this was not the best way to achieve mutual grounds…just yet.

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**I was reading the story from start to finish you know to get inspired and i noticed that rose and Dimitri never actually made up. And what good is a romance story without some unrequited love...i guess. but i hope you enjoyed.**

**D. Christie.  
**


	29. In my own head

**Okay I promised that I wouldn't forget you and I keep to my word, but thanks for hanging in there with me anyway. I decided to start moving the story along now that we have all the basics out of the way. And sadly, yes I am almost done with this story. So without further ado…chapter 29.**

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**In my own head**

Well working out didn't really work like it was suppose to considering that I left the gym more stressed out than I was when I came in. And who else was I going to talk to about the fact that not only did Dimitri tell me that he still loved me but that I had stupidly told him that I still loved him too. All of this was muddled up in my head on top of how I was going to get us to victor's trial and how I was supposed to balance being with Christian and guarding him. Breathe Rose just breathe everything will work itself out, I repeated to myself even though I was not a firm believer in that bullshit. If you wanted, something done you had to go after it and do it yourself.

I was so caught up in my head that I hadn't realized I was about an inch from running into someone. I stopped abruptly only to find that the sudden stop would cause me to fall backwards before I even hit him, how ironic that I would happen to be the clumsiest guardian in the history of the world.

"Sorry, I wasn't watching where I was…" before I was able to finish that sentence, purely out of courtesy because hell I was the one who fell, I noticed the person never moved an inch. I had almost collided with him and he didn't even try to get out of the way. What was scarier was that I recognized him. This person looked eerily familiar but for some reason I wasn't able to put my finger on who he was but I did know that I was not staring at a completely opaque person, you would think that would be the first thing that I noticed but nope, I'm such a slut that I look at his face first. Then it hit me, the reason that he looked familiar was because he was. I was staring into the eyes of mason. Part of me just wished that my mind didn't recognize him, damn me and my intuitiveness. Just as I was about to asked the stupidly uncreative question that most dense people would ask in this situation, you know the whole how are you here your suppose to be dead bit., he was gone.

I should have been flipping out but I didn't see the need in doing so. I mean there were two explanations as to why I was seeing mason, an extremely dead boyfriend. The first being that I am extremely stressed out over everything going on right now and the second being that I was just that damn crazy. Neither of which would surprise me considering that I can get into my best friend's head. (When I wanted to).

After standing there looking like an idiot for what seemed like five minutes I decided that it was reason number one. It was no coincidence that I would start to go all sixth sense after everything I have been through, I'm just surprised that it hadn't happened sooner.

"Rose?" I heard someone call to me.

"Uh…yeah?" I said half listening to my to the footsteps approach.

"Are you okay I mean your aura is completely black and solid." He said standing directly behind me.

"Uh…yeah I'm fine, why does it matter to you anyway?" I said trying and failing to regain my previous snarkiness. Great I can't be completely sarcastic with things like my mental health but can't manage it with someone who bugs the hell out of me.

"Yeah, I believe that about as much as I believe you and fireboy are a happy couple."

"don't bring Christian- I mean I don't need your opinion of anything in my life, so if you want something please just let me know what it is so that I can be on my way."

"You know what I want Rose. But it's a matter of will you give it to me?"

"Oh well that is a really easy question to answer." I said rolling my eyes.

"No it's not, trust me there will be a time and place where you need someone to listen to you and hold you and make you feel special and when fireboy and cradle robber are to occupied to do so I'll be here and I'll be waiting."

"Goody" I said sarcastically as I began to walk again hoping that he would get the point and leave me alone.

"That and I know you need my help."

Nope he certainly can't take a hint. However, if he wanted my attention he had just gotten the most of it because he was right I did need his help but how had he even…

"You…you…you stalked my dreams again didn't you?"

"I have a better question, can you name one time that you know I didn't?" he asked lighting up a clove smelling cancer stick.

This struck me because I had honestly thought that I had been in my head alone while I was dreaming. Squinting my eyes, I tried to think of a dream where I saw him, and quite naturally, I couldn't think of one thing. Nevertheless, it still didn't keep me from being angry over it.

"You sorry asshole you don't have a life of your own so you spy on my dreams even after we break up?"

"oh I have plenty of life, just ask the rest of the royals, I mean I am a real party animal but you call to me so loudly that…well I still have a soft spot for you, even though you 'dumped' me on my ass."

"Wow, between telling me my relationship will fail and blatantly stating that you have been with other girls you are so winning my love Adrian."

"Yeah well it's a gift, but do you want my help or not?"

"What will it cost me?"

"A hug."

"Just a hug?"

"Come on I am not that big of an asshole am I?"

"I already answered that question but, you promise that you only want a hug?"

"yes little dhampir, as much as I would love to call you my rose again, but if I only get as far as calling you my friend again I'd be happy."

I knew he wasn't compelling me but I could feel a strong urge to believe him, as much as I hated showing the softer side of me but I was to tired to argue against it. I really did miss the closeness of our group. I missed meeting in the library and swatting Adrian off like a fly and having lissa so extremely happy. Don't get me wrong I don't miss every thing about my pre Dimitri days but I missed enough to want it all back. Things were complicated but a whole lot simpler than this.

"So…?" he prompted.

"I haven't even told Lissa yet so let me think about it okay, but since you are a round about spirit; ask her and Eddie to meet us in the library." I said automatically hoping for the best.

"Alright. But I really am sorry for all of this"

"Don't tell me that, because I know you enough to know your not, and you shouldn't be because I am not sorry for anything that happened I have too much else to be sorry about than friends and boyfriend."

"Now who is the insane one?" he asked smiling.

For a minute, I was confused then I understood that I had just gone on one of those tirades that he was so famous for. "I could quite possibly be on my way there" I responded thinking of why I had said something like that and of my run in with mason earlier. "Or I could already be there." I said more to myself as I left him standing there in the rising sun.

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**So what did you think? No she and Adrian aren't making up, just yet. She's just tired of fighting with him. Yes, she is still with Christian. And yes, she was in the gym all day. Any other questions just PM me or put it in a review and I will get your answer back to you ASAP. Unless it is like two in the morning in which case, the answer can wait. I have tried to talk and write while half asleep and trust me, no good ever comes out of it, if you can read it. Lol**


	30. Like a dirty windowJust clean it

**So here is chapter 30. before you read though note that being the person she is rose always has a lot on her plate. so if you ever find yourself saying why can't she just be happy? you'll know that without the constant ripple in calm waters the story would be to fluffy...i like reading fluff, writing it...well let's just say i like fixing problems rather than coming up with pet names. it could be because of my dating status but hey enjoy anyway. lol**

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Once again I found myself walking alone having left Adrian the same way hoping that he would get over what ever it was and do me that small favor. I felt thoroughly relieved that I was about to dissolve some of my stress, but being the main attraction in a circus of trouble I knew that I was only making room for more problems. All of which seem to test my sanity a little more than the last.

"Well looks like we have a rule breaker Ralph what do you think?" I heard a voice say, a voice that could only be described as a Zeklos. Well THE Zeklos for all intents and purposes oh and see what I meant by making room for trouble?

"And what exactly do you think your doing?" I said mimicking his tone, beginning to hate the fact that my silence was interrupted yet again.

"Well you know as well as I do that I don't really play by the rules."

"So I hear, what do you want?" I asked letting my aggravation show.

"A friend can't say hi to another friend?"

"What ever Jessie, now unless you want to get caught by alto I would scurry along."

"What about you?"

"Don't worry about me, trust me I know how to handle alto." I said unintentionally making the comment a little more suggestive than I was going for.

"Like you know how to hand the rest of the men on campus? Well in that case maybe I should pull authority around here."

"Not even if you were the last moroi on earth you perverted asshole." I said as I began to walk again.

I knew better than to expect any type of silence as I began to walk again, my life was just that predictable. I could see the dorms in plain site as I began to pick up the pace honestly not wanting to be caught. It was only about six o'clock but since the attack, students were required to be close to the actual facility anything past the moroi dorms was to far. Our regular 8:30 curfew still stood as the time when we had to be in our dorms. I was shaken out of my head when my cell phone went off. It's a wonder I had actually gotten to walk for ten minutes without interruptions.

"Hello" I said

"where are you, Adrian came banging on my door and telling me that you wanted to meet me in the library, then when I got here lissa and Eddie were here." Christian practically yelled over the phone.

"Good, stay there." I said totally unfazed by his anger, when I first started hanging out with lissa again he would do the same thing and cuss under his breath but he always got over it. Right now, I was the one that held the cards in the relationship courtesy of him of course.

"What the hell is up, and why did Adrian know about it before I did?"

"Don't worry about that, there are more problems to deal with than what he knows that you don't I'm on my way but if you leave I promise I won't repeat myself." I said mentally putting my foot down.

"Whatever, this better be life threatening?"

"Are you threatening me Christian? Because we both know who would win that fight." I said with a smile, I loved the fact that he was not scared to speak his mind around me even though it could be the most ridiculous thing he has ever said.

I heard a click on the other end that signaled the end or in this case the beginning of a fight. It wasn't that big of a deal to me. I took the chance to change my course now I was jogging over to the library, which was about ten feet from me at the most.

"About time rose" Eddie said as I entered our little room adjacent to the library. I could tell that it wasn't used as often as before when we were so close you couldn't think of a time when we were apart. The chairs had a thin layer of dust on them, and the windows looked as if they needed to be cleaned but as a symbol, it matched our relationship. It just needed to be dusted and cleaned. "Christian looks like he could rip out Adrian's throat lissa is nervous and Adrian…well Adrian just looks board." he said laughing.

"Yeah, well what did you expect?" I said plastering a smile on my face. Who would have thought that I would be the one playing peacemaker Alberta would laugh her ass off if she caught wind of this. "Hey guys."

Lissa replied with a scared smile, Adrian cocked an eyebrow _damn them for being able to do that,_ and Christian glared at me. It was funny how ridiculously good he was getting at giving out a glare that could stop your heart, he was almost as better than me but now way in hell I was about to tell anyone that.

"Well, I guess that'll have to do." I said.

"Stop beating around the bush rose what the hell is going on." Christian erupted.

"Okay first of all I can beat around the bush all I want to considering that I'm the one with something to say unless you want to have a heart to heart with ivashkov. Secondly," I decided to take a breath before unloading the lesser of the two bits of news. "You have to suck up what ever the hell is going on between you two because we have work to do."

"Who says you call the shots?" Adrian asked with a smirk.

"Whatever you know you love it, but I'm serious, we have too much to work on, you two," I signaled from lissa to Adrian. "Have halted all practice on spirit, which is understandable but not okay, Adrian you owe her an apology."

"No it wasn't just him." lissa spoke up.

"I know that but we have to start somewhere and that is the perfect place to start. Christian you have to get over the fact that lissa cheated on you, because the fact of the matter is you told her that you were in love with me when you two were still together so you had no right to be angry. And poor Eddie was just caught in the crossfire we all owe him an apology."

I said. Only then did I notice the gravity of what I said, he had been in the middle of everything on top of loosing mia, not one of us showed him an ounce of the concern he showed us. I suddenly felt like shit. "I am really really sorry Eddie; I promise you won't fade into the background again."

"Yeah me to" liss said.

"I second that"

"Technically you're third but dido," Christian said flatly. So close rose so close…now all I need is for them to forgive each other. Eddie was just easier to focus on. "And I am sorry for acting like an asshole towards you liss, and Adrian, I still don't like you because you have successfully dated my girlfriend and slept with my ex."

"Well if I remember correctly you never liked me so we're good."

"Adrian!" lissa snapped. Finally some else is taking control.

"I mean, I'm sorry too, and Liss you might not like it but my heart wasn't in it that night at all"

"It's fine mine wasn't either," she said bluntly.

"Well I do believe that Lissa has gained a bit of an edge Rose what do you think?" Eddie asked.

"Yeah, which is good because that wasn't the only reason that I wanted all of you guys together." I said smiling at the familiarity of my friends. "Well Christian and I overheard that dashkov was never convicted."

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**Okay i want to thank everyone that has read and reviewed since i posted this story in january. i also want to thank my new reader: Roza V. Blood. She spent about two or three days reading and reviewing my story...i mean it was like two in the morning and my phone went off alerting me of my new email. So you can thank them for the inspiration to add another chapter this week.**


	31. couples counselling

**Well her is the 31st chapter mom need the computer so i guess it's time to go.**

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"Wait…that means that if he can prove his case that he could get off scotch free." Eddie asked. I had been blocking lissa out for a while now but it still came to no surprise to me when I could feel the fear well up in her. Adrian still leaning against the wall noticed a change in her aura as well and was suddenly paying close attention. _Granted had I not known Adrian I would have thought he was checking her out. Which was still a great possibility._

"No he can't get off _scotch_ free because he can't prove anything other than what actually happened that night. I mean there is enough evidence to sentence him to death, let alone the fact that we are all witnesses to what happened." lissa began to say her voice bordering hysterical. "and he would have killed me, everyone thinks I'm so precious so I know that can't be willing to forgive him of that as well, what he did was the equivalent of draining a person dry…he can't be free…he, has to have been convicted…he…he…Rose." she finished with a sob laying her head in her hands.

"Go ahead and finish Rose I don't think it can get much worse than it already is." Adrian said. I knew he was talking about lissa's hysterics but that's where he was wrong it could definitely get a whole lot worse. He didn't know her like I did even if he could read aura's I could feel her and read her mind. But I had to tell them eventually.

"there could be a chance that he gets free because he's a royal and most can get away with…well ya know, and besides he has that disease they would feel bad about putting him in the cell like that-"

"But what he-"

"I know I'm just stating the facts and all of those are a greater possibility being that we aren't allowed to go." I said waiting for another hysterical outburst.

We all knew what this meant, that he could possibly get out and because he had actually gotten lissa to give in, _I should know I felt it, _and heal him he was strong enough to come look for her himself.

"So what do we do?" she asked quietly breaking the silence.

"Well, I believe that's where I come in, I can get you to the trial." Adrian spoke up. I don't know if he did this on purpose but he always seems a little more pepped up when the conversation begins to revolve around him. _What am I talking about of course he does it on purpose it's Adrian we're talking about._

"_What_ do you mean?" asked Christian shooting me a glance, yep there was still a fight to be had when we got back to our dorm. Which was fine most of the time unless in my case you're dating your roommate, then there is just no escaping confrontation.

"Well I heard from a little birdie that you needed help getting to the trial, and not only can I get you there I can get you there without the use of breaking any rules…well maybe one or two but hey it's the small prices we pay."

"Oh no way, I know you and you like to hold things over our heads. There is no way, Rose did you ask him this." Christian's voice began to rise. So much for waiting until we got to the room.

"Well not in person…" I said instantly regretting the choice of words.

"What do you…you sorry son of a bitch." he said to Adrian. It's funny those had been my words.

"Christian calm down, he can't really do anything to me in my dreams and I didn't even know he was there." I said trying to prevent a fight.

"Like hell, how long has he been in your head?"

"I don't know, like I said before I didn't know he was there. But that isn't the point; the point is that he is actually trying to help"

"Help my ass. Adrian isn't that self sacrificing, he doesn't do anything with out an ulterior motive." he said rising from his chair.

"Are you really about to start a fight so soon after you two just made up." lissa said coming to the rescue.

"What did we make up on, like he said, I never really liked him to begin with so who cares if we fight, I mean it would truly be like old times right."

"Yeah, it would only last time I was actually sleeping with your girlfriend." he said smirking.

"Christian let it…wait did you just say…" I started but I couldn't find the words.

"sleeping?" Christian asked.

"What the hell Adrian." lissa began.

"Are you still sure she's your best friend Rose" he asked me.

There were so many things that I wanted to say that just wouldn't come out. It took five minutes of silence on my part before I could feel myself breath as it began to sink in painfully slow.

"You were sleeping with him before?"

"Rose he's lying, we only had sex that one time, I swear."

"But why would he…"

"Rose he's lying I promise, Adrian tell her your lying, tell her" lissa begged. "Tell her, I just got my friend back I am not going to loose her again over you."

"Fine I was lying, but you might want to evaluate that thing you call a relationship because if you were as happy as you pretend to be then well, your girlfriend wouldn't care as much as she does Christian."

"That was dirty Adrian, of course she would care, you were dating her and it would have meant you were lying to her. Rose are you okay." lissa asked wrapping her arms around me.

"No…I'm not, Adrian will help us get to the trial, if you don't want to come then don't but I am not letting that bastard have a snowflakes chance in hell at freedom. And as for you that was rude, I understand that you still have something for me but I am dating Christian, if I want your counseling on our relationship then I would ask" I said before leaving the library. I was royally pissed which was okay since he was being a royal ass. But he was right, Christian and I had a lot to work out things that since we first started 'dating'-if that's what you would call it-We have been putting off. The main thing being whether we were together out of revenge or because we wanted to be. Neither of us would even ask the question because I have a gut feeling that we both have different answers.


	32. Wish you were wrong

**Well here is chap. 32 I hope you enjoy and thanks for reading.**

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Neither of us said a word to the other while we walked to his room but there was something in the air between us that until Adrian pointed it out was hidden well enough to ignore. "Should you start or should I?" I asked sitting on the couch.

"You actually think that we have things to work out? I mean Adrian is starting trouble cant you see that?…" he said. That might have been the start of a whole blame Adrian for everything speech but when he noticed I wasn't stopping him he got quiet again. "…what?"

"This is exactly what he was talking about, now look I don't like the fact that he is counseling our relationship for us but he's right to an extent." I said simply.

"What do you mean?"

"Sit down Christian, your not making any of this any easier." I said.

"So you just want to break up with me?" he asked flatly.

"That's not what I want. But see we are on completely different pages. We need to figure out what we want out of this."

"You don't think that I want you."

"Trust me I know that you do, but I told you just because I want to have sex with you doesn't mean I'm going to. I want us to be right first."

"I don't get it, how can we be anymore than what we are without having sex?" he said finally sitting down next to me. I had to search his face because his voice wasn't giving anything away.

"We could start at the beginning and be completely honest with each other."

"Well, I thought I was falling in love with you after the whole Spokane thing, I knew I was in love with you when I found you in the gym that day he left you. I didn't say anything because you were still hung up over him. But when you kissed me I knew you felt the same way or at least I thought you did." he hung his head so that I couldn't see his face at all.

"Christian, I am really flattered that's what you think but I wasn't…I'm not just hung up over him, I love him I know that it might hurt you to hear me say that but it's true, I love you to but in a different way. I want to be with you but you have to respect the fact that before I can actually be with you I have to correct mistakes and that's what I am trying to do."

"So you want me to stand by and wait for you to be ready to 'actually' be my girlfriend? Ya know most people would just say I think we should see other people." he said not letting his anger get the best of his voice. If I didn't know him I wouldn't have even known it was there at all.

The room was silent for a minute while I thought about what I had just said, in my mind it made sense I thought he would understand. So why in the hell is he upset I am telling him to give me a chance to fix things with both Adrian and Dimitri so there won't be anything or anybody in the middle of our relationship.

"You don't get it-"

"Oh I get it, you want all of us, there are things in each of us that you want but guess what you can't have them all. It's one of us or none of us."

"You have no right telling me who I can be friends with."

"That's not what I'm doing, I have no problem with you being friends with Adrian or Dimitri but you don't just want to be friends. But I'm going to give you the time that you need to figure it out. But don't expect me to just put my life on pause because you are."

"Are you mad at me?" I asked. Normally I wouldn't care but Christian's extremely accurate accusations had me feeling ashamed of what I was asking him to do.

"Yes, but I know that I shouldn't be. I knew this was coming, we were to perfect when we started dating."

"So this is it?"

"For now I guess." he said looking me in my eyes. Those ice blue ones held all the pain that I felt. "Have I gone to far to still be your friend?" he added with a smirk.

"Never," I said pulling him into a hug. "I just couldn't imagine life without your emo commentary."

"Promise me something though," he said after he stopped laughing. It was good to see another emotion in those eyes even though it didn't fully override his pain.

"What?" I asked warily. There was a long pause before he addressed my question.

"Make sure you figure it out because technically we never actually gave 'us' a chance." Once again, he was right, and that had been my plan from the start of this conversation, no need to restate the obvious though.

"I promise." I said as he released me.

"Now what?"

"Now we go to bed, to much in one day, and somewhere outside our own little issues there are other things that need to be taken care of."

"Good point, how can you be both wild and rational?" he said throwing me my pillows and blankets.

"It's a gift love. Now go to bed, I don't want to be rude and fall asleep on you while you're talking." I said in between laughing fits. Somehow it felt as if we hadn't just been fighting about who I wanted to be with. He was pretending for me even though he said he wouldn't and I knew I owed him.

It wasn't long before it was completely dark in the room although I could tell neither of us was sleeping. We had been through a lot today, I lost a boyfriend and gained a friend but I had to work this out for both his sake and mine.

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**Okay before many of you kill me you have to keep in mind that nothing is that easy. I had to do it…that's why it took me so long to update again. Now I know how Richelle must have felt when she turned Dimitri. You know the whole I don't want to do it but I gotta do it. Many of you might actually want to stop reading but this isn't the end of the story (yet) so if you want to see (semi) happier days stay tuned.**


	33. Unperfect

**Your probably going to hate me for this one…and maybe the next two…considering that I only have two chapters left after this one. It's been real fun but I have bigger things in mind for rose so this one has to end. I was just thinking about ending it cold turkey but I hate it when people do that to me. I hope you enjoy anyway**.

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Perfection exists in everything and everybody contrary to popular belief but nothing can stay perfect forever there are to many variables and not enough constants in the world. We can try to hang on to our perfections for as long as possible but we are variables too. In the risk of sound philosophical for every personal perfection gained, someone else's has been ripped away. I should know since I have had many life experiences to prove as much.

"Are you even listening to me Rose?" Christian asked me getting annoyed all over again. We had been arguing for about an hour now. At first it was over who drank the rest of the orange juice, then it turned into a completely relationship oriented fight.

"No I'm afraid not Christian, because I fail to see why your getting mad about a damn carton of orange juice." I said as I pushed the metal doors to the gym opened and ignoring the current pace of the argument.

"Your kidding right, this isn't about the damn orange juice Rose and you know it."

"Look can we talk about this later, we have to practice. Hey Dimitri" I said hoping he would just drop it.

"Oh yeah choose everyone but me, that never gets old does it?" he said stopping.

I froze as well, turned my back towards Dimitri, and stared Christian in the face. "What did you just say?"

"You heard me, your trying to have your cake and eat it to. You don't want to _be_ with me but you expect me to jump at every command. And a week ago I would have but this isn't working for me anymore."

"So again this is about sex? Can't you think with anything other than your dick?"

"I told you before that you think about it as much as I do..." I waited while he found the rest of his words. "Only it isn't me you want to have sex with is it? You're still so bent over Dimitri that you would give your self to him without hesitation."

He stunned me, I couldn't tell him no because the fact of the matter was that I would have had sex with Dimitri had he asked me.

"That's what I thought. So I'll do you one better how about you just forget me in this whole damn equation of yours."

"Christian-" I was on the verge of tears

"No, save it, that was the choice you wanted to make a week ago, you just wanted things to stay about you. And the funny thing is you go on and on about Royals being worthless and doing what they want but how are you any better?"

"I'm not worthless..." I said trying to hold back the tears that welled in my eyes.

"Yes you are, you let your emotions get in the way of everything, if you were honest with me from the beginning we wouldn't be here. That's the type of shit that cost Mason is life, your to needy and picky. You wanted love we wanted to give you that but you didn't want it from him...or me. Guardian belikov might love you but what can he do about it now. Him sneaking around with you would give you the reputation that people already think you should have."

Just like that, the tears dried up. Part of me swallowed what he said as being true, and confirming my fears aloud. The other more dominate part of me wanted to make him suffer for every word he had said to me in the course of an hour. I think that both Dimitri and Christian could tell but the later didn't care he wanted a fight. He must have, he couldn't have said something like that and expected me not to retaliate physically.

"Rose don't-" was the last thing I heard before I let my anger completely consume me.

I was fully aware of everything going on around me as Christian and I sparred only it wasn't a professional as usual there was a sort of raw energy about it making it seem more animalistic. I threw punch after punch surprisingly only landing a few of them; I had forgotten how good he had gotten in the last few weeks. He had even gotten some muscles. As I tried to land a kick to his chest, he caught me off guard by punching me in my thigh causing my muscles to lock up. I instantly remembered the day I showed him that. The slight pause was all Dimitri needed to hold us off each other.

"Oh so you can dish realities to everyone else but you can't take them...hypocrite," he said looking at me with no emotion. By then I had stopped fighting against Dimitri's hold.

"Just go, you made it very clear that's what you want"

"Of course I would turn out to be the bad guy. What ever" he said backing up to sit on the bleachers.

"Let go of me I'm fine," I said to Dimitri.

"You two need to go to headmistress Kirova's office."

"Whatever." I said I'd spent enough time in that office not to care.

Now that the anger had subsided the pain came back, but I refused to break down any further in front of them. Christian really had no idea why I couldn't be with him just yet. However, it was too late to tell him, he wouldn't care anymore anyway.

We marched in silence as if we were marching to the gallows. In a way I was, who did I have left to keep me here? I already made it publicly clear that I could care less if I was guarding lissa. Although you would be, an idiot not to notice that, it was said at a weak moment. However, things like that they loved holding over my head.

I could feel Dimitri's eyes on me as I calculated all the reasons the finally had to send me away and all the ways I could get them to let me stay. It occurred to me that maybe he was thinking the same thing, and then as if confirming my thoughts, he stopped.

"Do you want to tell me how long you two have been fighting?" he asked,

"Don't Guardian belikov, I messed up you can't keep covering for me." I said trying to keep my voice hard.

"Wow we're a bit self righteous aren't we?" Christian said from behind Dimitri. However, I knew he didn't want to get into trouble either.

"No, I'm serious. There is really nothing left to keep me here and eventually your word will mean nothing to them Dimitri." as hard as it was for me to admit that it was true.

"But then what would you do? You can't be a guardian without being sanctioned."

"Yeah I know" I began to walk again as if I was really looking to get expelled, Christian's words must have had some other effect on me because I was trying to do the right thing and sadly it was all to prove him wrong. "Even though it's still all about you," I thought solemnly.

"Are you sure?"

I didn't even bother answering him as I continued to walk to the headmistress's office in silence.

"Headmistress?" Dimitri said not hiding his anguish at turning me over to her authority. "May I have a word with you?"

I didn't here the answer because he was now in her office with the door shut. Since this is where most disciplinary action takes place, her walls and doors are thicker than the rest and practically sound proof. If you listened hard, enough you could barely here gibberish not matter whether you were moroi or dhampir.

Dimitri had been in there for almost ten minutes and I hadn't heard any yelling yet so I was taking it as a good sign that could possibly lead to me not being expelled but the odds were not on my side.

"Rose, Christian, she wants to speak with you." he said stepping completely out of the office as we entered and shutting the door behind him. So even, she knew that he would try to protect me.

"Well, I take it both of you know why you are here?" she asked looking down on us over her spectacles that hung off her beak like nose. I still wasn't sure why teachers decided classes made them look stern. Hers just made me want to laugh in her face. Of course that wasn't a possibility for me if I wanted to prove I deserved to stay here...which even I wasn't convinced that I did.

"Yes ma'Am." we said in unison.

"Ah...so you understand the gravity of the situation?" she started. "I'm not surprised though, I'm sure you are aware that there is no easy fix for this...in your case that is."

Therefore, she would address me first okay then. "I know"

"Of course. Now, Guardian Belikov told me everything about the fight even the after parts when he tried to save you again." of course he would have, Dimitri is too honorable to try to cheat the system even if it was for me. "What I want is an explanation of why you would feel the need to attack Prince Ozera."

"If guardian belikov gave you the details of the fight then I don't think I have to much more to add. He provoked me and instead of ignoring it I fought him."

"I see, Prince Ozera? What do you have to say?"

"Nothing, she's right but I provoked her on purpose, I was trying to prove a point."

"And so you did." Kirova said taking her glasses off and sitting them on the desk. "Now you can't very well go unpunished for this so I will have to suspend you and you will have four weeks of community service. Is that understood?"

"Yes" he mumbled.

"Good, you may leave." she said.

out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw him glance at me but I immediately wrote it off as my imagination because not more than twenty minutes ago he told me he didn't care. When the door closed, I focused all of my attention on the floor as if it were the most interesting thing in the room.

"As for you, you are aware that your stay here was probationary after kidnapping the princess. Up until now, I have been rather lenient but as of right now you, are here by expelled from St. Vladimir's Academy. You have a month to get your bearings together after which you are to leave the premises for good. I am so disappointed in you Miss Hathaway; I allowed you so many opportunities to be saved because you showed promise. Nevertheless, as I said before a guardian with no discipline is worse than no guardian at all. Now you are excused miss Hathaway."

I was struck hard, everything that I had fought for was crumbling to my feet again. I felt myself choking on tears as I walked out the door as silently as I had come in. I was immediately welcomed not only by Lissa but Adrian Tasha and Dimitri. I was vaguely aware that they all tried to stop me to give me comfort and that Christian wasn't among them but I kept walking replaying the scene repeatedly..."A guardian with no discipline is worse than no Guardian at all."

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**I know i know hate me now but i told you i have something better for her...but i'm curious if she werent expelled whose guardian do you think she should have been.**


	34. Rage

**This scene played out in my head so perfectly I could see it in a movie but I didn't feel like I was telling it right, after 4 hours of revising I finally came up with this…now that being said, I don't want constructive criticism on this chapter only because at this point I will beat myself up over not making it better. Anyway, enjoy.**

I watched her walk passed us as if she were a zombie. I have only really seen her like this a handful of times mostly over a guy. But this, this was different from the way she looked I could guess that she had been expelled. I have never seen Rose without her confidence even when she was on the verge of tears, she would hold her head high and even go as far as to admit when she was wrong. I wasn't exactly sure how I was able to pick up on all of this but I felt the sudden urge to both cry and kill the cause of rose's expulsion.

"Where, is he?" I screamed following the later thought. "I swear on all that I am that I'll kill him, it's his fault."

"Lissa?" Eddie called "are you okay?"

"He has to pay for this, I just got her back Eddie and he took her from me again." I screamed as I started running in the direction of his dorm.

"Stop her" I heard Tasha scream after me.

"I don't know what's going on." Eddie said running after me. "But you need to calm down."

I stopped in my tracks looking him in his eyes without blinking. "You will not try to stop me Eddie you will go back to the others and tell them to let me go"

I could feel the power flowing through me as I compelled him.

"yes." was his compulsion induced answer.

"Good now go." I said taking off again. Not bothering to see if it had actually worked. I ran as fast as my feet would take me. Within a matter of seconds I was at his door banging with everything I had-which to my surprise was a lot.

"What do you want Lissa?" he asked after opening the door.

"Don't give me that" I said taking a swing at him, "you know good and well what I'm doing here...you can't have her so no one else can either?"

"She chose to fight with me Lissa."

"But you knew that she would, you know her and she doesn't swallow insults well."

"Yeah and look where it's gotten her."

"I thought that you said you cared about her?" I said taking another swing at him just barely grazing his right ear.

"I do okay...I just got made aren't I allowed to get made and speak my mind or is she the only one allowed to do that?" he made a grab at me but I used that as an opportunity to punch him in the jaw. "Fuck that hurt."

"Your an idiot, rose likes you and you do this to her, well at least she used to like you."

"Well she had a funny way of showing it."

"yeah well not everyone can get over someone they actually love just like that, despite how you may see it she has mortal feelings just like the rest of us."

I began to swing away at him not being able to quench the thirst I had for violence. Part of me knew that this wasn't me but there was no reasoning with the stronger part of my mind.

"Lissa stop, what are you doing?" I heard him scream but I was too angry to feel remorse. "I...can't...breathe"

"Lissa stop" I heard someone yell from the doorway of his dorm but again I was too consumed in making him hurt to notice. "Eddie, block Christian while I grab her."

My senses were hyper alert as to who was trying to ambush me. I could hear, smell, see, feel, and taste his aura. These senses were etched in my brain as if I had created him. I humored them all letting Dimitri grab me and yank me to the door before I started to compel him as well. Wordlessly he let me go and Eddie looked scared.

"Lissa stop." I heard a rather feminine voice say from not too far behind me. once again I let my senses stretch out to identify the voice, my ears knew who it was but my mind was in defense mode I had to make sure I knew exactly who was approaching me. "Liss, please just stop."

"Rose..."

"Lissa it isn't worth it."

"You're not going to be my guardian anymore...it's his fault."

"It's mine too, Lissa let them go."

"I can't he has to pay and I'll make sure he does."

As if using lighting speed she was beside me trying to get my attention. "Let them go"

"No."

"Lissa this isn't you."

I could take it anymore, with the same type of speed my hand was around her throat. "Don't you see I'm doing this for you?"

"Lissa you're hurting me."

"I am doing this for you."

"Let...it go" she said between struggled breaths.

"How?"

"Give it to me..."

"I can't"

"Just open your mind and let me back in"

I was not sure what she meant by that or how it would help anything but I tried to do as I was told and pictured a white canvas in my mind. It was hard to focus with the rage that was trying to keep everyone out including me but I managed to draw the door and open it. An exercise that I tried after the whole Dashkov fiasco to see if I could block parts of my mind from others or myself.

It wasn't instantaneous but slowly I felt the bloodlust turn to anger then to anguish. I was able to slowly to release Rose's neck but immediately wish that I hadn't. As soon as she was free from my grasp she lunged herself towards Christian.

"Eddie, grab her." I yelled. He stopped choking and sprung after her as they both collided with Christian who was now struggling to breath.

In the blink of an eye I saw Dimitri rushing into the fight.

"Hold her down so I can compel her."

"Well as you can see it isn't as easy as that." Christian said now joining the struggle to hold her still. As soon as his hands touched her she began to move as if she were convulsing and contorting into the most bizarre shapes trying to bite at or kick him. This sight would have been funny had she not really been determined to cause the boys harm.

"Just hold her." I went and kneeled next to her. "Rose look at me, you need to look at me."

"Why so you can save him? Your still in love with him aren't you?"

"I loved him yes and I still love him as a friend but rose you have to let me heal you."

"I'm fine, I couldn't be better you're the one who wants my boyfriend."

So this was what they were fighting about. I watched Christian's hold release a little bit. "Not yet Christian." I said knowing exactly what He was thinking. She was doing all of this for me. She thought that I was still in love with Christian.

"Lissa Can you heal her?" Dimitri grunted at me.

I didn't need words to answer that question, instead I reached across to touch Rose's temple. Doing so slowly to insure that I would still have my hand afterwards. I could feel that magic build up in me as I healed my best friend. Her moods started changing from the bloodlust to anger but it stayed there. "It didn't work."

"Yeah it did." she said pushing the boys off of her as if it were an easy effort.

"You could have had us both off if you without a problem." Eddie said looking as if he would fall into shock.

"She wanted to be stopped." said Adrian from the door way. "You should have seen her aura it hurt me to see it."

"What the hell was that Lissa?" she asked.

"I got angry and then when I gave it to you...yours was worse than mine."\

"I was already angry Lissa, not a good combination if you know what I mean."

"Why did you come back here?" Christian said getting cold again.

"Adrian and Tasha came to get me and I had to come back for my stuff anyway since I'm not your guardian anymore. You're welcome by the way."

"So it's true? You're expelled?" Adrian spoke up.

"I guess so, I have a month to figure out where I'm going to stay then they are 'escorting' me off the premises."

"You're kidding" I asked.

"No but look, I have literally been fighting all day and I'm tired the last thing I want to talk about is getting expelled so I'm going to get my stuff and go." she said putting an end to any further question that any of us had.

"Rose..." Christian started.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean for things to go this far."

"yeah you did, but like I said I don't want to talk about it anymore, Kirova made it perfectly clear that she allowed me to be saved cause I showed promise, she doesn't feel that way anymore so there is nothing to be done about it." she looked heartbroken at the prospect of leaving everything she worked so hard to get. I suddenly thought about Dimitri, she loved him and she gave him up because he didn't want this life for her, now she doesn't have him or her Title. "Your right Lissa, I have absolutely nothing now. Are you done showing me every place I screwed up?" she snapped. Her voice was a cross between anger and anguish.

The others looked at us as if we were holding some supper secret from them. Everyone except Adrian who seemed to know what was going on. "You still have me Rose." I said walking up to her.

"And us, we are still your friends, think of it as freelancing." Adrian said with a smile.

"Your such a dork Adrian" she said with a shaky voice and trying to return the smile. Unfortunately she was only able to break down even further letting tears flow freely along her pale and bruised face.

No one had ever seen her break down like this not even when Mason died. Sure she cried but she mostly put on a brave face, even for Dimitri. Everyone including myself was so shocked by this that we didn't know whether to comfort her or stand clear. Naturally as her best friend I began to brave the trip across the room into what seemed like foreign regions. I was cut off though by the men in her life all three of them swarmed to her aid.

"I'll take care of you I promise" I heard Adrian say. Christian and Dimitri both looked as if they could murder him here and now but their common goal kept them from doing so.

"Uh, I think that we need to give them two some time alone to talk." Tasha said from the doorway. I was assuming she had meant Christian and Rose since they were the two with the real issues.

"Yeah, um…come talk to me later" I said taking Eddie's hand and leading him out of the room. Times like these I would proudly admit that things were always better when it was just Rose and I.


	35. Sanity: the end

**I hope you enjoy**

I was left standing in the room with Christian, which anytime last week would have been fine but a lot has changed in just a few short hours. It felt weird to be anywhere near him but at the same time I could stay here in this awkward silence for as long as I had to avoid the coming confrontation.

"Do you think that we can talk without one of us winding up in a headlock?" he asked breaking the inch thick ice between us.

"I don't know Christian, are you going to call me a bloodwhore or tell me I'm worthless?"

"Look I was wrong, at the time I wanted to prove a point-"

"Consider it proven; I am now a worthless bloodwhore who can't control her temper."

"Stop calling yourself that, you know it's not true," he said closing the distance between us. "I don't know why but even after you did all those things to me I still loved you and I hated that. I wanted you to hurt, but not expelled. I didn't even mean for things to get physical."

"Wow no kidding?"

"Honestly but I guess you pushed me like I pushed you."

"Look it doesn't even matter anymore I am no longer a student in this hellhole or your guardian, so what do you want from me?"

"I want to try again." he said taking my hand and sitting me down with him on the couch.

"You can't be serious...we were just fighting this morning and now you want me to be your girlfriend?"

"Rose, when you were...um when Lissa's rage was in you, all but ripped her head off because you thought she was still in love with me."

"So..."

"So the question is, are you still in love with me?"

I didn't want to give the seemingly obvious answer knowing he knew it was a pointless question.

"That's what I thought, so tell me, did you really break it off with me because you couldn't make up your mind or because you thought lissa still wanted me?"

"Why is that important?"

"I just needed to know before I did this." he said leaning in to kiss me. It was like our first kiss in the quad when he was still with Lissa. It was soft and full of compassion, the only difference being that now it wasn't limited to a secret he was putting his heart into it. When someone kisses you like that, you have two choices the first being to push them off or match their feelings both of which have huge consequences and can change the status of any relationship.

Closing my eyes, I put all of my emotions in it, the hurt the anger the passion and the love. Our hearts were in this kiss and there was no more denying how I felt about him even though it wasn't that big of a secret. His tongue was attacking mine like a junkie looking for his stash. I couldn't lie and say that I didn't miss the feeling of his kisses but at this moment, I was starting to feel another emotion that I gladly mirrored.

Without breaking the kiss, I positioned myself on his lap so that I was now straddling him. The need to feel his body on mine grew with breath. His hands were warm on my hips as they slid under my shirt. We both knew where this was going and for once he wasn't getting there fast enough for me, managing to both balance and kiss him I took the now annoying piece of cloth off and threw it somewhere in his room.

With in a matter of minutes I was back in his bed. "This is deja vu" he said smiling.

"It would seem that way only I have no intention of stopping you this time"

"Oh? Well then you have to answer my question." he said kissing my inner thigh.

"That...being?"

"Do you love me?"

"I already-"

"I mean really love me Rose, so much that you wouldn't let anyone not even Lissa come between us again."

"You want me to choose you over Lissa?" I asked unbelieving.

He paused bit ceasing all contact to my oversensitive body. "Yes"

With that one word I was able to truly feel how he felt, part of me was mad at him for suggesting it but I knew what he meant. She was a big girl and she had Eddie who seemed to have grown a lot more attached to her than any of us thought he would. Of course he wasn't asking me to abandon her but he wanted to have my attention as she did. That was my ultimatum; he was giving me what no one had ever given me, a choice.

"What will it be Love?" he said kissing me and returning the fire to my body. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes; I had my answer the moment that he asked the question.

"You." it was that simple and unrehearsed I wanted him. I had always made sure Lissa was okay because that was my duty but now, Now, it was my choice to help her when and if she needed me. Although I have a good feeling, she won't need me to much with Eddie around.

Slowly and gently, we picked up where we left off the first night I stayed with him. He made me feel complete in a way that I had reserved for that special someone realizing afterwards the he was as special as the come. He was the cause of my Embarrassment, comfort, happiness, and pain. Though it took me a while to acknowledge it he's the one who put me back together piece by piece and the only one allowed to claim full responsibility for holding me to my sanity.

**This was the last chapter…I hoped that you have enjoyed the story. Yes, I was off schedule by a lot and a few chapters were shoddy but I learned a long time ago that that's all that matters. I'm actually thinking about a sequel just with a different theme…tell me what you think (about the sequel I don't want critics for this chapter either…lol). Until next time.**

**D. Christei**

**P.S.: I actually finished a story…omg that is a huge accomplishment for me…took six months but it's done. Lol**


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